I was going to try really hard to post more often well guess i screwed that up uh? Well I am here today. So christmas...well other than I HATE I MEAN HATE holidays I guess it was not too bad other than douche bag farther in laws normal shit. god I hate that man!!! So I have been working hard to try and get all my work and office ready for the new year. I hate doing that also so time consuming.
I have to say I am an awful mom and person in general. last month my sons doctor changed his addrell prescription and it did not go well so I called her and told her I needed the old stuff again. I was sitting there one day and though I should try these. Everyone says they are great for controlling your appetite and guess what they are. so I have one more day left on his wrong prescription and am seriously considering snagging one from his other bottle once in awhile OMG really I am thinking about stealing my sons meds so I can loss more weight jesus freakin christ I am a loser.
I have thought a lot about the counseling thing still and I might just try and lie my way to a cheaper appointment. I have to go something I cant go another year like this it is very damaging to everyone not just myself. I mean I am not sure what the legal side effects to doing this might be but I guess I will cross that brigde when I get there. So in a few weeks I will go get the paperwork I need.
Alrighty well I am off to do more work a 3 day week is so hard to make sure you get everything done. I will try and write again soon but I am not going to write promise lol. Happy Holidays all and hope you all ring in the new year like rock stars!!!
Friday, December 28, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Thanks
Thanks for the kind comments and the great welcome back. It is really good to know there are people in the world that miss you when you are gone and care when you come back. It is funny it is what everyone strives and longs for but it seems to only happen in internet land. I wounder why that is. Are we so busy with our day to day real world lives and we take the fact that if we can see someone they that is enough recognition for them for granted? I think I am going to work on that more. I am going to say I to people even if I see them more than once a day.and maybe even make a good comment or two to them.
So yesterday after I got done writing my post I was sitting at my desk doing some thinking. I was wishing that I was just not so sad all the time. I was wondering why I have become this sad. Nothing major has really happened. I mean lots of stuff in the last few months yea, but I was sad before then and maybe if I wasnt so sad I would have not spiraled out of control so much. So I deiced that instead of wishing and thinking that I would actually take action. I thought I would call our local counselors office and see how much counseling is. I thought that I would pay for a few months up front so that I would not back out on going or just stop doing if it got to bad. I have a habit of doing things like that. So I called the office and asked how much is a counseling session if you do not have insurance, because I do not? The lady on the other end said well we do off of income in you have no insurance, but you will need your whole households income. OK here is were I always get screwed. legally me and the man I refer to on here as "hubby" are not married. I can not get any benefits like insurance or stuff like that but I have to claim him on everything I do??? We own property together ect. So again I asked the lady after hearing this news, so what is the max you charge. She said $120.00 I said $120.00 really she said yes an hour. So here is why I am mad. More than likely I will get charged the max or really close to it because I have to claim hubbies income also can get on his insurance and frankly with the price of everything under the sun going up I do not have an extra $480.00 just lying around a month, so it looks like help is out of the question. and dont get me wrong I dont want something for nothing I just think that if on one hand I have to claim everything about him then I should get insurance and stuff. It is so frustrating I want help I want to get better I want to be happy but again if I try to do something good some evil fores tares me down. I really just want to walk in that office and ask them what the hell is costing so much. I mean you sit in a chair looking at someone for 50-60 mins suggesting different options of life to them right? I mean at least went you go to the dentist and get raped by charges you walk out of there with really good drugs and been on laughing gas the whole time. God why me!!!
So yesterday after I got done writing my post I was sitting at my desk doing some thinking. I was wishing that I was just not so sad all the time. I was wondering why I have become this sad. Nothing major has really happened. I mean lots of stuff in the last few months yea, but I was sad before then and maybe if I wasnt so sad I would have not spiraled out of control so much. So I deiced that instead of wishing and thinking that I would actually take action. I thought I would call our local counselors office and see how much counseling is. I thought that I would pay for a few months up front so that I would not back out on going or just stop doing if it got to bad. I have a habit of doing things like that. So I called the office and asked how much is a counseling session if you do not have insurance, because I do not? The lady on the other end said well we do off of income in you have no insurance, but you will need your whole households income. OK here is were I always get screwed. legally me and the man I refer to on here as "hubby" are not married. I can not get any benefits like insurance or stuff like that but I have to claim him on everything I do??? We own property together ect. So again I asked the lady after hearing this news, so what is the max you charge. She said $120.00 I said $120.00 really she said yes an hour. So here is why I am mad. More than likely I will get charged the max or really close to it because I have to claim hubbies income also can get on his insurance and frankly with the price of everything under the sun going up I do not have an extra $480.00 just lying around a month, so it looks like help is out of the question. and dont get me wrong I dont want something for nothing I just think that if on one hand I have to claim everything about him then I should get insurance and stuff. It is so frustrating I want help I want to get better I want to be happy but again if I try to do something good some evil fores tares me down. I really just want to walk in that office and ask them what the hell is costing so much. I mean you sit in a chair looking at someone for 50-60 mins suggesting different options of life to them right? I mean at least went you go to the dentist and get raped by charges you walk out of there with really good drugs and been on laughing gas the whole time. God why me!!!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
WOW what a year
Hi all,
Thanks for the comments of concerns I received sorry I bailed. I bailed on everything tried to run away from it all. I do not know how I got so lost so fast. I have done a great job for many years keeping a mask of normalizes on but I just could not keep it together this year. I want you all to know that I did get on randomly and check on you all Hey lets face it reading others problems helps you not to deal with your own. I will run though why I left and why it took so long to come back but please I am still very sick and DO NOT need to be judged for what I have done I have to deal with it every day I dont need you to make me feel worse.
So when I left you I was convinced that my husband was in love with a 15 year old. I am still not completely over that but the girl ended up move to her dads in a different state so it has help with my crazy everyone hates me way of thinking and I could try and focus on things clearly. September was a roller coasted One night my husband and I got into a fight I told in that I would leave he asked me where I was going to live I told him where I was going I did not need to pay rent we fought some more and he throw me a gun out of our closet. I have to say I knew the gun was empty because I had just checked it a few days before. He told me if that is what I wanted to do here was a gun to get it over with. I raised the gun to my head and pulled the trigger. even though I knew it was empty and I was going to be fine I was not scared at all it was the weirdest claiming feeling. My husband freaked screaming more telling me I had problems (Well duh fucker) it was bad. After that it really sucked at my house and my husband was a t a loss. later that month I took a box of sleeping pills and 3 bottles of wine to try and end everything. I was found by my husband in a puddle of puck the only thing this did was landed me in a hospital lock down for 2 days. My children thing that i just got really sick and I promised my husband that if he never told them why I was there I promised I would never do that again. I also got 4 free visits to a really shitty consoler yeah me. She basically told me that I was fucked up and really to far gone for any help that any place could ever offer. October came and I was really trying to hold it together. My 14 year old daughter knew I was losing or had lost my mind and she did everything in her power to either upset me or get her dad and I to fight. My husband was hunting one night and my daughter started to teenage drama screaming at me shit and I slapped her. Just once I did not punch her or hit her repeatedly but the next day she went to school and called the cops on me. In the state of Wyoming it is legal to open handly hit your child once and not leave marks which is what happened so I was not convicted of anything. later that month I realized I had not had a period in awhile so I took a test yep just my luck on top of everything else I was pregnant. I freaked. I terminated the pregnancy in the beginning of November. My husband was really there for meat first but after about 3 days I got nothing. I am not sorry for what I did I just wish I would have never had to do it. Then a few days after thanksgiving I received the worst call of my life. My grandparents the people who have raised me helped me and consoled me when I needed it were in a car wreck. While my grandma was not injured to bad my grandpa sustained major head trauma which caused blood to fill in his brain. He was on blood thinners for his heart problems so to fix his bleeding the doctor started thickening his blood. His blood ended up clotting and the bleeding stopped but now we have to worry about strokes and blood clots until we can get his blood thin again. He got pneumonia from all of this also and will need to wear oxygen for the rest of his life now. I am so glad they are ok I think I would die if an
My life is so up and down good and bad. I just cant keep this up. I hate myself my life and everyone that is in it. I try to be happy and thankful and positive but for the last 6 months it seems like if anything starts going right for me something happens and I just fall farther down my deep dark pit of hate. I am so tried of feeling this way I know it is not normal but maybe that consoler was right, maybe I have been so fucked up for so long that this is me this is life deal with it.
I am off to try and catch up will you all hope I can be able to stick around need support from people that understand thanks everyone that read this.
Thanks for the comments of concerns I received sorry I bailed. I bailed on everything tried to run away from it all. I do not know how I got so lost so fast. I have done a great job for many years keeping a mask of normalizes on but I just could not keep it together this year. I want you all to know that I did get on randomly and check on you all Hey lets face it reading others problems helps you not to deal with your own. I will run though why I left and why it took so long to come back but please I am still very sick and DO NOT need to be judged for what I have done I have to deal with it every day I dont need you to make me feel worse.
So when I left you I was convinced that my husband was in love with a 15 year old. I am still not completely over that but the girl ended up move to her dads in a different state so it has help with my crazy everyone hates me way of thinking and I could try and focus on things clearly. September was a roller coasted One night my husband and I got into a fight I told in that I would leave he asked me where I was going to live I told him where I was going I did not need to pay rent we fought some more and he throw me a gun out of our closet. I have to say I knew the gun was empty because I had just checked it a few days before. He told me if that is what I wanted to do here was a gun to get it over with. I raised the gun to my head and pulled the trigger. even though I knew it was empty and I was going to be fine I was not scared at all it was the weirdest claiming feeling. My husband freaked screaming more telling me I had problems (Well duh fucker) it was bad. After that it really sucked at my house and my husband was a t a loss. later that month I took a box of sleeping pills and 3 bottles of wine to try and end everything. I was found by my husband in a puddle of puck the only thing this did was landed me in a hospital lock down for 2 days. My children thing that i just got really sick and I promised my husband that if he never told them why I was there I promised I would never do that again. I also got 4 free visits to a really shitty consoler yeah me. She basically told me that I was fucked up and really to far gone for any help that any place could ever offer. October came and I was really trying to hold it together. My 14 year old daughter knew I was losing or had lost my mind and she did everything in her power to either upset me or get her dad and I to fight. My husband was hunting one night and my daughter started to teenage drama screaming at me shit and I slapped her. Just once I did not punch her or hit her repeatedly but the next day she went to school and called the cops on me. In the state of Wyoming it is legal to open handly hit your child once and not leave marks which is what happened so I was not convicted of anything. later that month I realized I had not had a period in awhile so I took a test yep just my luck on top of everything else I was pregnant. I freaked. I terminated the pregnancy in the beginning of November. My husband was really there for meat first but after about 3 days I got nothing. I am not sorry for what I did I just wish I would have never had to do it. Then a few days after thanksgiving I received the worst call of my life. My grandparents the people who have raised me helped me and consoled me when I needed it were in a car wreck. While my grandma was not injured to bad my grandpa sustained major head trauma which caused blood to fill in his brain. He was on blood thinners for his heart problems so to fix his bleeding the doctor started thickening his blood. His blood ended up clotting and the bleeding stopped but now we have to worry about strokes and blood clots until we can get his blood thin again. He got pneumonia from all of this also and will need to wear oxygen for the rest of his life now. I am so glad they are ok I think I would die if an
My life is so up and down good and bad. I just cant keep this up. I hate myself my life and everyone that is in it. I try to be happy and thankful and positive but for the last 6 months it seems like if anything starts going right for me something happens and I just fall farther down my deep dark pit of hate. I am so tried of feeling this way I know it is not normal but maybe that consoler was right, maybe I have been so fucked up for so long that this is me this is life deal with it.
I am off to try and catch up will you all hope I can be able to stick around need support from people that understand thanks everyone that read this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)