Late merry christmas and early happy new year

I was going to try really hard to post more often well guess i screwed that up uh? Well I am here today. So christmas...well other than I HATE I MEAN HATE holidays I guess it was not too bad other than douche bag farther in laws normal shit. god I hate that man!!! So I have been working hard to try and get all my work and office ready for the new year. I hate doing that also so time consuming.
I have to say I am an awful mom and person in general. last month my sons doctor changed his addrell prescription and it did not go well so I called her and told her I needed the old stuff again. I was sitting there one day and though I should try these. Everyone says they are great for controlling your appetite and guess what they are. so I have one more day left on his wrong prescription and am seriously considering snagging one from his other bottle once in awhile OMG really I am thinking about stealing my sons meds so I can loss more weight jesus freakin christ I am a loser.
I have thought a lot about the counseling thing still and I might just try and lie my way to a cheaper appointment. I have to go something I cant go another year like this it is very damaging to everyone not just myself. I mean I am not sure what the legal side effects to doing this might be but I guess I will cross that brigde when I get there. So in a few weeks I will go get the paperwork I need.
Alrighty well I am off to do more work a 3 day week is so hard to make sure you get everything done. I will try and write again soon but I am not going to write promise lol. Happy Holidays all and hope you all ring in the new year like rock stars!!!

Thanks

Thanks for the kind comments and the great welcome back. It is really good to know there are people in the world that miss you when you are gone and care when you come back. It is funny it is what everyone strives and longs for but it seems to only happen in internet land. I wounder why that is. Are we so busy with our day to day real world lives and we take the fact that if we can see someone they that is enough recognition for them for granted? I think I am going to work on that more. I am going to say I to people even if I see them more than once a day.and maybe even make a good comment or two to them.

So yesterday after I got done writing my post I was sitting at my desk doing some thinking. I was wishing that I was just not so sad all the time. I was wondering why I have become this sad. Nothing major has really happened. I mean lots of stuff in the last few months yea, but I was sad before then and maybe if I wasnt so sad I would have not spiraled out of control so much. So I deiced that instead of wishing and thinking that I would actually take action. I thought I would call our local counselors office and see how much counseling is. I thought that I would pay for a few months up front so that I would not back out on going or just stop doing if it got to bad. I have a habit of doing things like that. So I called the office and asked how much is a counseling session if you do not have insurance, because I do not? The lady on the other end said well we do off of income in you have no insurance, but you will need your whole households income. OK here is were I always get screwed. legally me and the man I refer to on here as "hubby" are not married. I can not get any benefits like insurance or stuff like that but I have to claim him on everything I do??? We own property together ect. So again I asked the lady after hearing this news, so what is the max you charge. She said $120.00 I said $120.00 really she said yes an hour. So here is why I am mad. More than likely I will get charged the max or really close to it because I have to claim hubbies income also can get on his insurance and frankly with the price of everything under the sun going up I do not have an extra $480.00 just lying around a month, so it looks like help is out of the question. and dont get me wrong I dont want something for nothing I just think that if on one hand I have to claim everything about him then I should get  insurance and stuff. It is so frustrating I want help I want to get better I want to be happy but again if I try to do something good some evil fores tares me down. I really just want to walk in that office and ask them what the hell is costing so much. I mean you sit in a chair looking at someone for 50-60 mins suggesting different options of life to them right? I mean at least went you go to the dentist and get raped by charges you walk out of there with really good drugs and been on laughing gas the whole time. God why me!!!

WOW what a year

Hi all,
Thanks for the comments of concerns I received sorry I bailed. I bailed on everything tried to run away from it all. I do not know how I got so lost so fast. I have done a great job for many years keeping a mask of normalizes on but I just could not keep it together this year. I want you all to know that I did get on randomly and check on you all Hey lets face it reading others problems helps you not to deal with your own. I will run though why I left and why it took so long to come back but please I am still very sick and DO NOT need to be judged for what I have done I have to deal with it every day I dont need you to make me feel worse.

So when I left you I was convinced that my husband was in love with a 15 year old. I am still not completely over that but the girl ended up move to her dads in a different state so it has help with my crazy everyone hates me way of thinking and I could try and focus on things clearly. September was a roller coasted One night my husband and I got into a fight I told in that I would leave he asked me where I was going to live I told him where I was going I did not need to pay rent we fought some more and he throw me a gun out of our closet. I have to say I knew the gun was empty because I had just checked it a few days before. He told me if that is what I wanted to do here was a gun to get it over with. I raised the gun to my head and pulled the trigger. even though I knew it was empty and I was going to be fine I was not scared at all it was the weirdest claiming feeling. My husband freaked screaming more telling me I had problems (Well duh fucker) it was bad. After that it really sucked at my house and my husband was a t a loss. later that month I took a box of sleeping pills and 3 bottles of wine to try and end everything. I was found by my husband in a puddle of puck the only thing this did was landed me in a hospital lock down for 2 days. My children thing that i just got really sick and I promised my husband that if he never told them why I was there I promised I would never do that again. I also got 4 free visits to a really shitty consoler yeah me. She basically told me that I was fucked up and really to far gone for any help that any place could ever offer. October came and I was really trying to hold it together. My 14 year old daughter knew I was losing or had lost my mind and she did everything in her power to either upset me or get her dad and I to fight. My husband was hunting one night and my daughter started to teenage drama screaming at me shit and I slapped her. Just once I did not punch her or hit her repeatedly but the next day she went to school and called the cops on me. In the state of Wyoming it is legal to open handly hit your child once and not leave marks which is what happened so I was not convicted of anything. later that month I realized I had not had a period in awhile so I took a test yep just my luck on top of everything else I was pregnant. I freaked. I terminated the pregnancy in the beginning of November. My husband was really there for meat first but after about 3 days I got nothing. I am not sorry for what I did I just wish I would have never had to do it. Then a few days after thanksgiving I received the worst call of my life. My grandparents the people who have raised me helped me and consoled me when I needed it were in a car wreck. While my grandma was not injured to bad my grandpa sustained major head trauma which caused blood to fill in his brain. He was on blood thinners for his heart problems so to fix his bleeding the doctor started thickening his blood. His blood ended up clotting and the bleeding stopped but now we have to worry about strokes and blood clots until we can get his blood thin again. He got pneumonia from all of this also and will need to wear oxygen for the rest of his life now. I am so glad they are ok I think I would die if an
My life is so up and down good and bad. I just cant keep this up. I hate myself my life and everyone that is in it. I try to be happy and thankful and positive but for the last 6 months it seems like if anything starts going right for me something happens and I just fall farther down my deep dark pit of hate. I am so tried of feeling this way I know it is not normal but maybe that consoler was right, maybe I have been so fucked up for so long that this is me this is life deal with it.
I am off to try and catch up will you all hope I can be able to stick around need support from people that understand thanks everyone that read this.

Aug. :(

I have to say august is one of the most busiest months for me and it stresses me to the max. Just got hubbies reunion over with that is always the highlight lol. Not really I hate his family they think they are so much better than everyone...are you freakin kiddin me not even close. Then this weekend I have to go school clothes shopping my older kids start on the 20th younger one next month but cant make two trips to the big sity for shopping. Then on the 18th I have my hibbys company picnic my kids love this bouncy houses free cotton candy and snow cones they really go all out for their employees. And I would like to get one more trip to the lake in since I only went once this year. WOW that exhaust me just typing it lol.

So I have decided to give Piggys weight loss challenge a try I hate exercising and the plan not eating is taking forever to loss weight with. So maybe if I have to post my fat status every week I will get off my ass put the beer can down and do something.Starting the challenge at 140.8 I do have to agree with Sunshinechild about fall/winter clothes I am looking forward to wearing mine again to. My teeth are starting to hurt because for the last couple weeks if I eat something I think I have to purge it no matter the amount I think it needs to come up. My teeth are shit as it is and now they are just getting worse. Ok well this was a mindless babbling post up just wanted to say hi. you girls are always so great about letting me know you are around thanks again. Write more later

Second vid

Lets try this one for the vids

Sorry for clogging up your dashboards could not figure out how to do this lol. I am the purple truck number 2 it was fun and cant wait till next year!!

Holy Hell I am sore!!!

So thanks all for your support on my last post nice to know that others feel the way I do about the situation and I was not complete off my rocker lol. And to winter A I have many of my childrens friends numbers in my phone as does my hubbies just so that if we can not get a hold of our children we have back up numbers to start hunting them down. I have had to take this approach before to locating them. Hubby and I are still walking on egg shells a bit with each other and we are like wild animals with sudden movement (attach and defend at will) not the best but we really are working on it and I this that communication class I am in could not have happened at a better time I am trying to apply what I am learning to better my communication issues which are HUGE lol.

So saturday was our derby and if any of you were following me last year I won this year I did not :( but it was still fun hubby came in 2nd so at least we keep it in the fam. I tried to post the vid on here but couldnt if any one is smarter than me at this feel free to tell me how and I will try lol

If just for a moment

Ok I am fucking crazy that is all there is to it. I have been so messed up the last few days I dont even know who I am if you dont have much time or just dont want to read how I complete fuck up reality and made this psycho alternate universe where everyone is against me stop reading now!!!

If you are still with me we need to go back to last week. I believe it was Wednesday. I get home from work and of course my daughter and lets refer to her a C (daughters friend) where being their normal teenage do what I want selves. My hubby told me the neighbors had invited us to go down and drink a few beers with them for a b-day celebration I said great but I told C's mom I would go up and talk to her so let me do that and then we will go. The talk went ok I found out a lot of stuff about C that I thought I could help her work on. learned a lot of stuff I was scared to know but over all it really helped us moms connect a bit more. So went to the b-day party and had a pretty good time until we came home... Got home about 12 I had to work so headed to bed hubby was on his 7 off so he decided he would stay up and hang out this the girls as I laid there in bed wondering what was wrong with me I think something must have snapped in my brain and the craziness began. I started thinking I had been replaced by a younger, skinnier, and prettier model I made up all this thoughts that hurt so bad I cried myself to sleep.
Thursday...So after speaking with me I guess C's mom decided she needed to be sent away. I think it was more than that but I got used as the scape goat in this. C was pissed at me text me all sorts of shit and I trying to be the adult was pointing out how many times she had lied to me alone and if she was doin that to me who else was she lying to??? Then at about 2 in the morning cause I could not sleep cause I again was thinking of unbearable crazy thoughts of my husband and a 15 year old, his phone went off I snuck out of bed to read the text it was from C saying how she was going to miss him and loved him and she would hurry back to be with him and she wanted him to wake her but before he left for work at 5 to tell him good by properly blah blah blah well guess who did not sleep for the rest of the night because she was to busy crying and hating herself to the point of suicidal thoughts YEP ME. And this was really the last day I ate any normal amount of food.
Friday...I made sure to get up at 4 in the morning to prevent my craziness from taking me completely over the edge I checked his phone when he went to the bathroom to see if he had wrote her back. The message was gone so then all day I wondered what he wrote her. I was feeling a bit better cause I thought she would be gone for at least 30 days. I could win him back loss weight and be safe from crazy thought. At 4 my daughter calls me to tell me C and her mom have worked things out and she does not have to go anywhere. I lost it started crying so hard I had to leave my office so no one could see me. That night when I got home my daughter came up to my husband and I and said oh dad I read what you wrote C that was so nice and I know she loves you too. WTF insanity hit over drive at this point. Just to get that bitch out of my house I let my daughter go to this teen dance club with C and some other friend. My daughter told me she was getting a ride home so I did not have to worry about her. So I went to bed around 11-12 on the couch hubby work me up around 3 and I went to bed.
Saturday...I got up before my husband his phone alarm was going off so I got his phone and shut it off. then I seen the text that almost did us in it read as followed
Hubby: Were r u
C: Almost home
Hubby: I am waiting up for you
C: AAWWWWW
holy mother of god really again the tears and suicidal thought rushed into my head I didnt know what the fuck to do. Hubby got up shortly after that looked at me and asked me what was wrong I said nothing (ok this tends to pose a problem in our relationship when I say this and I know it) it dont matter and I would work though my problem. He kept hounding me and I thought are you stupid you are in love with a 15 year old and I am nothing but the house keeper, cook and nanny. I went down stairs ripped my sheets and pillow cases off and throw them away. turned to mattress and sprayed everything I could find with lysoal. The car show was that day. I got the kids and myself ready to head down town. I kinda told him a little of my problem I told him that C's presence was making me crazy and I could not take it any more. he told me to stop being stupid there was nothing wrong and it was all in my head. We took separate cars there and I started drinking at 1 not the best idea. It sucked we barely talked and everyone around us knew something was up. The PBR bull riding started at 7 so I went home we cleaned up and got ready to go to that and shit started to hit the fan there. We composed our self and headed to the PBR. I met up with some friends there talked about what was going on and ask if they would go out with me later because I did not want to be home. Oh and did i mention I was still drinking like there was no tomorrow. By the end of the PBR we were in a full blown fight he said he could not believe I would think he would sleep with a 15 year old and I told him he has given me no reason to think other wise. He walked away and got a ride from my step so. I got home to drop the kids off and shit really hit the fan I told him he could sit here and wait for his precious 15 year old skank to come and have a wonderful night with her our fight moved to the front lawn where we were screaming and the top of our lungs. He took my keys and I told him I would just walk then did not give a shit he went to grab me to stop me from going I fell back (I am sure due to the amount of alcohol I had had) and as I hit my head on the ground I said the worst thing someone could very say I FUCKING HATE YOU I dont hate him I was just so mad by this point it just came out. So started walking to the bar waiting for my friends to come get me C's mom called wanting to know what was going on. Apparently C told her I walked out on my husband and kids earlier that day that she was at my house taking care of my kids and she missed the PBR due to it and would not be home. I told C's mom that I did not walk out on my family that I was just in town with some friends and her daughter did go to the BPR cause I was there and seen her!!! I drank way to much and got home way to late
Sunday...I cried a lot thinking about what I had done and maybe the knock to the head loosened the crazy streak I was heading down. I sleep ok not really but laid in my sons room that night.
Monday...I went to work had to take my son to court that afternoon got home and tried to stay away from my husband. And again cried a lot. That night he came in the room and told me if I hated him that bad that he would build an apartment in his shop and live there I told him no I couldnt and wouldnt live like that. I could not sit here while he went on with his live. I told him deep down i didnt logically think he was sleeping with C but that I felt out of place and not wanted. and how it hurt that it seemed he was always protecting her not me. I headed upstair to sleep on the couch and cry myself to sleep. Then my daughter came in and asked me if her and C could sleep on the trampoline I was upset and exhausted and said I dont care. At about 12:30 my dogs started barking really bad so I got up to see what was the matter. hauler at my daughter to ask her what was going on but she id d not answer from the tramp. I walked over there and found blankets but no girls I was pissed this C had convinced my daughter to sneak out. really could this girl not see what she was doing to my family and now this!!! I went to the couch and laid back down at 1 30 I heard the dogs again thought yet they are home I got them. but no then at 3 I heard the dogs again went outside but still no. So I took their blankets thinking they would have to come in then and i could catch them. I also wrote my husband a note to check the tramp when he got up at 4. He ended up waking me up so I told he what was going on he was pissed!!! I had tried to call my daughter and now he was of course no answer. He told me he did not condone this and it was not going to happen again that C would have to go. now I know this should not have made me as happy as it did but honestly it was in a bad way the awnswers to my prays.
I actually looked forward to goin home last night A weight feels like it has been lifted and hubby and I are working on it. He told our daughter that C was to never spend the night again and would not be over for a very long time if ever. I think I can work on my issues so that if down the line she dose start coming over I can tell my hubby when I start feeling bad about myself. This morning I woke but stepped on the scale and seen 139.8 OMH days of not eating paid off I was so happy i ran upstairs to get my phone to take a pic for you guys must have stuck in to much air cause i stepped on the scale again and it read 140.4 NO I thought oh much be the weight of my phone lol put the phone down stepped on but again it read 140,4. Hopefully by tomorrow I can take the pic. funny thing is I really have not even been hungry. Ok sorry for the extra long psycho babble post. I am thinking maybe I should have wrote some of this down a few days ago and let you all tell me to grow up and stop maybe I would not be trying to fix my relationship now. Ok I have to go back to work now so talk to ya all later.

LouLou this one is for you

Loulou thanks for the comment and love the name that is what I call my 8 year old daughter hehehe.
I wanted this post to catch you eye and explain myself a bit. I dont want to to take me wrong.
Everyone knows it is horrible no one is saying it isnt but there is a good chance in life that if you suffer from some sort of eating issues and were a huge raging slut as a teenager/young adult you were more than likely molested repeatedly as a kid. We all just know this in our community. I will admit I loved hearing how skinny I was as a teen and I loved making older men look at me. FUCK UP YES!! I dont know why. and honestly some small part of me still loves a good look over from a man married or not.I often wonder if she wasnt molested I am telling you I am staring at a rerun of my childhood looking at her. I have calmed down a lot since this post I come here to vent get things off my chest so that I can handle then better later. My concern for her well being has become over whelming and I will be meeting with her mom this week I dont know how that will go I tend to say things to blut or wrong when I try and help for fingers crossed I dont mess this up.

Very Positive weekend

Hello all I hope you all find yourself well and ready to take on another week remember it is a fresh start to a new plan!! Also thanks everyone for the support with my daughters friend. I am going to assume since her mother gave my husband $60.00 the other day that is our child support and do not see her or her dog going any where any time soon GREAT!!!

So on to more positive things. On Saturday I went to see my sis. Even though we only live about 70 miles from each other we hardly see each other other than our skypeing coffee time lol. So she wanted to take me on this killer hike that she does I was down for it. it turned into a much longer hike when a mommy and baby moose were in the path after we had hiked for about an hour and were almost done so we had to back track and find a new route lol. it was pretty nice thou had great quality time. After we got home she got called into work so I had to leave earlier than planned I was kinda bummed. But since I had nothing but a few cups of coffee before I left and the twins wanted to go to McDonalds to eat (we dont have one in my town) I got a big mac man I love those lol so that and a Rolo Mcflurry and that was it for the day not even a beer cause I was pissed my hubby and his friends were going though an 18 pack a day at our expense. Yesterday I figured I needed to get out and start chopping and stacking the wood that is piling up. My hubby trades mechanic work for wood to heat his shop in the winter. So all day I chopped and stacked wood. did have a few had fulls of Cheetos here and there and had a meatloaf sand on wheat bread last night. I figured I would be ok. This morning I stepped on the scale and seen 142.6 I was so happy since for the last few weeks I have seen 145 or greater. Oh and I got an OLD SCHOOL stair climber of $10.00 that thing is kickin my ass lol. Here is a pic I did not know it had a control panel mine did not maybe I can search for one dont laugh when you see the pic remember I only paid $10.00 lol I hope to keep down down in numbers I do have to say it was a great way to start off my day. Oh and the diet pill of the month is the FULL PILL. I guess you take this pill it expanse in your stomach (safe I know lol) and you feel fuller than you really are. I dont really eat cause I am hungry I eat at work cause I am bored so I am hopin this will work and I will not want to head to the venting machine all the time. Ok so pic below and hope you all had a great weekend.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/archer42/5444438782/in/set-72157625920018319/

Is it to much to ask

First before I get into my psycho drama filled post I want to tell you all thanks so much for the great comments. They helped me out this morning when I really needed to feel ok about myself. THANK YOU ALL so much!!!

I am so freakin pissed right now. My daughter has a new friend she is 15 almost a year older than her and I really dont like her. she sleeps around and hangs out with much (in their 20s) old boys not for my daughter. She makes me feel very uncomfortable and insucure really not what I need in my own house. I think my main problem is she reminds me of when I was young. I thought I was only good for a piece of ass thanks to the uncle that started molesting me at 5. I think of her as my karmic punishment for making older women feel bad about themselves when I was a teen and for sleeping with their husbands and boyfriends since I was 5. So to top it off I was having my coffee this morning and scrolling though facebook and I see her skanky fucking ass in my swim suit bottoms are you fucking kidding me. you had the balls the nerve to go in my bathroom at my house wear my bottoms next to your nasty fucking over used crock and post a pic of it on facebook. I am just apauled really. so I wrote her a nice little note left it on the table along with the top and told her to enjoy MY suit!!! It is on I will be skinny I will be hot so my husband looks at me and not her. really with the way my life is going I do not need to feel this way about myself right now. And the worst part as if I do not wake up every morning feeling fat and disgusting it is a million times worse now. and I have done nothing but cried since I seen that pic. God I really hate myself!!

I want to look like her at 42

I know I just posted a while ago but was on skinny vs. curvy one of my fav cleb sites of all and they did a piece on Jennifer Aniston OMFG I want to look like her when I am 42. Shit I would love to look like her now!! I posted pics from the articular below.

Some reverse thinspo to start the week

Sorry I have not posted in awhile I am on here just reading and commenting but really have nothing new or even positive to say so as the saying goes if you dont have nothing nice to say do say anything at all. Man it has been hot were I live up in the 80 I know most of you have just read that and are like WTF really but that is very hot for were I live. We have a huge forest fire about two mountain ranges from my house kinds scarey I check on it like 10 times a day to keep updated. We have a fire ban where we live right now so we did not get to do fireworks on the 4th kinda a bummer. So I finally got to go to the lake yesterday it was amazing I love going to the lake.
So below is a little reverse thinspo for you all. Well I am the other two are some of my skinny hot besties. see what I have to deal with when we go out yep the fat friend that is me in the blue. So if I can very remember to bring my bag of salad from home to work I will try and only eat that. My sister has been doing these shake things and says she has lost like 10 lbs so far I think she has been doing it almost a month. She has not had any solid food the whole time she has been doing this. I am going to go see her saturday so I think I am going to get some for sure I have got to do something and since I think I am to good to exercise starvation seems like I only hope. Well I am off you catch up with all you lovelies!!

Just a post

Haven't posted in awhile I have been here reading blogs comment getting excited about all the weight you all are losing but just haven't posted anything myself. I am totally losing my shit for sure. My 14 year old daughter is finding it funny to play me and her dad against each other keep us mad at each other so we really are not talking but the other night we did and we realized god we are fools. So her plan has now back fired on herself and she is left with no friends being allowed over and very little privileges. We have promised each other if we are going to help her grow up right we need to start making sure what she is saying is what is really going on. I can deal with her I hate you and wish you were not my mom texts but when she starts say that her dad has said she could do things that I dont want her to do and visa verse we need to check it out before we get mad and just let her do things. My son got a job but his truck keeps braking it is so stressful and I am just about ready to blow his truck up lol.
Weight wise I am still stuck but I am pretty sure it is due to the large amounts of beer I drink at night just to try and stay sane which Monday night did not work. I total broke down and one of my hubbys friends had to see that OMG I hope I never see that guy again could men dont get that sometimes all there is to do is cry and cry and cry lol. I was planing on going to the lake sunday but do to money issues we can't maybe next weekend I hope.
Thanks for all the advise on my computer. Kitty I am not computer smart the new hard drive cost me $50.00 then 2 hours of labor at $80.00 per hour so total bill $220.00 a new computer would not have been cheaper. I paid $500.00 for that laptop last year. but it is pretty close lol. I downloaded a 60 free trail to office 2010 but will definitely go check out that other program!! As for my dream job or at least what I am spending an ass load of money on is a juvenile probation officer. My childhood sucked. I was sent away to girls homes and stuff so I want to help children who grow up like me. I was not a bad kid just needed some guidance that I did not get. I think with my history and mounts of past problems i would make a pretty good one I hope.after 21/2 more years of college we will see.

The whole I cant control or fix everything thought is not working for me. I am a control and that is all there is to it. lol
ok I am off to read more blogs just wanted to stop by and say HI.

I'm trrying

I am trying a lot of things. Fristly I am trying not to dwell on the number i seen on the scale today and trying to focus more on how my pants are fitting today. The scale said 145.6 but these pants are loser than they were last week. I am trying to not hope of a miracal with the pills I bought last week. I am feeling better and they are pretty healthy so if nothing else I am at least getting vitamins in me. I am trying not to eat when I am bord at work this is very hard for me. I need a different job lol. I am trying to take it easier when things do not go according to plan and in my life this is always my husband says I am going die of a heart attach before I am 40 at the rate I am goin. I am trying to remember that my son is only 17 and needs to enjoy life while working this summer and not to put so much stress on him to be donald trump by the end of the summer.

Ok switching gears. My computer should be home soon. did you know hard drives just fail?? It was nothing anyone did it just failed. 3 weeks after my warranty was up lol. See day late and dollar short every time hahah. So total bill to get fixed is $210.00 plus is I can not get a hold of the company I bought my office 2010 program from I will have to buy a new program cause I can not find the email with the product key ANYWHERE. This is driving me crazy!!
Hope you ladies have a great day!!

Monday???

Oh lord how I love Mondays NOT. I hate going back to work after the weekend. I hate dealing with idiots I just hate it all. So I started jogging last firday as of this morning I have cut 10 minutes off my run. The good thing is I am able to run more of it but the bad thing is it is not long enough now and will have to find a new routine. Still refraining from weighting well i unofficially weighted Saturday just could not take it. Dow 2 lbs from Tuesdays weigh. I was so proud of myself saturday. I was able to stay busy with washing my truck, yard work and helping the kids "worm" I forgot to eat. at 5:30 it dawned on me that I had not ate all day did a little happy dance in my head...but then I sssooo made up for it yesterday. I a weak and nasty. Started with my coffee then went on my job. Needed to fold clothes so while doing that I decided to grab some dry shredded mini wheats. ate them. then before my hike yesterday with the twins I made tuna fish sandwiches and ate 1 1/2 of them. Then after our hike we had some frozen yogurt and came home finished dinner and ate that. (Pork Roast and rice a roni) Then later after I put the kids to bed I was craving something sweet and since I do not keep cookies or candy around I headed for my next best thing. PB&J only have 1/2 of one of those. then I said enough is enough. was pissed at myself and went to bed so I could not eat anything else. GOD my do I do this:???

Oh and Winter about your comment unfortunately my hubby was home the day someone crashed the computer bad think is I think my 8 year old daughter is more responsible than him. sad I know. lol

Thought I would stop by and say hi no computer at home

OMH We are only a week into summer vacation and I am sssooo ready for my children to go back to school. I am a scheduler, planner, and commander of peace and my children are free spirited, at will people this is not working for me. And like my title says I have no computer wanta know why?? Cause on tuesday I dont know and it wasnt me crashed my hard drive. I got home after work and there were like 15 freakin kids at my house. I will need to tell my children we are not the local hang out joint!! anyways some how some one crashed my computer. The local internet/cell phone company here is fixing it but lord knows when I will get it back and this has messed my schooling all up. I am trying to complete everything at work which is hard when you have a 3 page paper due Monday.
Weight wise I have no idea were I am at. I have refrained from weighing since Tuesday cause for those Raspberry diet pills I am taking. I figured if I wanted I would see better results and not be so upset when nothing was happening. I did a run this morning it was very nice. I need to start waking up early and doin one every day no excesses!! Tomorrow is suppose to be really nice here so I think I will lay out and get some sun. I can log on to blogger with my phone to keep tabs on all you fine ladies but hate typing on my phone so if I dont leave a comment it doesnt mean I am not reading. Talk to ya all Monday hope you have a great weekend!!!

Updates, Welcome New Followers, and Asnwer a few questions

So an update. my weight is stuck at 145 lbs even with the binge and purge the other day I am just stuck. I am not going to sit here and whine cause frankly it is my fault. I am getting very lazy I use the excuses I dont have time or I am to tired to wake up that early. well fat ass if you are not going to do anything about it do not bitch...that is my theory on life!! I did skip out on my last weigh in I just could not do it. I am so week and nasty right now I am going to have to start doing something though cause I am hating myself more and more every time I step on the scale. I again ordered pills. I dont know why I do this. I am such a loser when it comes to diet pills. When I was at my heaviest I had great success with green tea tablets, but now they cause bad kidney and bladder infections when I take them. But these are recommended by Dr. Oz...Raspberry Ketones. Hope they do something for me. They are at the post office now so cant wait till lunch to go get them!!

Camping went well...Ok as well as expected with my 14 year old daughter that hates me. she is not afraid to show it either. I basically just stayed in the camper away from her. I was thinking to myself yesterday Damn I wish I had a book. I am not a reader. Just never have time to fit it in (OMH here I go again lol. But I spent a lot of time alone this weekend and a book would have been great. I went on a few small walks but the wind blow the whole time and it was really cold out most the time. Hoping to get at least two more trips in before school starts again. Speaking of school I passed my stupid Intro to Film class with a 89% I am actually ok with that grade cause the instructor graded pretty had. On to a new 5 weeks of Phi 103 so far I think I will do ok in that class but the first weeks grades are not posted yet so we well see if this instructor grades hard.

Finally hello new followers. and to answer a few questions
Me Desruet...I stopped using Meth in the fall of 2006. We lost our house and thought maybe I should pull my head out of my ass before I lost everything else too. That is when I started gaining again. In Oct 2006 I was about 110 in April 2007 I was almost 170 lbs it was discussing!! I did not have an FB at this time. Not sure why it got deleted, it was my ED one. Not sure if I just got picked on the scan. I am not really sad I have been blogging for almost a year now and love it here. I look forward to reading what you guys have wrote every day.
Katie Elizabeth...Hope the weekend treated you well I have not gone to read your blog yet but headed there shortly. I would think I was pregnant if it was a constant bloat. It comes and goes and since I have been pregnant a few times before unfortunately your belly is there to stay for a while lol. Thanks for the laugh though.

Ok Off to catch up have to start clear back on Friday afternoon so a lot of reading to do. Take care ladies and Thanks so much to all of you for your comments, words of wisdom and letting me know you are there!!

***TRIGGER POST**embrassing the B&P

So for some reason today I felt like I was starving and needing tons of nicotine??? IDK. I tried to fight it. Had an apple, a string cheese and an otter pop but still the urge to just eat like there was no tomorrow was over whelming so I gave in. At lunch I jumped into my truck and hauled ass to Maverik. While there I bought the following items
1 Bahama Mama (this is a very large hot dog
Bun
Mayo/Ketchup
Sauerkraut
Relish
1 Large sugar cookie with pink frosting
1 Large Cranberry and Walnut cookie
1 King size peanut butter twix
1 King size bag of peanut butter M&M
1 Snack size bag of chili cheese Fritos.
1 Bottle of water
Grand total $11.84

I drove to the park up the street and started my eating fest I got the hot dog down and started feeling full, pushed though to the sugar cookie and that was it had to call it good. rushed back to work and headed straight for the bathroom. I am sure we all know what happened next. So clocked back in started working. Then later the crap that I still had left from the store was calling my name so I then had the cranberry walnut cookie and the king size twix. and then again headed to the bathroom. I am glad I did not polish all that food off at once but then again I hate myself for giving in to the binge to begin with. I remember 10 years ago this would not have even crossed my mind. When I was a drug addict I was so cheap when it came to buying anything but drugs I would have never spent that money on a binge. I hate that I use MIA as a back up plan also. I have got to break this cycle of eating and purging eating and purging. I can't even call it a binge really cause I dont eat that much in one sitting.
I suck and cant wait to see what the scale says tomorrow.

I thought it was friday

Damn there is nothing like ruining your friday by realizing it is only wednesday lol...I am really looking forward to this weekend. I am going camping. I love camping. No phones no tv my kids can not fight over the laptop because we dont have it lol. Nothing just relaxation, 4-wheeling and fresh air. I am nice a kid waiting for christmas and to top it off I LOVE my camper. we bought it last year it is so homey feeling and I love the inside. I randomly go sit in it to escape from life lol...I know I am weird. So weight challenge ends this week I am going to skip out on the last weigh in i have lost nothing and dont want to have to look at that shit. I am starting to worry actually. For the last few days I have felt very full even when I really do not eat anything. and if I do eat my stomach bloats up so much I have to unbutton my pants and I look VERY pregnant. I think I might look into glutton free food I have been looking on the internet and this seems like something I should try first. Today is going so slow and all I want to do is smoke and eat lol. I can't do either and I think it is making it worse. I think I need to look into some kind of vitamin also cause I just feel so blah and tired. Ok I better get back to work. Talk to ya all later.

**Waring HUGE RANT might not want to read**

Just to start I will be whining bitching and moaning so if you do not want to read feel free to leave I will never know lol...

Ok I have never been one to make a big deal out of my b-day. I do not start a month early dropping hints to everyone I know. My co-works have no idea. I dont even have it showing on FB. I just dont care. I dont want gifts if I want things I just buy them myself. I know I will get a present from my grandma. My sister always buys me something very nice that I know she really couldnt afford, (makes me feel even worse) and a call. and my mom usually calls that day or within the week depending on if she forgets. This is fine with me. it is how it has been for years and it works. My hubby is not good with dates and bdays I know this. and again I am fine with it. I tend to secretly make plans with myself just to have my own special day. This year it was going to be Italian chicken and rice pilofe for dinner. My BKEs were to arrive from ebay and a lllooonnnnggg hot bath to end the day.

I need to start on thursday night cause this is were it all started. Like I posted my steps sons baby was born and I only got to see him for a few minutes on thursday night before I was going to get in trouble with the babysitter for being to late, so I planed on running home cooking dinner really quick and grabbing the grandpa so we could run back up there. Well since my hubby thinks his friends are the most important thing he has we never made it to see the babe. He went to the bar and was very insistent I do not go. This got my paranoia running wild and I ended up at the bar about an hour after he left. Nothing really bad but just some small what I would call flirting (he disagreed) with a really ugly chick he works with. I leave the bar at 12 cause I had to work friday and guess what time he got home 4am a freaking clock??? FYI our bars close at 2 am. I was not all that freaking happy he has been doing this a lot lately and I am trying really hard not to read into it.
So at around 10ish friday morning he called me at work to wish me a happy bday I was very short with him due to what time he got home. hung up the phone and started feeling bad about the call. I mean after all he did remember to call right?? So I text me that i was sorry and thanked him for the bday wish. Later that day I got a text from him telling me he was going to take me to dinner and we were going to go see the baby. I was very excited usually I make the plans and he just goes along. I decided to order the kids pizza no scene in cooking for them and then going out. I got home a little before 6 walked around the shop and yard looking for him ( both his trucks were there) but he was not home. No biggy I thought to myself I will just start getting ready it takes me longer than him any ways. As I walked in the house I grabbed a beer and my brother was calling so I started talking to him. He was at my moms so she told me happy b-day on time for the first time in years lol. So talked to them for like 45 minutes, when I got off I wanted to try on my new pants. Now mind you these pants were a present to myself they were suppose to fit! when I searched for them I typed in my size not the size I want to be, not my skinny day size MY SIZE. so I head to my daughters room lazy and dont want to go down stair I attempted to put them on. it took forever to get them to my hips and there was no way on gods green earth they were going any farther. I started to feel like shit OMG what the hell I bought 29's my 28's are tight but they fit. So I prey them off of me and look at the tag 25's??? WTF I thought for sure they had just sent the wrong size i got on ebay to look the post over. NO the dumb bitch decided she knew more than the BKE company used a tape measure to size the jeans. In her defense she did post this stupid statement at the end of her sale page. So getting a little pissed due to no hubby and it is after 7:30 and nothing to wear now I grab another beer (I might have actually been on 3 or 4 at this time not sure). Phone rings again it is my sis I needed to vent a bit so I answered it. talking cry yelling and drinking I finally hear a car pull by yep it is my hubby and hey it is only 8:30 at night now. Oh and I had a lot to drink by this point. he walks onto the back porch and ask if I am ready. I told him that I was not going. I was a little mad a lot drunk and not going. he told me he was working and that I was being a bitch that he had to run up the road and be back later I told him fine. So since everything else was going wrong in my day I decided to salvage it with the lllooonnnggg hot bath i planed for myself. FYI when you are already drunk DO NOT sit in a bath full of water that is at least 100 degrees and drink 2 more beers. lol So after my bath I decided to get a few things off my chest.

Here is a little foreshadowing... My hubby has remembered my bday 3 times in 16 years. The first time...First year we were dating. My friends and I planed a big party/fire out in a field close to our house hubby got mad at me for something not sure just now we were fighting. He went around to all our friends and any one he thought I had invited and told them the party had been moved. needless to say no one came to the house everyone believed him, Second time...We live in a small town not a lot of restaurants and things dont stay open to late. He again was going to take me to dinner but something (cant really remember what) happened and we got all dressed up and ended up eating at the drive end in the car. and this time was the third and if you are still with me well you know how this one ended.

So after my bath I headed up stairs and I just laid into him. I told him he was free and clear of ever having anything to do with my bday ever again. I did not even what to hear those words out of his mouth. I also told him that if he was out working with someone fine but I figured I deserved a text or call letting me know that (he claims he told me the day before). I got a few other things off my chest, we yelled, talked I cried a lot which I hardly ever do must have been all the beer lol. We went to bed. I am a bit better now still really hurt that I let myself get excited for my bday and then let myself get hurt because of it. I dont hate him just hurt. As far as the pants go I gave them to my daughter and I had Italian chicken Saturday night.

If you read all the way though this thanks and sorry it was so long. I will post later.

Nothing to say just felt like writting

I really have nothing to writ about I am just procrastinating at work lol. It is the end of the month and in accounting language that is bad lol. I have tons to do but really dont want to do it. Also I need to finish reading my chapter and write my discussion this is the last week of this stupid class thank god. Oh and more wonderful news. I missed the deans list this time you need a 3.50 or better and I have a 3.49 god it just pisses me off that I could be so lazy that I missed it by that much!gggrrrr Personal news my step-son's baby was born on the 29th I was really hopin it would wait till tomorrow but oh well. He is so cute I feel bad that we just found out but my son and the girl are not on the best of terms right now. Hopefully she is out of the hospital by saturday and I can go see him. I dont really do hospitals so dont want to go there. Also I am toying with the thought of not going to my weigh in tomorrow. If I miss it I'm out and there is only two weeks left I just keep thinking to myself if I skip out on a weigh in this week next week I will loss 20 lbs and since I quit I could not win. Ok FYI I know it is impossible to loss 20 lbs in a week I am just writing down the crazy thoughts in my head lol. Ok well probably should be back to work or school one of them.

No Title

So I had a shitty 3 day weekend. It rained sssoooo much oh and snowed yea it was nice. My children were driving me crazy sunday. I exercised down stairs nothing outside though. The baby shower I went to was good. Love hanging with my friends but I just wish they new what their laying did to my self esteem and self worth. I am sure that gaining a lot during your pregnancy is hard but it is also hard on my when your stomach is hanging over your pants oh and your pants are not even done up and you are walking around bragin that you are in a size 7 WTF I am a size 7 and ppplllleeeeaaassseee tell me I look better than you. Ok I am sorry I know she just had a baby less than a month ago and I know that she is like 4-5 inches shorter than me but she has to be a good 20 lbs heavier and in a size 7. Then to top it off my rreeaallyyy skinny we are talking like 5 ft 3 in and 90 lbs friend informs me today she feels fat OMG are people trying to send me over the deep end?? and then tells me her legs hurt so bad from working why the hell is she working out. Fuck I am destined to be the fat friend in our little group forever. I have just been so pissed that I cant be skinny for like 2 days now and to top it off my fat ass has eat 900 cals in trail mix today jesus jack ass no wonder you are fat. I need to figure out WTF my problem is. I am going to the store tonight and buying apples enough so that if I eat at work I only have 2 apples a day and if I eat more that the aloted two then I have nothing else I can eat. I can do this I only have a few days before my b-day (sorry guys I am sure you are sick of this) and i would lllooovvvveeee to see 139 on the scale friday morning!!

Another Wasted Week

I am lost I feel like I am just watching the world though a large window. I am not happy really I am not sad to the point of crying I am just here. I know I need help but without insurance I cant get it. I try and talk to the few friends I have but really they try and help but I dont feel any better after I am done. Hubby and I never talk about things like this well so we have fought enough and I just try to put on a happy face and go about my business, I think I am failing at it though. Weight wise I suck ass as usual!! I am not even going to get into it cause basically it is my fault if I am going to eat and not exerciser then this is what I deserve! I was doing some reading about how quickly calories in food affect your weight and how quickly exercise does too. I really know no more than when I started reading but do to how dead it is here at work it killed time. I did find one articular that pissed me off. http://www.sharecare.com/question/how-do-calories-affect-weight Please See Academy of Nutritions post. Obviously this person have never starved for days exercised their self to the point of near death and work up the next time and weighted more...Yes bitch weight loss is a magic trick and my assistant sucks lol. I have to go to a baby shower/BBQ tomorrow I think I will bypass the food and just drink my dinner. This is what I have been doing a lot lately. I guess if I cant afford a therapist I will self medicate lol. I really have nothing else to say so I am going to go find something at work to make it look like I am busy before I get into trouble. Hope you all have a great weekend!!

Help with new Blogger

I am not even going to talk about my weekend yea that bad ggggrrr So I found a few new blogs I wanted to follow but can't figure out how lol. the follow button is gone from the top of my page can anyone tell me how to follow them now. god why cant people just leave lay outs alone??? or give people the option not to change??? Hope you all had a great weekend.

The weekend ggrrr

It is the weekend. All this means to me is a different kind of work. I need to clean my house do the laundry yard work ect. Why do people look forward to the weekend??? It also means access to the kitchen. I do pretty good most the time but then there are other times I just cant keep my ass out of it. I should be working on a really stupid paper about films for a really stupid class called eng 225: Intro tho Film I have no idea why I have to spend $1200.00 on this class when in no way will it help me get further to my criminal justice degree??? Other than it is a stupid general class that everyone must take...WOW could I have used the word stupid anymore there lol. So there is only one light in my kids bathroom cause the other one burnt out so no pics today I have to go to town later so I will get a few and post tomorrow. My measurements for the last two weeks of year 34 in my life are as followed. I lost my measurement book so I cant tell if I have lost any I was going to look back though my post but I think I have lost like 1/2 in most places. Thigh Left 21 Right 21 Calves Left 14 Right 14 Waist 29 Hips 37 I need to do something about my ass it is huge and flabby. I am thinking by next month we can start goin to the lake and this year I was goin to try and not wear shorts over my bottoms but I think I might end up with them on anyways lol. Ok I think I am goin to try and work on my paper before my kids get up will be on and off here all day looking for more blogs to read have a great saturday all!!!

I think I am crazy lol

Have any of you ever went back though your blog and read your own post??? I did this morning...OMH I am psycho lol. If a sane person was to read these they would be like lock that bitch up and keep her away from us lol. So been doin Jillian Michaels 30 day shred for 5 days now and guess what yep I gained weight are you fucking kidding me I am so sick of this shit!!! ok I am sure my half a PB&J sandwich did not help but I can't help it I love them!!! I woke up late this morning so only had time to exercise did not get my measurements taken but hubby works tomorrow also so I will do it tomorrow. I have 4 weeks left of this stupid weigh in so hopefully I can pull a miracle out of my ass. I think if I fail this one also I will delete this blog and never use the words ED or eating issues again because obviously I do not have any. Sometimes I wish I was overweight again or young because it was much easier to loss then. Not much else goin on hopin someone post something soon so i can read it lol. I will write tomorrow.

What a day

I am so unsure anymore it all started friday night...We went out with some friends and I was talking to this guy that I have known forever anyways we were talking about kids marriage just life in general this b-day thing is really kicking my ass this year. anyways his wife is always going somewhere without him or their boys. She takes "girl" trips to vegas, oregan ect. and I made the comment that I envy her for getting to do that. shit I barely go to the movies with my girl friends cause for some reason it just doesnt feel right to me. and he said why dont you take time for yourself then he asked me who are you. I looked at him for a moment and said I dont know. since I was 17 years old I have been a wife to someone and a mother. thats who I am. He said you need to find yourself because someday your children will be grown and your husband is not a guarantee either. So all weekend I just keep thinking to myself...Who am I. sad thing is I dont know and I dont know how to find myself. It kinda reminded me of the movie run away bride with the egg scene except I dont even know where to start looking. It seems odd to me also that in just a few weeks I will be 35 and really I am a nobody. When do people find themselves how did I miss this what I am now thinking is a very important part of life and how is this goin g to effect me in the future? Is this one reason why I am never happy longer than a few hours? I really should just stop thinking about what he said and put it behind me but I cant. Sorry for my psycho babble it is just really bothering, and maybe I am also bothered because my husband now has never let me feel ok with having a me moment. He does things. He goes hunting, drinking with his buddies I mean really anything he wants to do he does it. why do i feel not ok when I even think about it? I am so lost.

Plan or so I hope

I am such a freak I spend way to much time making this "plans" thinking this will help me and they never do but due to my OCD I always think I need a plan I need to have things drawn out and writen down. So here is my new plan lol From now till at least July Tuesday is an official Fruit and Veggie fast day. Nothing but fruit and veggie. Then on Wednesday it is a coffee and water fast day. I am hoping this will decrees my cal intake enough to see the progress I want to by June. Also starting to morrow is the Jullian Michaels 30 day shed. As far as my weight loss challenge is going well lets just say it is not really going that great up some how I lost another pound I was actually lighter at 12:30 today dressed than I was at 5:30 this morning naked??? I dont know what the hell is goin on but I will take it. Also I want to say Hi and thanks to the few new followers I have gotten. It is nice to hear from you. And to Winter the pants are nothing special actually you will all look at the pic and be like really lady lol. What makes them so special to me is I bought them last year thinking they would fix me. They are destroyer jeans so I cant tug and pull them on you I could rip them where they shouldnt be ripped. I just want to wear them that is all. I hope you all have a great weekend. Stay strong and take care.

Just a Wedmesday???

Nothing new is going on with me. I am still here fat depressed and moody lol. The last word is my husbands definition of me hahaha. He is right though I am a moody bitch I dont mean to be and I even get upset with myself over it. So I am trying to eat small low cal things my new found snack is Blueberry frosted shredded wheat with no milk. I put two cups in a bag and slowly snack on it all day at work I figure that has got to better an chips or crackers. I think on the 17/18 I will take my measurements and some pics just to see what I looked like the last two weeks of 34. I dont know how I am feeling about turning 35 it is just a crazy number to me. I am right in the middle of being old lol...I dont feel old and not that I am any judge but I dont think I look old I just dont know if I want to be 35. I am sorta sick today on the way to work I started to feel like I was going to thow up. I took some diet pills I had found in the cupboard. It is weird how a not forced thow up feels. It has been a while since I had anything like the stomach flu and just found it odd to be over a toilet without a plan...sorry I am sure that makes no sense at all. purging is the worst thing in to world but to be throwing up and not have to induce it is crazy and I was kind of scared cause I was not controlling it. I hate the stomach flu. Oh bouncing around sorry. When I take my pics I will also take a pic of the pants I HOPE to be wearing on June 1 ppppllllleeeeaaaasssseeeee lord just let me squeeze my fat ass into them!! ok well I am off to go stalk tumbler thinspo accounts, maybe someday I will make my own but for now I will just look at all yours lol

New me by 35!!!....or dead lol

Ok just kiddin about the died part but I will be a raging bitch forever and my loved ones will probably plot my death many times lol. So I have a month to be the person I want to be before father time sticks one more notch in the b-day tree. Starting today I will not be mad at the world I will confront who or what is bothering me and take care of it like a normal person. I will no long hold resentment towards hubby I mean shit he cant change the past any more than I can and if I said I forgive you I should mean it or move out and on (which I dont want) and the big one...drum roll please....I will be 130 lbs by my b-day. I want to wear the pants I bought last year that I can not get over the top of my thighs let a lone my ass. My day would be even better if I could get into the pants I purposely bought to small but baby steps right??? So I have 29 days to loss like 13-15 lbs can I do it...Yes I can sorry Bob the Builder flash back lol. No more shoving shit in my face stepping on the scale later and wondering my I gained DDDUUUHHHH fat ass stop eating shit!!! so I am pumped excited and all that jazz. I am not fasting or anything cause usually that leads to a major binge later but my food and all that will be carefully planed out. Today I brought 2 cups of blueberry shredded wheat dry (380 cals) a string cheese (100 cals) I am feeling a bit hungry have not eat the cheese and only had about 5 blueberry things it is almost lunch and I just seen a new salad at Taco time. it is only 226 cals. I think I will go order that at lunch. I will post more and let everyone now how it is goin. Stay strong ladies and talk later.

I hate change

Well it happened to me also...Blogger decided to change my layout too. My do companies do this why cant they just leave shit alone. I mean if they took a survey I think they would realize people HATE change!!! My moods really have not changed I can feel myself slipping further and further from the world. I go though phases like this one minute I am the social butterfly of the town and the next minute I just want to be left alone and not have anything to do with anyone. I am trying to not let myself go there but it is an exhausting emotional battle. Thank you guys for your comments. As for talking to someone no I have no one that would understand and I dont want to tell the people I know about this they will think I am crazy. I have no insurance so a consoler or someone like that is out of the question. I just have been taking long hot baths and crying to myself. I really dont know if that is working or not. Weight wise I have no idea what is going on. I swear my body just hates me and I think I will have to learn to live with that. My new love is tumble. I do not have an account up you can spend hours looking at other peoples post and pics. I have been doing this for 3 days now instead of working I hope I dont get caught lol. I wish my wraps for my thighs would get here it is the only thing keeping me going right now. I am warping my thighs in hopes to tone and firm them. The wraps are called itworks. you can google them at https://38732.myitworks.com I will let you know if they work when I get mine. I really have nothing else so off to read more of your blogs!!

same old shit

I do not know what to do. I can not shake this depressed mood I have been in for awhile. I have no interest in doing anything. I am easily aggravated and that is not working well for my hubby and I. I hate everything and anything and I am to the point I just want to start walking I dont care where I end up I just want to walk myself away from here. I feel very tired lately and almost sick like all the time. I hate feeling like this especially when I cant pin point what the hell is even wrong. I have nothing else to say cause it is just exhausting writing this.
I have a quick question...I think someone blocked me from viewing their blog. It still shows on my page but when I click on it it tells me I do not have permission to view. How do I unfollow her I did not do anything that I know of so dont know what is going on.

If life was any better I would wish I was died.

I am a bottomless pit of emotions right now. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I hate everything and anything. If I could just stay in bed or a hot bath I would. I hate that I am to poor to deal with my depression. I cant afford meds and I cant just sleep it away either. so then I get mean and moody. hateful and full of resentment. RSVP a spot at a pity party for one.

I hate hate hate the hospital. They are garnishing my wages which means 25% of what I make will be going to them for 3 months. Now dont get me wrong I know I have to pay my bill but fuck I didnt pay them for 2 months so that I could pay other bills that I had neglected then I send them my payment for april and 2 days later I get garnishment papers are you fucking kidding me. gggrrr To top it off I will get a huge lecture from my better than thou boss how married into money and does not have to worry about it. I mean shit she bought a lexus and had it paid off in two years. god i am sick of life. i am stick of everything. I work hard and work honestly and this is how i am repaid. frankly i think if a fucking hospital visit was not $500.00 a trip people would not have such a hard time paying them. and it is not like a run to the docs all the time. I even go as far as super gluing my childrens cuts closed first before i take them in. I mean really I have to resort to super glue??? god I am just in such a shitty mood now and do not even want to hear it from my fucking boss.

Morning

I all so after reading Mirandas post I got to thinking about my carb intake and even though I keep my cals low I never put much thought into the carbs, sugar, soduim ect. so logged back into myfitnesspal account and am going to do some tracking for a few days. Good God the creamer in my coffee just kills me. I will need to find something better or lower! About the pic of the shoes. It wouldnt load right. I have been tracking them and they should be here by the 20th. That gives me till the 23rd to get into this pants I have never gotten to wear. Not the ones I was talking about, but another pair I bought last year with the intentions of wearing but apparently a 7 in wet seal brand is not the same as hollister. I will take a pic of the new boots when I can fit into at least one of my "when I am skinny" jeans! So weighing in tomorrow hope I see a good number and can stay there or of course get lower!!

Respond to comments...
Kitty...thanks so much for writing all the time puts a smile on my face. I can not even begin to describe how completely fucked up my family is. I do not know how me, my sis, and one of my bros made it out so normal lol Well we all have our issues but at least we are not all sitting in prison like my other bro. My cousins are all living lies also and then my hubbies family makes my look good hahaha. My kids dont stand a chance lol
Miranda...I just love ya I can relate so much to things you write and you inspire me to work harder I think well hell if she can do it in her 30's then so can I lol
Sunshinechild...LOVE LOVE LOVE the site you posted spent have the morning in there reading and plotting my new attach on my thunder thighs lol
Girl with secret...I know that measurement wise I am holding my own with my friends it just kills me when they say how much they weigh and here I am two ton tina 10 or more lbs higher.

New shoes

I have been stalking these boot for months praying to the shoe gods that they will just get one more pair in for me and today I got some!!! I plan on wearing shorty shorts with them and I bought a really cute pair of destroyer jeans (to small of course) to wear with them so now that they are on their way I need to get my ass in gear and loss these thunder thighs I have!!! I need to buck it up and exercise I dont care if the only time i can find to do it is 10 at night it has got to be done now!! I will post a pic of them below I am sssoooo excited to get them!

Why

Just cause I am the tallest friend in our group why does that mean I also have to be the fattest??? good I make myself sick when I am with my friends!!

Sorry just had to get that random thought out of my head!

It is monday gggrrr

I hate how every monday work comes and interrupts my great weekend god why couldnt I have been born rich instead of so damn good looking lol

This weekend was ok spent saturday cookin dutchoven chicken I have taken that over the last couple years it gets me out of eating and my grandma does not hound me so bad about it. hubby and I are still on...the only word I can think of is weird terms. My sister said she has heard of what we are goin though a lot. The women tries and tries for so many years finally the man is on that level the the women just doesnt care any more and gives up. that sounds about like us but I know I am not really to completely give up just feels like I have tried for so long I just go with it now.

Yesterday was good. I set up my childrens new trampoline, raked the front and back yard and sat in the sun it was great.

Weight wise I lost everything I gained last week. maybe it was all the sunflower seeds I ate last week.

I will write more later.

What eating issues???

Sorry I have not wrote in awhile I am and emotional and mental wreck right now.

Lets see where to start on lets just get this bull shit weigh in challenge out of the way. I think I should just drop out I mean I am weak I have no will power and frankly just destined to be fat for the rest of my days. Weighed in two weeks ago at 145.6 and guess what my fat ass weighed today yep 145.6. I have no one to blame but myself. My sister took 3 of my children this week so all I did was sit at my house and eat chips and drink beer if I was not at work. all i keep thinking is ED my ass.

So this weekend we are having a fam get together cook out thing. My mom will be there. My mom had me at 15 so we really have more of a sister sister relationship rather than a mother daughter one oh and did i mention she is a raging alcoholic. So the more she drinks the more she tries to convince everyone she was a great mother and our childhood was perfect. It just pisses me off because HELLO we were all there sober I think I would remember how it went. I go have to say I am very relieved to hear that my cousin that I HATE will not be coming tomorrow. I hate to be that way but let me give you some insight on her. She has been bulimic for years even went to treatment when we were teenagers. I was baffled by this because she was fat and here I was eating like one yogurt a week weighing maybe 100 lbs and no one cared to help me. anyways after she came back I guess everyone figured she was cured. So when we have this family things she will load tons for food on her plate while I am doing everything I can to not get noticed that I just am not eating and then she runs to the bathroom and spends like 15 minutes in there while my aunt and grandma are still hounding me about what I did not eat. i just want to tell them look people get off my ass if you want to save someone go save the bitch that is throwing up in the bathroom. (sorry if I just offended anyone that was not my intention)
To make matters worse I also have in laws this weekend. I can not stand my father in law he is so immature he acts like he is 5 and thinks he needs to be the center of attention so he acts like a fucking jack ass to get it. hello dip shit no one thinks your funny!! I am going to sit in embarrassment when he is around my family because my grandpa hates people like that.
The hubby and I can not even be in the same room with each other without plotting each others death right now. I really have no idea why either it is awful and I hate it but have no idea how to stop it. my depression has been sky high is last week also so maybe that is why I want to kill him and bury im in the back yard lol (that is marriage humor promise you will not see me on snapped hahaha)
Oh and let me tell you what my OBESE not even joking boss said to me today...He asked we where I was going for lunch (his wife is gone and she usually gets his lunch for him)I told him to the coffee shop like always. He said so you are just going to have coffee and bs with your friends I said yea. Then he said well that must be why you always come back from lunch and eat all afternoon...WTF are you kiddin me. IF IF i eat it is like a small bag of chips from the vending machine or this week I bought a bag of sunflower seeds and have snacked on them. It is not like a bust out a 8 course meal at three o clock and eat it at my desk. Fuck his fat ass!!!
I really should start writing more often so you guys do not have to read an 8 page rant sorry. If you have stuck with this there is 2 hours of your life you will never get back lol and thanks for sticking with it. so I am off to finish writing my 3 page paper about assisted suicide right or wrong for school. only a page to good YEAH ME!!!
take care and I will probably write again sunday and let you all know if I survived this hellish weekend!!!

It's just an update

lol figured I should write an update.
Hubbies mom is doing fine as far as I know. she was released the sunday before our trip. Our trip was great!!! Got there monday afternoon. walked around a bit went to Dicks and ate...that was different hahha. then went and got dressed and hit Fremont Street. Hubby drank way to much so headed back to hotel around 12. Got up tuesday and hit the strip. We were in awe lol. We walked from the Excalibur to Treasure Island and back a taxi driver told us that is 6 miles one way OMH no wonder my feet were killing me. Got back to hotel changed our clothes and went to the Stratosphere for awhile then back to Fremont Street. I think Fremont Street was our fav place. I got home Wednesday night and up for work thursday. I weighed in Thursday afternoon 145.6. I gained 2 lbs from my trip can you say loser!!! Last weekend the weather was great did a lot of yard work and went for a walk/run yesterday. By this afternoon the weather has turned shitty again so I will be going to the gym tonight instead of a walk/run. I am really bummed. My friend that did the challenge with me last time did not weigh in last week. I was really hoping to beat her this time. She is still losing baby weight so she losses it easier than me but I was going to do it this time lol.
Not much else I will post wednesday after my weigh in.

What an effed up week

Kitty our comment made me laugh so hard. I think I would just jump off a cliff if I was part of a weight loss challenge and actually gained 7 lbs. hahha

OMH I have had one of the most trying weeks in a long time...
Lets start with Monday. As you all know I did rather shitty in the challenge only 7 lbs in 2 months I mean really I must be majorly suffering from an ED to only loss 7 lbs anyways starting another challenge next week. so went home was doing the mom and wife thing when there was a knock at the door. It was our friendly sheriff dept. Apparently my 17 year old son and a few of his friends were going around stealing shit out of trailers. really expensive snow machine gear and stuff. and to top it off he is now smoking pot and was stoned when they came OMFG really. he just got caught 5 months ago stealing from Maverik (a local convenience store) and is still finishing his punishment for that so I see jail in his near future.

Tuesday I could not take this cold/flu any more and left work 4 hours early to go home and die on my couch. so short check next week yeah me :(

Wednesday was ok not great but not bad.

Then last night I get a call from hubbys dad (hubby not home yet) he tells me that hubby sister just called him and their mom has had a major heart attach and has been life flighted to a bigger hospital. I am such a horrible person all i can do is bitch and worry about how this might effect my vegas trip. really what fucking loser is worried about that when their hubbys mom might be dieing. Oh yea ME I am going to hell I know. So hubby gets home makes a few calls and I guess his sister blew it out of proportion I guess his moms blood pressure was sky high and they could not bring it down so they shipped her off before she had a heart attach. so now the plan (hoping she does not die before monday) is we will leave sunday cause our airport is in the same town his mom is at. We will spent time with her. go to airport monday afternoon for flight and head to vegas as planed. I am trying to pack and clean and make sure my two kids that are staying home have everything they might possible need ect. and I am trying to work today.

I am hoping to get one last tan in tomorrow also.
I just keep telling myself mondayy will be here soon and I do not have to be a responsible adult for 2 days lol

Weight challenge over

What a crappy week I have last week. I got sick a wednesday and was full blown sick by thursday so Wednesday was the last real exercise day I had. This cold effect your sinuses so I cant breath and when I try to start exercising I break out into a horrible coughing fit that almost makes me pee my pants. I still have it and I am doin everything I can to get rid of it cause I am goin to vegas Monday and will be so pissed is I still feel like this. And today I really tried not to drink a lot of water but I am so thirsty and my throat was getting so dry. Last weigh in was 143.1 I lost ruffly 7lbs or 4.6% in 2 months are you freakin kidin me I am a loser!!! Good side to this is Steph told me today that they was starting another one next week I will be in Vegas for the first 3 days but she said I could come weigh in when i get back. This time I will show myself I can do it!!! no way am I losing less than 10 lbs even if I have to kill myself to get it done!

So hi to my few new followers and thanks Ange Sunshinechild and Miranda for your inspiring comments means a lot really. Sunshine child I will email you about your friend thanks for thinkin of me.

So as of right now I just need to keep doing sit-ups and leg lifts till monday so I look a bit better. Will take pics and post of my trip talk to ya all later!

Weight gain theory lol

Ok this post is all about my theory on why Miranda, I and a few others I have read about have gained weight with no scientific reason behind it. Crazy yes, wrong and sense able, probably not but I did a lot of research on this and I have to make sense of it some how cause that is just the crazy OCD person I am lol.

So it all started this morning when I was on FB. I was scrolling though my post and my friend had posted a pic of her kitchen broom standing by itself in the middle of the floor. I thought WTF so grabbed my broom and had to try this guess what my broom also stood my itself. (posted pic below) So then I got to googling and looking around and apparently during the month of March, spring equinox, and the way the moon is positioned it affects the gravitational pull on earth. Now with that in mind I looked up the definition of weight: but weight is a measure of the gravitational force exerted on that material in a gravitational field; So I am thinking if weight is measured by gravity and right now gravity can make a broom stand by itself it has to be doing something to our weight right???

Ok so I am done with my ramble it is the only way I can make sense of everything and am praying that by April every thing will be back to normal, or close to it.

Oh and try the broom thing it is crazy.

Good Lord

Thanks for all your lovely comments about the dress. You ladies are so great...Ok on with my rant so if you dont want to listen to me whine about the same old shit you can stop reading now lol


I suck ass, my life sucks ass, and my will power yep you guessed it. sucks ass. lol So lets start from sunday where we left off. After blogging and FBing I went and did a cardio dance exercise for an hour. Then cleaned a bit and the weather was getting very nice so put on my snow clothes and outside I wnet. I shoveled my porch for 70 minutes. by every site I googled it was somewhere between 420-460 cals burnt. I was very excited thought with that cleaning and exercising 139 should be no prob by monday morn. After I shoveled I came in the house to take a break I was feeling really hungry and so off to the kitchen I went. found some chili thought that would keep me from binging if I ate light small things and it was only 260 cals. then for dinner I ate one of my soup on hands and 2 glasses of wine. Still feeling pretty positive about weigh ins the next day. so up early monday so I could get 1 hour of zumba in and as I headed up stairs steped on the scale and that stupid bitch said 142.6 OMG I cried while doing zumba WTF really 2 lbs in less than 24 hours. I mean by all scientific accounts I would have needed to eat 6000 cals to do that I am am telling you there is no way in hell I could eat that many cals and not be sick to my stomach.

So long story short I am fat I will not win the challenge next week in fact I gained during weigh in I am just so fucking pleased with myself I could vomit. no really I have started. if anything goes in my mouth I make sure it comes back out!! my teeth are bothering me now but maybe it will keep my stupid ass from eating to begin with. at least that is the plan.

140.6 I can do this!!

So shopping yesterday was good. Found a cheap dishwasher ($309.00) and cheap microwave ($200.00) Could have gone cheaper but wanted stainless steel. My frig is already stainless so since I need the other two things went with that. Of course Like I said before hubby is not Mr. Fix it so they are not hooked up or working yet lol.

Went to Ross for a few more outfits for vegas found my dress just need to figure out what shoes to wear now. Post two pics of my dress below. I like it

I have a million things I want to get done today, laundry cleaning, and would like to shovel some snow off the back porch I hate shoveling but I think of all the cals it burns just posted a pic of that below also lol The striped thing in the corner is a swinging bench we sit on in the summer. I think it needs shoveled. Oh and I also have to write a stupid english paper by tomorrow night. I hate english thank god there is only 1 week left of that awful class.

I bought some jello and 80 cal soup on hand from campbells yesterday also this is my food along with a bunch of veggies I bought for the rest of the week the challenge ends the 12th and I have to win I mean really if I do have an ED it should be very easy for me to win a weight loss challenge right?? I have been obsessing about that for weeks now.
Ok pics below.

It's Friday

Yes it is friday not that friday is any more special to me that say a tuesday cause it just means that I now have 2 days of different work. House work kid work, and the fight to not visit the kitchen 20 times a day. Our weather has been crazy in the last week I am sure we have gotten over a foot of snow it never ends here till like mid may gggrrr. Tomorrow I am off to the big city to buy me a new dishwasher. I am actually really excited I have not had one in like 21/2 years. My hubby is no Bob Villa tried to fix it once and ruined the floor in the process.

To answer a few questions. I work as the accounts receivable manager at a small business in the town I live in. I have to pace myself at work or I will get all my work done before the end of the day and then have nothing to look busy with lol..Also I have to wait for things like mail and ups so if I have nothing to do and they have not come yet it makes for a long day.

Dying to be pretty...I stalked your blog. I love meeting older people with eating issues I mean I feel for the young girls really i mean I was there 10-15 years ago so I know what they are feeling but when you are now a wife and a mom and live on your own your eating issues take on a whole new level of crap. I am now following all your blogs and look forward to reading your input about mine. I do worry about someone here finding my blog but (and as mean is this is) I doubt mean in this town have an ED and if they do it is COE. also not being a perfect LDS person (which I am not) in this town makes you bad a sinner even so I think that if certain people come across my blog they would never say anything because they would have to explain why they were blogging about an ED to start with. Not sure if that makes sense.

Not much more to write thanks for all your comments and thanks to everyone that follows me. I will try and post something this weekend!

I think I am a stalker

LOL I sit here all day waiting for someone to write something so I can read it lol. I look forward to coming on there in the morning. God I think I need a life or I need to actually work when I am at work. I hate days that read slow I think Monday is my fav day here cause I am rarely able to get on on the weekend.

So not much else going on. I am trying hard not to eat alot I have got to win or at least place in the weight loss challenge so I can have that extra money for vegas.

Wilted-Rose...Thanks so much for the great comments I got our costumes off of an Alica in Wonderland costume site lol.

And as also Miranda I love reading your comments thanks for always letting me know you are there!!

Hey

Ok sorry for my disappearance a lot has happened. The weekend of the 18th hubby and I got into a huge fight I was sleeping in different parts of the house and moved all my shit out of our room. Long story short I am a psycho jealous, insecure bitch. So we are starting to talk again and have decided to do the vegas trip by ourselves so that we can spend time together something we rarely do. I am looking forward to it. I booked the tickets today I was a little pissed cause the price has gone up about 40 dollars since we booked so late.
Weight wise I am at a loss. Last week due to all the stress of fighting and being depressed I bearly ate and guess what the scale did yep went up. I did not even weigh in on my challenge Monday cause I just could not face it. Then yesterday came the binge from hell
Half a small bag of fritos (chili cheese)
an apple
a cup of chicken noodle soup from subway
6 inch turkey on wheat from subway
2 cookies
and for dinner 2 fish sticks and fries.
I dont think I left anything out :(
So thinking I was going to punish myself and show myself the horrible damage number wise I was sure I had done yesterday I stepped on and WTF I lose a pound OMG no freakin way.

I am dead set on winning the weigh in now that my vegas trip went up in price I must stay focused an keep moving so I can burn off every nasty unneeded cal.
off to read all you lovely ladies blogs

New Swim Suite

So my new swim suite for Vegas came last night I have posted pics of me in it below. sorry the one pic is very bad. I REALLY need to do some sit ups and work on my thighs alot more I have a month before I leave so maybe if I work really hard I can look better and post better pics before I go. Scale this morning said 141.6 god I will never be below 140 I swear. Not sure if I am liking kick boxing class I think I spend more time trying to figure out what the hell the lady is doing and less time burning cals it is very frustrating and I end up getting really mad at myself!!!

Been a while

Thanks for all the comments I really can not tell you guys what it means to log on here and read them. it really helps a lot!!! Hubbys and my fight blow over we never fix anything or solve any problems we just stop fighting healthy I know lol...I did activate my phone thought about blogging on it but scared my hubby will find it and freak right the hell out!!!

So whats new??? Oh yea me and my best friend are not such good friends any more thanks to her abusive lying asshole of a boyfriend. He told her a bunch of shit like me and my hubby called her a slut and a liar and we told her to bring him out to our house sober(that is impossible) and we would get to the bottom of things. Well no one showed up and she texted me that she did not know what to believe. WTF are you kiddin me I how has been her friend for years, never lied to her and would do anything for her is having to defend myself BULL SHIT!!! so really we are just in an awkward faze now. and i dont even know if she is going to vegas with us and it was her idea.

Oh sort of good news my 130's was briefly lived lol...Sunday morning I woke up and weighed in (oh and yes still weighing in every morning) and the scale said 139.6 OMG I had to do it 3 times lol...then for some fucked up reason I ate 3 yea 3 discussing sandwiches for dinner that night??? and the sad thing was I really was not hunger and the 3rd sandwich made my stomach hurt so bad throwing it up did not even help. so Monday morn I was back to 141 and skipped my weigh in. I am trying very hard to loss lots of weight this week I did miss weigh in this morning cause of the damn dog.

Not much else going on I am off to read of your lovely words and caught up more.

Everything is up and down???

So hubby and I had a huge fight last night not even sure what started it or why it turned so ugly but I slept on the couch and will probably remain there for awhile and to make matters worse his mom and step dad will be here tomorrow. my house is trashed and I really just cant stand them. My hubby made some shit comment that he is sick of working so hard to give me the materialist life I think i need??? WTF are you serious I will admit I like things but fuck all mighty I get most my shit off ebay, clearance racks or garage sales. so now I think when my new clothes that I ordered from Venus.com (all sale items) and my smart phone (free with my upgrade) get here I will just send them back. I mean really if shit continues like this there is no fucking way I am going to spend 4 days in Vegas with that douche anyways so who needs clothes. and as far as my phone goes I have had this one for over 4 years why get a new one and pay the $20.00 per month data plan???

The only thing that is exciting is my weight I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 140.0 almost to the 130's I will be so happy that even an out of control fight will not get me down. I went to a kick boxing class last night it was pretty cool. I am stiff and just a bit sore but nothing to bad, I would probably be sorer but I kept getting loss and would have to stop and figure out what they were doing again lol.

Ok I am done bitching about my pathetic life is you read this thanks!

Thanks...You ladies are awesome

First off thanks for all the encouraging comments on my last post. Miranda was right do to the fact that no one can see you or judge you to your face it is kinda easier to let go and just let it out. Sad thing is you all know why I lost my first home I can not even bring myself to tell my husband the real reason. He is not an idiot and I am sure he knows but I have never full admitted it to him.

So yesterdays weigh in when ok I am down to 143.6 fully dressed in the afternoon. We are half way do with the challenge I just need to work a bit harder these last 4 month.

Off to read more of your blogs just wanted to tell you all thanks again!!

Your answer LULU

Ok weight gain with pregnancy and eating...
I hate to say it but none of my children were planed I guess god does know whats best cause I doubt I would have ever plan it.
When I had my first son I got pregnant at 17. I was about 115 lbs. I was sent away to a girls home for out of control teenagers for 2 years and they feed you very gross high calorie processed government food there, and not eating is not an option if you want to get out. So about 4 months into my pregnancy I was doing ok and went in for my 5 month check up and had gained 15 lbs I cried it was awful. my next month check up I gained another 10 again hysterical and swearing I did not know how I was gaining all this weight my doctor decided to do some further test. Turned out the last part of my pregnancy I developed toxemia. By the time I had my son I weighted 181 the day before. I was so depressed and hated to look at myself by the time I had him. A month after he was born I got the ok from my doctor to start exercising I had already loss half the weight from not eating but in went the video and worked my ass off. He was born in Feb. and my May I was at around 120 and feeling great again.

When I was 19 I got addicted to Meth. So when I got pregnant with my second child, my daughter at 20 I weighted about 100-110. I am very anal about harming your baby when you are pregnant so I stopped the drug use immediately. I only gained 25 lbs with her but starting out under weight my doctor was nerves but she was fine and healthy. Of course I started using meth again after she was born so the weight just fell off.
5 years later I got pregnant with my twins. My drug use was out of control they are probably the only thing that saved me at that point. again extremely under weight and barely gaining any they were 7 weeks early. I asked my doctor if it was something i had done he said no most twins come early cause there is not enough room for them. They only had to stay a week in the hospital and after 8 years they are some of the biggest children in there classes. again I went back to using meth but after losing our house and I almost lost every thing loved I got clean. I have been clean for 5 1/2 years now. I put on 60 lbs in like 4 month due to depression detox and the fear of leaving my house. In the summer of 2007 I was very suicidal and couldnt take it any more. I switch my drug addition back to my eating additions to cope. I lost 40 lbs that summer and have fought and struggled between 130-140 since it is a yo yo of numbers everyday (cause I am a freak and weigh everyday).

I am sure this was more info than you wanted to know but I wish it was just about food for me it is so much more. Dont get me wrong I would not give my children up for the lowest BMI in the world I just wish it wouldnt effect your hips or give you stretch marks but they are worth it in the end. I love my children!!

THANKS!!!

Thanks ladies for the great kind and very encouraging words!!! I am sorry I was having a pity party yesterday I am better today ok maybe not better but I dont feel so weighted down today. I have decided that I am not going to weigh myself everyday. I know I have said this before and it was very hard not to get on that scale this morning. I have got to stop weighing myself 20 times a day it is driving me crazy. I have my black ice monster and celery sticks. fingers crossed i make something happen. I just wanted to tell you all thanks again for reading my garbage and then leaving me kind words it really means a lot.

Worthless

God that is exactly what I am completely and udderly worthless. I can not do anything right. I cant loss weight I cant be a descent mom, wife or even friend. I am a drain on the oxygen of someone better than me!!!

I am not sure what is going on at home maybe it is just me but it seems like if my husband and i are even in the same room he starts picking a fight with me. I have just avoided him the last few days to save my sanity. Yesterdays weigh in was a fucking bust. I gained 3 lbs since last week yea that is nice. I mean really how hard is it to either stay the same weight or loss people do it all the time. if i could just stop putting shit in my mouth then I could also be one of those people. I was so embarrassed when I left the weigh in.
My world is falling apart I cant stop it and just sit like a bump on a log and watch it. I dont even complain about it anymore just sit there and watch. I have no want to even try and fight back. just let it be. I need to do something about my weight or just drop out of the challenge I am not one that thinks you should do anything you are not good at and my biggest fear in life is failure and I am failing at everything.

Plan from now till Monday

So my next weigh in is monday I really hope I do good. I am thinking about a fast today and tomorrow. I will make my low cal soup saturday morning and eat it for lunch and dinner saturday, sunday and monday. I am hoping the weather will be ok for a run saturday and sunday and will exercise every chance I get. I know my scale at home that I use will have to be under 136 in order to do any good monday afternoon. God I hate weighing in with clothes on in the afternoon. I have not seen the 130's in YEARS I get so close then screw it up some how. figures crossed I can do it.
So far today I have had my coffee, Monster Absolutely zero, which sucks and taste nothing like their Black Ice but forgot to go to the store last night so this is what I have. I am hoping for the best on this fast!