No title sorry

So it has been awhile well not really it seems like every time I come here lately my dashboard is screwed up and I can not see any of your blogs get pissed an leave. Kitty as soon as I figure out how to follow blogs again I will follow your food one. Great Idea by the way.

So last time I posted I posted my stats from class. I weighted in last week on the 6th and while I have not lost any weight which is rrreeeaaaallllyyyyyy pissing me off I have lost 6% body fat. I will weigh in again in a week and see where I am. I wanted to post this exerciser to give people an idea of what we do for 45 min 3 times a week and maybe this will help a  few of you over the hump.

Hope you enjoy it I can't wait to do these myself!! have a great Tuesday all!!

Dont Let the day define you, YOU define the day!!!

That is my new motto, I am sure I have heard it somewhere not taking credit for making it up, but do love it. Say it to myself often. So in the spirt of my new motto I will tell you how my life has gone so far....
Picked up my son last Saturday it has been great having him back, he is not "fixed" by any means but we all have a different approach we are taking with him and so far so good. He sees his counseler this morning and hope they make a bond that will help him though this dark time and find light where it is much needed!

Oh did I tell you I bought one of those heart monitor, calorie counting watches? I freaking love this thing lol. it took a few days to get the hang of but if it is correct I am kickin ass on burning cals lol. I think it helped me find some much needed motivation also. The next session of boot camp starts next week she has been posting work outs for us though so we can stay active and did my own this morning. I am trying to stay positive even though all I want is instant gradification and to look like Milla Jovouich hahahah.

So yesterday in honor of my new motto (ok I will stop with the motto thing lol) I did something completely out of character. I sent two seeking employment letters to some youth homes near where I live. We dont have any in my county closest ones are 70 miles away. I have my fingers crossed that I get something positive back. I have been in school now for 2 years and HATE my job, well not so much my job just the douche bags I work for. I am setting up a CRP and first aid class soon I think this will help and just praying I get some type of response I really want to start working with children and their parents. I have been on both sides of the fence in my life and just want to make a difference. I am still on the road to eventually become a counselor at our local office, but know this is far out. Just want to get some experience under my belt and do something with the 20 thousand dollar it has cost me so far lol.

Headed into a 3 day weekend have tons of stuff I want to get done and all involves being active so hopfully the weather is good! It always rains on Memorial weekend where I live but today is looking pretty good!

Off to read all you lovely ladies blogs have a great weekend!!! Stay positive!

Update

So just an update on my crazy out of control life....
My son gets to come home tomorrow I will be leaving in the morning to get him (so happy). They have adjusted is meds so hopefully he can think things though better instead of just reacting. They said he have extremely low self esteem, which makes me feel even shitter, I mean how the hell does a 9 year old get servilely low self esteem?? I have always tried to no let this happen I grew up with that but I know how I got it. and he has Oppositional defiance disorder. We have some serious work ahead of us! I will make sure he has a long healthy productive life!

On to my boot camp update. the three weeks I paid for was kinda a bust between the problems with my son and then this week I got this horrible stomach flu thing that will not leave our valley. People are being hospitalized this thing is so bad!! So last night I paid another $100.00 for ten classes this summer, i could have done 20 for $200.00 but sometimes my life gets in the way lol. So last night was the fit test I am using this as my start point for next sessions. I was still pretty sick and very bloated and had drank tons of water to keep hydrated from this flu but below is my start point.
Weight 149.6
Body Fat 28.8 (She said she thought this was a lot of water and bloat lol??)
She pulled the tape measure tighter than I do for these measurements but since she will be measuring me again we sill go with it
Thigh 21
Hip 35
Waist 29
We also did some fit test exercises I wrote down the amounts I was able to do so I can see how much I hopefully am improving later. I have never been big on keeping a notebook but for this kind of money I think I am going to start. I want to write things down so I can see my progress or failures first hand.
I should probably get back to work hopefully the day goes quick so I can go get my little man tomorrow the 6 hour drive is going to kill me! happy blogging all and have a good weekend!

WOW I suck at being a parent

This is long and I am having a pity party at the moment do not feel you have to read. 

So let me give you some insight about my life right now but first we need to go back about 9 years...
As I have wrote I have twins they were my last children and it has been ruff. When my son was 9 months old he was in his walked on the porch on afternoon. His sister woke up from her name and so I told my oldest son who was 9 at the time to walk the baby I would be right back. In 5 seconds I heard an awful scream came running out and my baby was laying upside down in his walked. He had falling off our 6 inch porch. The next day he was just crying and cry and I thought his head looked a bit swollen so I took him to the hospital. He had a skull fracture from the fall. The pressure on his brain was not denting inwards so no surgery was require and the neurosurgeon said he should be fine. My son has always been the complete opposite of his twin sister. Where she is mellow he is hyper. Where she is quiet he is loud, impulsive and does not think things though. He has always sought out attention in any way he could get it where positive or negative. He has by far been my hardest child. I have spanked him way more than any other child of mine and maybe even been a bit more ruff on him, but he just pushes you to that point ALL THE TIME!! Intelligent wise he is super smart though maybe even too smart and knows how to play people. He is on medication and has been diagnosed with ADHD, depression  and low self esteem . The school has been very patient which is a great help. Recently he has decided that running away is his new thrill it has escalated to the point that we have to get our local law enforcement involved because he his getting farther away from where he is suppose to be. So Tuesday he ran from school. Wednesday I had to meet with tons of people and they gave me two choices, I could either voluntarily admit my son to a mental health behavioral hospital in our state or child services how come in remove him from our home and send him there anyways. I opted to do it voluntarily this was I still have custody of him. His dad is very mad at me now. He does not think that people or maybe just our family can have mental issues. He believes a kick in the ass would solve my sons problems. But we have tried that approach along with a million others nothing is working so it is just something we have to face. I will be taking to this hospital Saturday it is an 8 hr drive and have a feeling I will have to go by myself. I can not believe my 9 year old son has to be sent away. what the fuck is my problem as a parent??/ Why the fuck would god allow me to have children that I was just going to fuck up. I am so mad at myself and if I had know that all of these mental issues my son has to endure these last years was or even could have been I would have been doing everything I could to fix this before we could get to this point. The sad thing is either he really whats to go away or just does not get it cause he is happy about it. We told him that this would happen if he kept it up and it has happened. I hope and pray that he gets the help he needs and that he wants to come home soon. My heart hurts and my faith in god is low due to all the bull shit my family and children seem to always face. So now I am at 3 children that will have been sent away from my home. And I still think I need to help others with their problems Good God I live in such a fantasy huh

Thanks :)

First I just want to say thanks for the great comments. It was very nice to read them and gave me a bit of confidence that was needed. I cant say thanks enough!

Now for the boot camp thing I was talking about, the lady that does it had a few ladies drop out and since her dad is having neck surgery she was not having one at the end of May like planed but told me I could join the last 3 weeks of this one. I jumped at the chance. It only cost me $100.00 and will hopefully give me some new ideas on exercises to help keep me where I want to be. Last night was a bit hard. She has been pushing the rest of the class for 2 weeks so there I was kinda struggling to keep up but she was very encouraging. I also came across a squat challenge on FB so will be doing that also. She has a nutrition plan but looking over that I just can not eat that much I mean REALLY people. Not sure if I will get the resolute I was hoping for but that is just to much food in one day. I thought she was going to take my measurements last night but didnt so I took everything this morning. Heres where I stand at the beginning of this journey...
Weight   144.8 (Still working off Vegas lol)
Right Thigh   21 1/2
Left Thigh     21 1/2
Hip               36
Waist            30 ( I am a bit bloated for some reason I can see it :( )
Found a web site and it says that my body fat is 26.2% GROSS!!!

So on the first of June I will post my results and see if there is any difference god I hope so. The weather is being crazy right now but last weekend was good enough to clean my yard. Tomorrows forecast snow lol. I really would just like it to get warm already!!!
Ok well I am off to read how all your weekends went bye for now.!

How do you spell HYPOCRITE???

So I am avoiding work right now but need some advise from you guys on here and I am in a bit of a delema ssssoooo...
I have been thinking a lot about my schooling I am about half way done the plane was to get a major in social and criminal justice and become a juvenile probation officer, well the only problem with that is in our small town we already have one he is not great (I know thanks to my son) but never the less he has the job so I was thinking are you kidding me I just spent all this money and now what and I have also thought about quitting school all together but I actually like school so didnt want to do that. So my youngest son has been acting out a lot more than usual and the school has told me before just let us handle it so in the past I have but now feel something different needs to happen so I called out counseling office yes the same one I bailed on to see what they could do. Most of their counselors are full main reason I got stuck with the one I did but I meet with someone yesterday. He specifically said I dont deal a lot with children but I will help and do what I can. WTF geez man here I am trying and there is not even help available for me??? so I called my AA today and was talking with him. He suggested that I do this approach. Major in Social and Criminal justice AND either psychology or sociology. This way I have more options for jobs. I poked around their catalog a bit and think sociology would be my best bet but NOW I am having a HUGE moral issue how do I help people when I am probably as messed up if not more than them?? Am I again wasting my time. Why am I so compelled to go to school to help people if my life is one big pile of shit??? I really need some advise cause I have always wanted to help kids catch it before they are adult prison inmates but my own kids in the system so if I cant fix mine why should I be paid to fixes others??/ Is any of this making sense to anyone else even? Input would be greatly appreciated thanks in advance

It's over???

So about a month ago my girls started watching Make it or Break it on Netflixs it aired on ABC family a few years ago. They only did 3 seasons and they should have done more. This show reminded me how much I loved gymnastics the 3 whole months I got to do it when I was younger. What hard work and dedication it took to just go as far as I did. We finished the last episode last night I wish there were more shows like that for children to watch it sent such a great message. Now I have to find something else to watch while I am waiting for the new season of Vampire Diarys to start lol. Oh and I bought a timer from the store yesterday got home and it wont work so I will take it back and hopefully start my training workout tomorrow! take care all

Hi everyone

So I am back vegas sucked ass. It was so cold the wind was blowing so hard all the time. Stupid me did not pack clothes for it so I had to buy some while I was there. We had lots of fun at the wax museum and the body excibite was CRAZY and we got to get away and spend so time with each other so I guess that was the high light since the weather wasnt. I ate so much and drank twice as much while we were there and ever since I have been back I feel so hungry and end up eatting a ton. this mornign I was 149.2 WTF when I left I was 142.3 god I am so gross!!!
So I have a little bit of money coming back from my excess school funds and I am going to do this boot camp thing that is done by a female body builder that lives here. It starts May 20th. It cost $200.00 and last 5 weeks but I am really excited I know a few people that have had amazing results and took away awesome exercises that helps them maintain their weight loss if they stick with it and for $200.00 you can bet your sweet ass I will be! Today I made me a circuit training work out I have to do something with myself so we will try this. I have about 4 pairs for pants that I have purposely bought to small over the last year thinking that would give me incentive to get skinny so I have told myself that if they do not fit by the end of this boot camp thing in the middle of june I will sell them and just face the facts that I am fat and will probably remain that way till I die. Not much else is going on I am way busy at work since I missed 4 days last week so I better get back to work just want to say hi. :) talk to ya all later!

Lots to do no time to do them and I am still fat

lol wow I leave Monday. I can not decide what to pack and I hate not having things done early. I still have to do my homework for next week so all i will have to do is post it when I get home thursday and instead I am here and on FB playing guess my word lol. The weather has changed alot since I booked our trip and it looks like laying pool side in 90 degree weather is out just my luck but on the other hand it will be 40 degrees warm than where I live so I think I can still manage some pool time!
Yesterday I had a huge binge fest I made myself sick it was so bad. but could never find time or privacy to purge so I took 4 colon cleansing tablets and am hoping for the best. God I still have tons of laundry, house cleaning, packing for me and my children, one more tan session, and school work to do all by 8:00 monday morning. Ok I am off to do something productive probably write more later.

P!nk - Just Give Me A Reason ft. Nate Ruess

I love Pink. I swear she has a window to my world and releases songs at just the right moment for me lol. I know stupid thought but I really do love all of her songs!! I have heard this song every time I have gotten in my truck today. I am in love with the lyrics and swear this could be written for me and my hubby. I love the line I'm not broken just bent. I will tell myself this from now on! you can straighten bent but there is always a crack in broken.

Have to ask

Is anyone else having trouble seeing the Blogs they are following? It is really starting to piss me off. I hated this new lay out the first time found a way to change it and then they fixed it so we all had to have it again. I really hate change (unless it is my weight going down lol) and then when the change doesnt work right it really makes it worse. Am I doing something wrong is it just me? HELP lol

Why cant I just get it

I consider myself a some what bright intelligent person. I have my issues but over all I think I get it in the brains department so WHY is the number on the scale my unicorn. I mean when I buy clothes I am not shopping in the plus size section. depending on the store (which really gets to me lol) I wear a 28-29 or 3-7. I know I will never be a size zero I do not even have that size as a goal. mine is all about the number on the scale I see 140 anything and feel like the Pillsbury dough boy. Me and my 14 year old daughter wear almost the same size in pants. she is just a little smaller than me and in shirts since she was gifted with boobs from where i dont know lol. I wear a smaller shirt than her. I do not think she is fat in any way so why do I see myself as fat. huge jumbo thunder thighs that shake the ground when I walk?? Also I hate myself almost every morning, the night before I will have these big plans to exercise for a certain amount of time. I plan the work out then my alarm goes off at 4:30 and some days if I do get up it is after I have hit snooze 3 or 4 times so then I have to cut my work out short and I bitch at myself all day for not getting my fat lazy ass up and working on fixing my problem I would rather lay there and collect more fat cells. I try and reason some sense into myself but I still end up with the same conclusion all the time. Then I wonder what is it that I want exactly. What weight what size what measurements would make me happy. and for being 5 ft 8 inch 35 years old with 3 full term pregnancies (one was twins) I cant except to look like a VS model can I.. Sorry for my babble I just am sick of this thoughts that I can not make any sense of and I should be able to.

I know we all have these crazy thoughts about perfection what do you do to suppress them or work though them

Hello Again and Happy Easter

WOW two months have gone by again. I did get on here a while ago but got caught up in superskinny vs supersize (lol thanks kate) and other you tube post and before I knew it I had to get some work done so had to log out. Lets do an update.

So filed my taxes on the 15th just like every student was suppose to and I used H&R Block well after 17 years that will never happen again. I was one of the thousands that got their returns messed up and it too eight weeks to get it. I was really stressed and pissed by the time I got it. One of my New Years Resolutions was to start counseling again. I was actually pretty excited thought I would get the help I needed and thought maybe after 35 years of being messed up I could see that I did not need to live like this. So the only counselor that was available was a young just out of school girl. My first session started with her telling me my rights as a patient her responsibilities as a counselor basically everything the lady at the front desk did just took her longer. Then we did a brief and when i say brief I mean brief history. I was not an open book maybe I should have been but hey that is one of my issues. So I think we maybe got to age 12-13 and of course I was not going into great detail as it was. When I left I was a little disappointed but thought this will get better as time goes. We will have more time next week and things will start looking up. So next week came and all the sudden she wanted to start doing all these emotion exercise and stuff, i thought hey slow down you still know nothing about my life you never asked me if I was ever on drugs or if I had ever been molested and if so how many times. (not that I would have told her everything anyways). How can you help someone if you know nothing about them??? Maybe part of it was my fault maybe I should have let my walls down and just let it out but I cant. So that session was my last. I hate myself for not going but I just felt like I was not a classic text book case and she would have never gotten it.
My life is still full of ups and downs. We are trying to remold our house it is all tore apart and we are doing nothing to put it back together it is driving me crazy. Hubby and I are our usual selves we look like the perfect couple but behind closed doors it is another story. and I swear he just keeps pushing my buttons to see how much I can take before I break and I have broke often.
A positive note my oldest son graduated from high school last thursday. he is the first one out of 3 older kids to do this I am very proud of him!! My step son is still sitting in county jail waiting to go to prison it is really stressing him out and he calls his dad crying all the time. it is hard because there is nothing we can do for him. no amount of money will save him. it is hard to deal with.
It is time for hubby and my annual trip he picked vegas again. So we are going on the 15th of April and since it will be really warm I choice to stay at the Hard Rock for their pools. I am not very savoy on the lay out and the more research I do the more I think we screwed ourselves and stuck us in the middle of nowhere. I will hear about that forever now. So I have been trying to get my bikini body on and I can not get below 140 why why cant I since my twins have been born I have never been able to do this it drives me freakin crazy!!! I still have 15 days to work my ass off so maybe who knows. I will not be as tan as I would like also cause I did not realize how seen our trip was when I bought my package. days just go to fast for me.
School is still going ok I am in a lot of my criminal justice classes now and am really liking them. I just hope that someday I can find a job where this schooling pays off.
My twins have been up since 6 am to see their baskets and look for eggs they are now bored and jacked up on candy and hard boiled eggs lol. I think I am going to lock myself in my bathroom take a long hot bath and hope they do not kill each other hahaha. Happy easter all I will check in more and need to catch up on more blogs. Wish you all the best today!

Where the hell did this P&B fest come from

Sorry this might be very triggering read with coution.

I am completely embarrassed with myself right now. I was going to go to the store for some rice cakes and maybe a small plate of fruit or veggies for lunch. And for some reason I bought sweet and sour pork and 2 egg rolls, a LARGE brownie from the bakery, a bag of rice cakes, and have managed to eat it all and then throw it all up. I hate when I do this. I cant stand to have the food in my stomach it reminds me how truly week I am. Now my throat and stomach hurt so bad and I just want to go home. When I get home I will be taking 3 colon cleaning tablets to help with the major fuck up I did today good god I am discussing!! I was not even rally hungry so I have no idea why I thought I needed to do this. I hate that once I start eating I cant stop sometimes. :(

I wanted to share this with you all. I am still researching EDNOS fact or fiction. Sometimes I just dont get it but the What Not to Say to Someone with an ED is pretty good.

 http://christianelaird.hubpages.com/hub/What-NOT-to-Say-to-Someone-with-an-Eating-Disorder

Where does the time go??

I come here all the time prepared to give an update let poeple know what is going on, but I always want to check in with you guys first and end up posting and getting side tracked my my update never happens lol.

So quiting smiking is not a complete success yet up I have to say I feel like I am doing pretty good. It is really hard cause hubby still smokes and then lets not forget that I also like to drink and what is a beer with out a ciggerett that is like hamburger without fries lol. Uh what else. Oh yea my step son is off to prison for 3 years because he slept with a girl that was 16 yr and 9 months old. In the state I am from 17 is age of concent. She told a bunch of lies also about being abused and stuff. Grandparents are doing better I am so happy about that cause I love them so much!!

I think I might be buying an elipitcal tomorrow night, people make me laugh I ran into the guy that is selling it yesterday on my way to work and was setting up a time to head over to his house, he looked at me and said why the hell do you need an eliptiacl look at yea...I kinda chuckled but thought to myself you think this comes easy. Hell no!!! I skip meals get up at 4:30 am to get a work out in decide is it will be beer or food for dinner. I mean people just do not have a clue. I realize 90% of people buy something like that and it just sits there as their ass gets fatter but I am cheap and if I am going to spend $250.00 on something that bitch will be wore out in no time lol.
I am really pissed that I can not file my taxes till the 15th due to that stupid collage tax credit thing I mean are you freaking kiddin me it is my money give it back. Our government is really starting to scare the shit out of me!! They will think when I go into the HR office and claim 9 on my w-4 form and they get no taxes any more then I just stop filing lol. No I am kiddin I would never dare do that cause you can bet the IRS would be knocking at my door in no time!! Ok I am off to do some work cause I just realized that the end of the month is in 2 days and since I am in account that is bad. Hope you all are doing good and talk later.

Oh Monday????

So I did not get my measurements taken because friday night I ended up calling an ambulance for my grandpa because he was in so much pain I could not get him to the car. His pneumonia has came gave and is damaging his lung. I am now trying to quit smoking, in 40 years I do not want that to be me. I have been using my e-cig and hope to wing myself off that soon. I think I have done pretty good. I always use the excuse I dont want to gain weight but really I know many people that have quit and did not gain much weigh after so that is going to be me :)
WinterA I look forward to your guys comments do ever thing you have over stepped a line. I do not know what my daughters problem is except she wants to be a grown up. she is the middle child and sees what her brothers (almost 18 and almost 22) do and I guess she figures that at 14 she can do it to and we fight. She does play her dad and I which causes tension between us. Sometimes I think she wants us to leave each other so she can live with him and then lord knows what will happen to her. She also has friends without a lot of parental supervision and she thinks I should be more like them.
Everyone else thanks for the concern about my grandparents it is nice to hear. We are working though it. Since I admitted him friday night he is doing much better and hopefully is seeing that if he does not take care for himself he will be suck in there forever.
Not much else to write about, it is starting to warm up on -5 this morning so here hoping for better weather lol. so I am going to go catch up on blogs take care ladies and talk later.

Just a Quicky

Ok so I have paid my $20.00 and weighed in 146.8. Ok I have to admit I cheated a little lol. Nothing serious I just wore really heavy clothes today and at like a cow most the morning. I just want to see some progress. Oh and I forgot to bitch about how incredibly cold it has been here. it has not been above -14 in the mornings for a week and right now at 2:00 pm our high is 10 yea 10 freakin degrees got to love livin in the Rockeys lol

Day 4 of 2013

Well my year is starting off with a bang. My grandma had surgery on her elbow the friday before christmas. It got staph infection in it. our hospital was trying to get it under control but they couldnt so they shipped her to another hospital out of town. This is great for her but bad for my grandpa. Like I said before he is just not the same since his car accident and some times I wonder where he went. It is so hard to see him like this. The man that I have looked up to. taught me to ride a bike, work hard drive and walked me down the isle is now reverting back to a two year old all from a freakin bump on the head. Come on it is bad enough my real dad was taken from me at 2 now the only man I have ever loved is mentally leaving me too??? I realize that he is 75 and this day was coming and soon I will not have him at all but seeing him leave us like this is just heart breaking.Since my grandma has been gone my aunt and I have been pulling double time checking on him. This morning I just wanted to cry. I walked in and he was just sitting on the couch. No oxygen on with we continual bitch at him about. he had every light and TV on. I went to his room to get his oxygen and could here a funny noise he had the heater turned up to 80 and my grandmas hair dryer full blast laying on the floor??? What is going though his mind? god I wish I could help him he looks so lost and alone where ever he is. We have also learned from his home health care nurse that some of his meds are not suppose to be mixed with other meds that he has been given yep we are getting that figured out right damn fast. my aunt is taking him in today. I will be taking him up to see my grandma tomorrow I hope that helps both of them.

Ok so now that I am done whining about things I can not change lets move on to my weight another thing I can not change lol. The salon I go to is having another beginning of the year weight loss challenge. I will go weigh in on my lunch break this year I will work much much harder than I did last year. I am also getting this juice stuff from bolthouse and that will be most of my calorie intake for the next 12 weeks. I will let you know what I weighed and I think I am going to take my 2013 measurements tomorrow, hubby has been home since the first of the year so I have not had time to do it. Hope things are going well with all of you. nice to see some of you are back loved reading update post. Take care and lots of love all.