Late merry Christmas

Sorry I am late on wishing you all merry christmas. I had tons of family all weekend so no time to get on. I just spent most the morning reading everything you lovely ladies had wrote.
So update on life.
I got my final grade in ANT101...worst class EVER Thank god I got a B and my GPA is still 3.62 so I just might make the winter Deans list??
Weight wise I have started to loss ALL of the disgusting weight from the last 2 weeks I am down to 145 this morning. I think I did very well on christmas day also. I am praying that my kids eat the rest of all the homemade goodies on the counter today. hehehe.
So my hubby me and a bunch of friends are going out of town for new Years I have this way cute white pants I want to wear. So I have been trying hard to loss weight. Since saturday I have been wearing this Curves Trimming Shorts in hopes to make my thighs and butt a bit smaller. The pants are a bit tight. also I think I am going to wrap my thighs in plastic wrap for a while on saturday before we go out. I am praying that works. I dont know I have never tried it before. So I will talk to ya all later take care and stay strong.

I got nothing

not sure why I am even posting I have nothing good to say. I have gained 6 lbs in the last two weeks and really I have no idea how it happened. I really was not eating much or drinking more than usual. Weighed myself this morning and luckily I weight the same as yesterday. I am not going to post the number because if i see it i might start crying again. I got this really cute white pants to wear on new years they are a bit tight so for the last two days anything that goes in my mouth I purge right after. doubled up on my colon cleansers and have been doing squats and lunges and marching in place as much as I can. I really want to wear those pants.
Speaking of new years me my hubby and two friends are headed out of town for the night we are getting away and partying with a group of my hubbys friends he works with. it is going to be cool. I get my hair cut on the 28th nothing dramatic I really love my long hair I just need something done with it. I will post more again hopefully before christmas but cant promise anything.

I dont know why i bother

So let me start by saying sorry if i sound like an attention seeking whore or a whiner but damn if it was not for run or sam I would have no comments. Which I am SO thankful for, but I realize I only have 30 followers compared to a lot of your 100 or so but come on. when i post especially pics a comment or two would be nice. and if you have never commented before please do not read this and rush to the bottom just to make me feel better I am on the verge of just deleting this damn thing and bottling up all my emotions and psycho thoughts and just dealing with them like i have done for years. Shit i have had an ED before the net and bloging was invented. I have not died yet and unfortunately dont fore see it in the near future. sorry I just am sick for checking every day and never having a comment.

BYE

FML!!!

Good god i suck. and all there is to say is FML!!! So between last night and this morning my life has gone from shit to complete and udder SHIT. Last night my hubby took forever to come to bed and then when he walked in the room he asked why are you taking pics of yourself have naked? I was like what?? he said yea I was going though your phone and found some and what is up with you taking one of your back? so quickly I was like oh I was going to take random pics of myself one day to get you all worked up and then take one completely naked to get you excited. Ok he so knows better than that that shit aint me. When I posted pics of myself on here I used my phone I had erased them from the phone but forgot to erase them from my send box OMG how could I be so stupid I mean I was not naked or anything they are not sexy pics but he is a freak about shit like this. I cant tell him the real reason either so now he is treating me like shit I guess is thinking I am having an affair or something GOD.
Then to top of my effed up life I now know why I could not loss any weight last week up Aunt flo came to visit god I hate her. some day I hope to either get insurance and get a hysterectomy or save up the money for one. I want one of those more than I want lipo lol.
So now I will have to spend lord knows how long proving to my asshole husband that i am not cheating on him that i love only him and I dont want any one else. fuck all might I cant take this bull shit. I am so stupid some days ggggrrrrrr

Nothing new sice last Post and Pictures

So not much is new other than it is FREAKIN cold were I live. it was about -12 at my house this morning. bbbrrrr I wish it would start snowing so I can start going snowboarding I am really looking forward to that this year since my twins are getting much better I can enjoy it more also. So I woke up to the puppy freakin out in the kennel wanting out so I did not weigh myself when I got up this morning will weigh in tomorrow and post.

It is offical I am once again the fat friend

So not the best weekend for me. I posted friday how my one friend was getting rather large before she got her gym membership and started dancing. I guess I just let myself go a little or just did not realize I was getting fatter. So friday night I texted my friend that had just had a baby c-section in July that has been working out like a dog also and she weighs 155 not bad for having to wait almost 2 month before working out do to her c-section so yep I am the fat friend...

I got really sick yesterday afternoon thank god or lord know how much I would have ate so I didnt do measurements or pic but did them today
Weight: 143.8
Waist (right across my belly button): 30 (stomach still a bit bloated from being sick I know it is just an excuses sorry)
Thigh Left: 22 Right: 22
Hips (right across widest part): 37
Calfs Left: 15 Right:14
Upper Arm Left: 10 1/2 Right: 10 1/2
I have loss a few LBS this week but game on my friends I cant do this any more. There is no more stilling still for me if I can move some part of my body I will. Pics below have a great day all.

Day 2 and am still fat

So this mornings weigh in was 144.6 better than 146.6 from the day before. Total cals from solid food yesterday was 684. Today was not so good. This guy at work made homemade cupcakes so I ate one to make him happy. But that has been it so far. I think I am buying salad tonight fixing my fam grilled cheese sandwiches and tom soup and I will eat salad and maybe some soup.
I wanted to die today...I had a friend that had actually gained quite a bit of weight. Not that I was happy she was fatter than me...ok wait I was but she got a gym membership she works like 2-3 a week and started "bikini" Dancing not striping and today we were at coffee and she was bragging about fitting into her size 1 holsters again I have to shimmy jump around and lay on the bed to fit in my size 7. Any ways I looked at her and she has gotten REALLY skinny again OMG I am the biggest fattest nastiest person on the face of the earth right now. I swear I will be skinny SOON I cant take much more. I am so depressed right now!!!

Day 1 of Winter Challenge

So first off sorry I have not been around much honestly I think my fat ass should maybe just stay away!!! So it is the first day of "Petal in the Winds" Winter Challenge. Here are her rules...
1. An 800 calories per day maximum 2. For each 500 calorie increment that I exceed my calorie limit by = 24 hours of fasting starting the next day 3. No red meat or Pork 4. No chips, bread, rolls 5. No candy 6. Drink 8 glasses of water per day 7. Follow weekday exercise plan if you want rewards 8. Follow 30 day Self challenge starting tomorrow 9. Post your weight every single morning, post measurements every Monday ( Waist, hips, bust, thighs), post a progress pic every Monday as well :) 10. Fast as much as possible on Sundays 11. Take multivitamin and calcium every day 12. Wear a smile and dress pretty every day 13. Do nails once per week 14. Start a chore chart and keep on top of things around the house Goals 1. Gain a lot of flexibility 2. Get in better shape 3. Six pack abs 4. Reach goal weight by December 31st 5. Thigh gap 6. Tighten the glutes 7. Be healthier 8. Get my life in order Cheat Days: 1. Christmas Eve 2. Christmas day 3. New Year's Eve 4. New Year’s day

Ok here is my version. I am not going to stay away from red meat or Pork probably should but as I have wrote before I eat dinner with my family at night so my children do not think eating is bad. I am not doing the 30 self challenge either I dont know why I just dont want to. I am not a nail painter so I will try and add something else beside that. and I dont take vitamin so that is out. I will however post my first measure means and possibly pics Saturday. I might do them every Saturday weekdays are just to busy.

So to fill you in I weighed in this morning OMG I am a loser! so update as of 2:15 my time
Weight 146.4 (Good Lord I wanted to die!)
If you count sunflower seeds as solid food I have had a hand full of those nothing else but coffee and water. Dinner tonight is 1 small pork chop 205 and 1 cup mash potatoes 237 and cup of frozen corn 132. I am still well within the 800 cal mark for the day. I did not exercise this morning (cause I suck) maybe can march in place while watching tv tonight.
Sorry this was so long if you read all of it thanks. OK off to catch up with you all.

5 personal questions and the answers

So I was getting to know some of my followers and came across this post on "F A D E into Glory's blog I thought I would give it a try might help people get to know me a little better. and I am avoiding my Anthropology reading like the pledge lol

1. When did your bizarre eating behavior begin?

As far back as I can remember I have always been a big meal skipper. I remember in High School I would eat 1 yogurt for lunch and nothing else all day.


2. When did you notice it was different/ have you always known?

I am really not sure I guess around 13 years old or something. I just knew I did not want to be obese like the rest of my family so I needed to really watch what I ate vs. what they were eating.

3. Is this a choice?
I think yes and no. I say that because at 34 should I be seeking help YES!!! s I choice to live this way. and then on the other hand I feel like I have lived like this so long I dont know any other way. I cant help the way I am because it is just me.

4. Once you figured yourself out, did you do any research into eating disorders?
Yes 6 years ago I gave up meth. Gain like 40 lbs and got very depressed. I used ana sites and forums to find strength and hope. I lost 30 lbs that summer and dont feel so lost any more. When I was growing up there was no internet so you were on your own back then.

5. How much does this affect your social life & relationships in general, & in what ways?
It affect me a great deal. I have a VERY skinny friend that in my mind I am always in competition with. I will not eat in front of her EVER!!! To insure my children especially my daughters so not get these awful thought I will eat dinner with them and then most the time purge after dinner. My husband also feeds my desire to be skinny he makes fun of fat people and will even let me know if I a putting on a few pounds. sometimes it hurts my feelings but I know it also keeps me in check so deep down I am thankful for it. My social life is a little tricky to I ate girls night out. dinner, movie and drinks after OMG it is hard to not put the cals away on those nights!

Well there are some brief answers Happy Thanksgiving ladies!!!

Not much

Not much going on here. I just wanted to thank all my new followers and to let any of you know if you have any questions just ask. So After Wed. I am off till next Tuesday I can't wait I have no idea what I am going to do with 5 days off though. I am kinda bummed though no one is coming to my house for Thanksgiving and I was not invited anywhere else either so Thursday it will just be the hubby and 4 maybe 5 of our kids. it is like a regular day with turkey i guess. I bought some supper cute black skinny jeans the other day can not wait til my thighs look just right in them hopefully soon I have been doing a lot of exercises with my stabilizer ball these days hoping to do more target area moves and speed up the gap. Ok well I am off to do more work I just wanted to tell my new followers hi and thanks for reading and my old followers hi and thanks for continuing to read.

Thanks ladies

Thanks for your comments girlies. Makes me feel less crazy when people comment that even if it is in a small way they have some of the same thoughts.

Had another strange thought last night/ this morning. My hubby does not have large hands or anything so I love it when he puts his hands on top of my shoulder and it drapes down or sorry this one is TMI grabs my butt check and it doesnt mush out the end, but here is my point for a brief second I will feel skinny or tiny or fragile and then I will get on the scale and I will weight a LBS more than the last time I weighed. it drives me crazy or I will be feeling really fat and nasty and step on the scale and that is the lowest weight of the week. I think my mind plays tricks on me to try and make me crazy lol.
I dont know I am just off right now I guess.

Craxy Thigh Thoughts

Do not read unless you want to see what goes on in my crazy mind. I bit long and pointless but had to get it out. PLEASE fill free to comment and even leave your Weight, Height, and own thigh measurements if you would like too.

Ok so I have been obsessing and thinking a lot about the thigh gap lately. I have googled and read damn near everything there is to read. It will not give an exact measurement but in a few placed I read if you have narrow hips (or the pelvic bone) it is almost IMPOSSIBLE for you to have the thigh gap...This is driving me crazy because I would like to know what a narrow hip area consist of? what is the range and WHY. Also in my research I found that some guys look for the 3 diamonds not a thigh gap on a women's body to tell if they are in shape or have a nice body...the first diamond is located right under their crock in the thigh area the second is calf to knee and the third is leg to ankle. I really dont think my thighs even have a damn diamond shape maybe a very small opening if my pants are tight enough and i poke my butt out...Which brings me to my next psycho though I have been obsessing over. I have really been examining alot of thinspo pics lately and guess what if I do not put my knees together (like some pics I see) I too have a thigh gap. If I poke my butt out or bend forward a little I too have a thigh gap so now I have to completely examin how a girl is standing before I can say yep I want those thighs...also I googled measurements of average thighs that people have posted and I guess my 21 inch thighs are ok but then I think to myself at least America (I dont know about the rest of the world) is in an obese state right now so what exactly is "average".

Ok I am done babbling and if you stuck though all that crazy thinking I just vomited out onto this blog I thank you. lol

Bad Weekend

I hate the weekends I start out good then everything goes to shit!!! Yesterday I did great until 12 then I had a bowl of chili and two PB&J sandwiches. I did manage to skip dinner thou. Then today was going to be my day again was goin good with my coffee until about 10 then the kids wanted cereal so guess what I had yep a bowl with them. So I punished myself I shoveled my porches. Posted pics below it started snowing again while I was shoveling so dont look like much but it took and hour and fifteen minutes better than nothing. I am off to catch up with all you ladies hope you had a better weekend.


The back porch


The front porch

A few Thoughts and sorry TMI sometimes

I have been doing some thinking lately..I do that randomly and it really never turns out good when I do I just fill my head with more BS.

Anyways I woke up this morning with the stomach flue and I was happy. In what world is someone happy that they are in horrible pain stomach cramping and damn near shitty themselves trying to get to the bathroom (sorry I know TMI? ME I am so happy I have not had a descent bowel movement since Saturday so I am sure that effected my weight but now I feel very empty and am loving it. food does not sound even remotely good actually the thought of food right now makes me puke in my mouth a little and my stomach is growling once again. I am freakin crazy. Sick and wrong. I know normal people do not think like this cause any time any of my friends have the stomach flue they think it is the end of the world and I am jealous of them and pissed that I dont have it. Am I alone in the stomach flue department? I mean do I really have that messed up of issues that no one less has. If you feel the same please let me know I am not alone or if you have something else like this please let me know.

Also has anyone talked to Jane Payne?? I emailed her at the beginning of the week and have not gotten a reply I am getting a bit worried about her. Just let me know if anyone has heard from her, her last post was a bit shocking.

DAMN CANDY

Sweets are my downfall. I love candy, cookies, cakes if it has sugar I want it. and to make things worse there is candy everywhere I go lately. In the office, in my car, in my home, discounted at the store OMG people enough!!! So I have not weighed in since Monday morning I just cant see a higher number right now. The last two days my cal intake was to be at 500 I went over a bit Tuesday because I really wanted some mashed potatoes for dinner, but then did 50 jumping jacks and 25 squats to make up for it. yesterday I made it but only because all I ate was shitty ass candy. Today my intake is 300 cals so far gum and coffee fingers crossed I can make it till dinner tonight were I am only eating a small bowl of soup. So saturday I will take measurements and post them.

Thanks to weighless for your comment it make me smile and to Cryotaneko there was another girl how was about a foot shorter and 100 lbs heavier than me wearing my same costume saturday night I was pissed cause in the small town I live in I had to order mine and my hubbys costume and spent alot of money and really wanted to be the only queen of hearts out there. Oh well so is life right.

11-1-11 New me begins

Ok since I have no idea how to post this to the new page I started (if anyone could help that would be great lol) I will post it here. After a weekend of drinking and eating candy from my children I weighed in at 143.6 this morning gggrrr. I am allowed 500 cals today but like a dumb ass I forgot my lunch at home cause my children would not get ready this morning. I had 50 cals of mixed salad and my salad spritzer and a string cheese. Maybe today I will see what kind of soup is at the restaurant and have a small bowl. I was hoping to only eat thinks I could really track while on this ABC diet so I didnt freak out about really not knowing. My hubby is on his 7 days off shift so will post my measurements Saturday morning. My main goal is to just keep moving whether it be marching in place in my office or while watching tv at home maybe I can get a few leg lifts in at the stove cooking dinner I just think that is my best plan of action moving constantly will burn cals.

Hope you all had a great Halloween I know I did I love Halloween I know I said that before but I REALLY do lol. Off to catch up on all of your lives write more later.

Update My hubby is such a nice guy. He just called me and told me his was coming into town and would bring me my lunch stuff I set out I am so happy now lol.

Happy Halloween

Hope you all either had a great weekend or will have a great night tonight. I did my fun last saturday but taking the kids out tonight. Supper excited to try the ABC. I have worked hard all weekend on lowering my cals so I dont freak out and binge in the next 50 days. I hope I loss enough weight to look good in my New Years Eve dress. Here are a few pics of my hubby and I in our costumes. I blurred the faces cause we are from a small town and just really dont want my face on the computer.

Effing Hydroxycut

I am so pissed right now...So after reading about Angelina and a few others on here saying how their diet pills help them I decided to bust out my bottle of Hydroxycut that I got no results from this spring. So started taking them on Monday afternoon. Did not weigh in tuseday but did wednesday which was at 143 then I weighed in again thursday morning which was 146. WTF I even marched in place for 45 minutes wednesday night while watching American Horror Story and still gained 3 effing lbs. So yesterday I decided go go back to my Acai Elite which is not dramatic but does give me energy that I can feel and my weight has never sky rocketed on them. So took it once yesterday morning and then in the afternoon. was feeling pretty shitty and ate a few peanut butter cookie treat things could not get away from my hubby to march in place while watch project accessory so no extra calorie burning there and guess how much I weighed this morning 143.2 yea explain that shit. I am so frustrated right now.

So conditioning myself for the ABC diet that I will start Tuesday and I have figured out my punishment if I go over the cal count for the day, I will have to do that amount of either jumping jacks, crunches, squats, push ups ect. So basically what I am saying is if the cal count is 200 for that day and I go over 50 i will have to do 50 jumping jack, squats, push ups what ever. Maybe that will keep me from going over.

I am getting excited for tomorrow night I can not wait to dress up and hang out with my friends I will post pics!

New Page

So I started a new page it is called a new me by 2012. I will be very strict on myself and hope to see results soon. here is what I posted and I will update a little in my regular blog and on this page.

Here is the start of my new page.
****So I am done, I am not going to take it any more I will not sit here and cry about not losing weight I am just going to loss weight PERIOD!!!

Starting on November 1 I am going to do the ABC diet. I have printed a calendar and wrote it all out. if I do not max the cals for the day GREAT if I do I will exercise myself to death so help me god. I will exercise every morning and will devote at least 30 minutes a night to watching TV in a different room so I can march in place or something to burn some extra calories. My plan ends the 15th of December and having my 19 inch thighs and flat as a board stomach will be the best present I have ever had. Hell I might just buy a new pair of shoes if I can make it.

I am not going to post goal weights because for me it is not so much numbers on the scale as it is numbers on the measuring tape or the way my clothes are fitting me. I will keep a post on this page and in my blog. IT WILL HAPPEN or I will die trying I cant take it anymore. I hate feeling fat!!!

Angelina Jolie diet pills 93 lbs???

So as I was standing in line at the store last night I glanced at the magazine rack. On the front cover it said Angelina was addicted to diet pill. she is suppose to weigh like 93 lbs now. I googled it a little and one article said she was taking hoodia. Now dont get me wrong I could care less how much she weighs I a pissed because I cant find one freakin pill that does what it claims to do. I had great success with green tea tablets once. lost 30 lbs but that was at my HW and now I get nothing so tell me why they are working for her my first goal weight is 130 that is it just 10 freakin lbs and I cant even go there and she gets hoodie that actually works gggrrr sorry I am done now.

WHY!!!

So a quick update before I start my ranting ad raving lol

The twins party went GREAT. my sister took a few pics so as soon as she gets them to me I will post some. I am sure every little kids had a blast to and trust me there were a lot of them running around lol. I feel ok not to fat not skinny at all. tried on my costume that i will be wearing to the bar saturday and OMG is it short. I wish I was a bit skinnier in it also I think it would look much better and maybe it would not be so short. Hubbys costume came yesterday so we are set now i just have to wait which kills me cause I LOVE halloween. I get to be anything I want for a whole night! I have not realy exercised in a long time still have a bad cough, my hubby is getting worried about me but I am not turning blue and it has not forced me to quite smoking completely yet so i am still good lol it has tightened my stomach muscles a bit so i say what isnt killing me makes me stronger lol.

So on to my rant...What the hell is up with saddlebags you know the extra ass that sits on the side of your hips and works its way down to your knees I mean really it repulses me to no end. This will be the last time my ass is in these jeans till mine find somewhere else to be. GROSS GROSS GROSS and to top it off i did not even notice then this morning until i got to work so I am suck with them all day. Off to read bout you beautiful girlies talk later!!

Happy b-day to my Twins and to answer Janes questiom

It is my twins b-day today they are 8 years old. It has been a crazy ride so far and I am sure we are not done yet. Having children changes you but having 2 children at once insures you will never be the same again lol.

I am really excited to bring their cupcakes to school. I love doing that I think it is one of your "highlighted mom" moments. My mom was a huge alcoholic so doing something like that was out of the question completely for me and my siblings and then my b-day is in June so school was already out by then. All my childrens b-day are during school and after 6th grade I get a little sad cause I dont get to do it any more.

To answer your Question Jane, first there is hardly ever junk food at my house. Cookies, ice cream candy very rare. Seconds I just keep myself busy with cleaning and stuff so I dont think about eating. Also working a full time job really helps no one at my house knows I hardly eat. Dinner is very important for me to eat in front of my family though. I do not ever want to pass this on to my children. I fix dinner there for I can regulate what we have. I try and cook healthy foods low carb, and not alot of box items. Something that helps which I am not proud of is I am a purger. I hate it but it is my fall back plan all the time.

I just want to say thanks again to all my followers the comments and support are great I hate feeling alone and you girls are the best!!!!

WOW Sorry about the MIA

I am sorry about being gone for 2 weeks I did log on and read updates about all of you though. I have been VERY sick. Cant really exercise without starting to cough so bad I pee my pants. I am either really hungry or the thought of food makes me sick. but I have felt so thirsty and drink tons of water even in the middle of the night I will wake up and need water so I feel like my morning weigh ins are not right. really I have not weighed in everyday for over a week. I am starting to feel a bit better and am hoping that exercising will be something I can do soon. I feel so fat lately.


I have a huge weekend ahead of me. Wednesday is my twins b-day 8 years old...So I have to take cupcakes to school that day, then saturday I have rented the fun zone for my children's party 20-25 screaming children all jacked up on sugar for 2 hours. The only cool thing I see out of this is I have made it a costume party!!!

Other than just trying to survive not much less going on. Off to read your blogs from this weekend.

Great Weekend

Hi everyone hope you also had a great weekend. I was at hunting camp all weekend with the fam. Went on a few walks with the kids and dogs. Watch what I ate and relaxed. No phone tv friends drama it was great. I hated having to leave last night but kids had school and I have work. I am not sure if I have plateaued or i am building a lot of muscle but weight is still 140.8 has not moved. I think I need to go to more extreme measures and eat as little as possible and maybe even no meat till I drop more weight? I am off to read everyone elses blog...some times 2 days feels like forever.

Weird Dream

Ok I am the type of person that thinks everything has a meaning or a reason so I might just be over analyze this but last night I dreamt about ANA. I had a dream she was asking me to go do things with her though my facebook. I meet her at the gym or go on a job it was so weird and the worst thing was it was on my reg. facebook. I dont have an ED one any more.

In all my years I can not ever remember dreaming about food or anything ED related other than I am skinny and hot in my dreams. God this just feels like a how new level of crazy to me or it is my own way of telling myself to stop being a slacker and kick my will power up and take action OMG I dont know I just cant stop thinking about it.

139.8!!!

Yesterday was a great day, I went hunting with my hubby and got to ride my horse when we sat to eat lunch I was a little worried but I had a sandwich, 2 cookies, and 6 pringles. Then the work began the mountain my hubby wanted to go over was very steep so we walked out horses up it,then once we got up we found there was no where to go from there cliffs and drop offs on the other side so we had to walk back down. Coming out my knee was hurting pretty bad (it always  done something is wrong with my saddle) so I walked a couple miles to stretch my knee. Once we got home I fixed dinner and only ate a little bit.
So when I woke up this morning 139.8 was the lovely number I seen on my scale!!! I am going to work hard to make sure this number does not go up only down. I have a few more sentences to wrote on my report before I turn it in and then I am thinking maybe a jog before I start my day. I am off to catch up with all of you then finish my report then thinking the jog will be nice.
Thank you all for the great comments it is so nice to read them and helps me get though my day.

I WANT

I have been thinking a lot about things I want to accomplish. Here is my list I am sure things are going to be out of order but I can't keep it all in my head any more...

First of all I would love it if at least one diet pill that I have bought would actually do what it claims!!! I spend hundreds of dollars on pills a year and never get any where.

Second I wish all the effing exercises I did would do something for my disgusting body. I work and work and work and get nothing.

Body wise I want
knobby knees
Pointy elbows
sharp as razor shoulder blades
a LARGE gap between my thighs (I am talking you could drive a Mac truck though there)
a flat defined stomach
a neck so small it looks like my head is going to snap right off my body
arms so tiny i can barely carry the gallon of milk to my car for my family
hip bones that can cut my pants if i move to fast.

WHY WHY WHY cant I get this things. I now I had small thighs once before my twins were born cause I try an fit into pants from back then and they once were baggy on me. and my twins will be 8 next month go guess what there is no excuse other than I am weak lazy and gross.

Ok now that I have gotten that out of my head i hope I can move on focus and achieve what I want.

Almost was happy

I swear I am my own worst enemy!!! I was doing to good last week. Woke up yesterday morning and was 141.6 then something snapped. I ate 2 bowls of cereal, a sandwich, 2 hand fulls of tortilla chips. and dinner so can you guess what my weight was this morning??? 143.5 that is right so all my up and down for the week was a grand total of nothing. I started the week at 144.0. So this week I am going to stay strong all the way till the end. I have decided that I am not going to buy my custom until I am at least 139 or lower and have stayed there at least 3 days. that way if I flake out on myself then I have no one to blame but my fat ass for not getting to dress up for halloween!

142.8!!!

So that is my new weight 142.8!!! I am feeling good about it today. I love seeing numbers go down. Zumba DVD is good but I need to find my remote so I can use the menu guide. had to do one part twice cause I couldnt move down that is my mission tonight. next month I think I am ordering another DVD from Zumba I really like zumba lol.

ZUMBA!!!

So my day got a little better my ZUMBA DVD came today I am sssoooo excited to go home I might just do it tonight to get the feel of it lol. Eating wise I have done pretty good had a yogurt parfait from subway and some popcorn to tide over the boredom, it has been so slow at my work lately. I am really trying to figure out how to do Jane Paynes diet and make it work for me OMG if I could see a 2.2 lbs difference in one day I would be so happy i would Pee my pants lol. Ok weighing in tomorrow morning and will write more then. Chin up girls it can only get better right???

Crap!!!

So I work with this Very immature co-worker. I am telling it is like he is one of my children some days, anyways I was reading Janes blog and needed to go to the bathroom so I just clicked her blog behind an email I was working on (you could still see the title at the top of the page) and got up want went to the bathroom. I come back and go to sit down and that freakin jack wagon was hiding under my desk!!! and to make matters worse I dont know if he clicked on her blog or anything. So I am now sitting here a little worried that he seen it and might say something about it. God I try so hard to keep this a secret. and for one to be hiding under my desk like a freaking 5 year old to scare me and they stressing all day that he seen what I was reading my OCD is going to just overwhelm me now. GOD I HATE PEOPLE SOME DAYS!!!

I just had to get that off my chest maybe it will help me cope.

Jane Pansys World.

Jane I am blocked from leaving comments on your page for some reason??? I just wanted you to know how great your pics look. I also tried to leave a comment yesterday but couldnt. Take care and hope I can comments soon. you will be tanning in no time!!!

New scale!!!

Ok I did it I bought a digital scale...really dont know if i like it but I feel better about having it. I must have weighed myself a million times since I got home yesterday lol. I also bought this hip hop exercise DVD at walmart to start getting motivated so when my new zumba tape gets here I am ready. So today is the start of my new month...well yesterday kinda since I went out of town by myself and the only thing I had yesterday was coffee, smokes, gum, and water. I did eat alittle dinner last night. Dinner is hard for me cause my kids always ask  me why I am not eating and since I have two girls that I never want to go though this I try and eat alittle in front of them every night. After all your stomach can only hurt so many times in a week before your husband thinks you should go to the doctor and see whats wrong lol.
So here is my weight on my new scale and my measurements I have really let myself go this year!
Height  5ft 8 inch
Weight 144.0
BMI 21.9
Waist 28 3/4
Thighs L 21 1/4  R 22
Hips 37
Calf L 14 3/4  R 14 1/4
Upper Arms L 10  R 10 1/4
After reading my measurements I can see that I am very oddly shaped??? I will be works hard!!
I am trying to post a pic of my weight on the scale in hopes that having to look at that number helps me stay motivated as soon as it uploads I will edit this post and post it.
I am off to read more of your post and start cleaning my house for the day stay Strong ladies and write more later!

Not hard enough

So far I have pissed this month away...Was doing pretty good till Monday night and since then it has been nothing but a jerky and popcorn binge. I have wanted to purge but have also been fighting horrible tooth ache off and on.
I have been doing alot of research on digestive systems and what not and have bought some Probiotics tablets to help aid in my digestive problems. They were much cheaper than Align or Activia.

I am waiting for my new Zumba workout DVD to get here. I went on quite a shopping spree this week. DVD. @ pairs of really cute pants (to small for me of course) and some shoes. I miss going to zumba so can not wait of my DVD.

I want you all to know that I love seeing that I have followers it really does make live better. And I want to say just cause I was not writing this week dont think I dont care about all of you, I was still reading and concerned.

Write more later.

Sept 1

Sorry I left my measurements home but I weighed 142 lbs today god aint I a winner??? So I put a weight tracker on my blog and have a goal of 12 lbs by Halloween. My girlies and I are going to be Disney princesses this year. I cant decide between Esmeralda or Jasmine but both costumes I found are very skimpy so weight loss is a  MUST!!! I am taking my kids to Kmart this weekend to finish up school shopping and I might just look into a digital scale one that gives ounces also. Does anyone have a fav brand or any other advise?

I just want to tell everyone that have posted a blog about weight loss today CONGRATS you have given me great inspiration for the beginning of the month and for all of you (like me) that do not have any weight loss to report our blog is coming just stay strong. In the lst hour I have gained 2 more followers thanks it means alot REALLY.

Will post my measurement tomorrow stay strong and talk later.

New month New goal New ME

Ok September is just around the corner and this WILL be my month. I fucked around all summer sleeping in not exercising and eating crap and drinking like a fish...NO MORE!!! I have to do something before winter gets here which were I live is just around the corner. I do not get home from work until dark in the winter so I must take action NOW!!!

So here is my plan...My month will be filled with exercising, If I eat it will be healthy food no more crap. I will try not to drink so much (this is going to be my hardest goal). If I am not busy at work I will go some leg lifts squats ect. I will loss weight this month if it kills me!!!

I finally found a red bracelet yesterday, it is weird I wrote about one a while ago and then could not find one anywhere. It is not what I wanted but it will have to do til I find a better one. I will post my measurements and weight on Sept. 1 and keep a log every two weeks. I am serious this time no holding back!!!

ERRO

So had to go to a b-day bbq at friends house last night...Someone will still have to explain to me why everything we do has to revolve around food!!! I mean why can we have a b-day baseball game or back yard football lol... anyways back to my story. I was in my friends bathroom and seen a digital scale I thought great I will try this one cause I just have a crappy old style one. I step on it to get it going wait for it to go its thing and be ready then I step on all the sudden I see "ERRO". I was modified erro what my ass is so fat you can not even read my weight. and to top it off the friends house we were at is not skinny or even slim by any means so if she can get on it I am sure it could handle my ass. I came out of the bathroom and the disgust must have been all over my face. Someone asked me what was wrong and I told them. My friend was like maybe you did something wrong dont worry about it and go try it again....WTF really I need to be humiliated by a scale twice hell no!!!

I have been feeling very "thick" these past few days and that scale did not help at all. I feel grosser than ever.

TMI Sorry

Ok sorry for this blog and I know I have not blogger long enough to ask but I really need to know something.

How many bowel movements do you have a day, week ect. I am lucky and let me capitalize LUCKY to have 3 a week if I have not used anything to give me the three. I have often wondered if I suffer from IBS or something and i have a feeling that is why my weight goes up and down so much. In doing some online research I have read it is normal to have 2-4 a DAY?? What really who is having these. I am going to try some smoothies I found online to see if that helps but I am wondering if I have done some major damage to myself with lax abuse and colon cleanser overdoses that I may never have a regular bowel movement (I would be happy with 1 a day) again. or does the lack of food I put in my body play a bigger part in this?

Again sorry for the question I just do not know how else to ask cause I really try and keep my ED a huge secret

Look forward to your answers thanks again.

Alcohol and Anna

Ok these two are not friends someone is goin to have to leave the party. I dont know why I drink sssooo much any more. I feel so gross when I do and it is probably the reason I have not lost any weight in years. I really dont eat if I know I am going out to drink but then there are times that the party just sneaks up on me and before I know it I have eat and then spent all night drinking.

I have so many mixed emotions lately I am trying to sort though them up really I just push them down or cover them with something else I feel I am going to loss it some day and my loss of control out weights my craziness. god why cant my mind take a break why to i over analyze EVERYTHING. it is exhausting!

BONES!!!

I have spent half the morning looking at thinspo and I have now decided along with my 19 inch thighs that I would give my first born son for (just kidding i love him) I want pointy sharp as razors should blades. the kind that stick out a good 3-6 inches from your back.

I can not believe summer is almost over I really let myself go this year since the lake was to flooded to go to. I usually look much better than this since I spend most of my weekend on the beach. It is very sad. I think I am going to buckle down and work hard and give myself my 19 inch thighs for christmas. for some reason my cant loss weight there they just stay the same gross 21 inches, but I do not care what i have to do i will get it done!

Angrer

I do not know why but for some reason I feel very angry today. I feel like I could just kill someone with my bare hands and do not even know if that would make me feel better. I have a great sense of sadness and loss of control. I hate it when I feel this way I hate myself for feeling this way.

So a week on my new diet pills was a wast of fucking money as usual I can not find anything that helps me loss weight. I spend so much money on these and every time I get the same result NOTHING. Sometimes I think I should just go back to using meth. I was skinny and never tired and did not have to deal with the real world I miss those day really I do.

I hope I get to feeling better cause I just hate the world right now!!!

A few pics of my life

Ok so I am posting 3 pics 2 are of the derby and one is of my real life thinspo my BFF. This pic does not do her justice she is super skinny. I love and hate her all at the same time!! I have blocked out all faces sorry life in a small judgemental town so makes me feel better.

Long time no talk

WOW sorry it has been so long since I wrote I am sure all 3 of my followers were worried lol..Just kidding I am very happy to see the number 3 it is better than 0. So let see I won 1st place in the truck derby if I can figure out how to post pics I will post a few. Last weekend was my hubbys fam reunion it was a camping trip I guess it was ok I dont really get along with alot of his family so I hung out in my camper alot. an hiked with my dog. Weight wise I am just up and down I have got to figure out something. I did buy some Aciaberry 3 pills or something like that will pick them up from the post office tonight and start taking them. I really hope they work some pills I try make me gain weight lol. I have a whole cupboard of half empty diet pill bottles very annoying.
I am off to read all of your new post and catch up.

A day late and a pound to much

So my cousin got back to me and the day she wanted to do the photo shoot I will be at my husband fam reunion DAMN IT!!! She said on her next trip though she would get ahold of me. Oh well I dont take good photos anyways.

On to food gggrrr I swear I like to ruin myself. I was at the store the other night and thought I should buy some yogurt for work, maybe I will keep my ass away from the evil vending machine so I bought a few and on my way to the register I pasted by a bin WOW Twizzlers 2 for $4. I stood there forever looking holding putting it back and guess what the shit ended up in my basket anyways so now for two days I have been eating candy way to buy the yogurt to keep from snackin uh???


My derby truck is almost dont OMG I cant wait alittle scared but should be tons of fun lol. A post I follow mention a bracelet and it got me thinking about when I use to wear a red one. It totally kept me in check like I have to follow some unwritten rules to wear it and be worthy of it. I have to go to the store today for some b-day presents Oh reminds me my fat ass has to have cake tonight gggrrr can not win for losing right ggrrr. sorry got side track anyways bottom line goin to look for a bracelet tonight at te store maybe it will help.

Just wanted to thank the 3 followers I have it is nice to see a number other than ) lol.

Talk later.

Sunflower Seeds and Snow Cones

That is my food for today lol...So I have a simi-distant cousin setting up a family page on FB today I posted a few pics of my fam and I get a message after??? So I go to it she is asking if I will model for her next week for a few photo shoots are you effing kidding me??? I wanted to be a model so bad when I was younger. I am not sure if any of you know the Barbarazon (sp?) handbook of modeling but that was my bible lol...

Dont get to excited for me though my family is not full of super models by any means so really there is probably not much to choice from lol.

So I have set something up for the 3rd or 4th and will starve and work my ass off till then. I still cant even process it fully lol.

Getting Crazy

I dont know why I go though this phases??? I feel like everything is so out of control life school kids ect. when really if I take a long hard look it is no difference than any other time in my life. I hate the word control I swear in the dictionary there is a pic of me losing my mind under that word. I just always feel like I am losing the fight. It feels like a slow painful death.

In other news the derby trucks are almost finished I am so excited about that. I am worried I will die though. Guys are ruthless when a girl enters anything like this I know I have done it before. If any of you are wondering what I am talking about go to youtube and type in truck Derby and just watch. lol...

really nothing else right now just wishing school would start again I hate the chaos that is all around my house during the summer. As far as weight I have not even got on the scale since last week. I have been avoiding it like a puke spot on the floor. (sorry to graphic I know) I feel fat there for I am fat end of discussion!!

Wish I knew what was wrong with me

WOW I just can not shake this completely tiered feeling. and not like I have not gotten enough sleep tired but like it takes ever ounce of strength to hold my head up raise my arms or just breath. I hope it passes soon cause I feel so lazy because of it. Had a pretty good weekend I entered my duramax into a truck and tractor pull took second everyone says pretty good job for doing it wrong lol. then we hit the bar after I just love the social seen really I could be like Paris Hilton and love life lol. Just wanted to tell Maggie thanks for the help and the comments it is nice to get feed back from people.

Another Day

So yesterday I spent most the day watching Supersize vs. Superskinny very productive lol...I will be so glad when school starts again. There will be less chaos and kids running all over my house. Tomorrow I drop my twins off to my grandparents so they came go camping till next Wednesday I am sssooo looking forward to that. Next week I am going to get up earlier and go my running since my blister is healed. My blahs are slowing passing period is almost over thank god. Nothing else really goin on right now.

Overwhemling

OMG I am an emotion wreck these last couple days. my period (or lack there of) is just got me all messed up. I have actually had to work at work this week which is killing me on homework I feel like I need to move at the speed of light but am stuck in tar. I am very lazy this week also instead of getting up with my husband at 4:30 am I have been sleeping till 6 so no exercise which is bothering me also cause I love my exercise time. on a positive note my grandparents are taking the twins camping from Saturday till wednesday so I will only have to deal with my teenagers for a few days really looking forward to that!!!

So as i have said before I am new to the blog thing and have noticed that when I leave a comment on someones blog it says "unknown" if someone could tell me why and what I need to do to fix it I would be very grateful!

Ok well I need to get back t work lots to do I just need a short brake.

Its bad

So I get home last night and my children have turned my husband against me. I have had it with their ling, deceitfulness ect. I am done. I am now the maid cook and laundry service and that is it. I think it has sent my depression deeper also and I feel like crap. I was having major digestive issues last week and gained over 10 lbs due to it. I weighed in this morning and am back to 140 and can not even be happy about that. I have really never been a cutter but last night I had two solutions to my problems either cut my legs and arms till the pain went away or get in my car and drive till i forgot. i did neither. I sat on the back porch crying smoking and drinking beer all night till I could not stand myself and went to bed. I sit feel blah this morning trying to find a mask to wear for work but it is hard. I have nothing else.

Life

Sorry for the crappy title really was not sure what to put. So I made it though another weekend. I hate weekends I have access to all this crappy food and the tv so it is a fight every second of the day to not give in. I did really well this weekend though focused on cleaning my truck. I spend half the day saturday and half the day yesterday washing waxing polishing ect. then of course it rained all night long lol...I am at work now I hate my job well not really my job just where i work if that makes sence. Not much else right now If anything changes I will let you know.

Getting Started

So I was reading a lot of blogs and thought this might be a safe place to post and maybe get some feed back. Until Wednesday I had an ED page on FB but I got deleted, Now this make twice on Myspace and once on FB I was deleted do I really want to keep goin though that??
Not sure were to start. I am 34 just turned 34 last month it was kinda ruff on me actually everything since my 30th b-day has been ruff. I have had issues with eating, depression, drugs, alcohol, relationship, and life in general for as long as I can remember. I dont even do the high weight low weight thing any more it has gone up and down or stayed the same for so long I just take it every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday (those are my mandatory weigh in days) at a time. I generally weigh in everyday up those days count. Crazy bs ED rules anyways.
I have two daughters that I fear with catch this stupid deadly disease from me. I try very hard to hid what i can from them and what i cant hid I try and look like it is normal lol.
Not sure what else to write at the moment. Feel free to ask questions I might answer I might not no guarantee.