Nothing to say just felt like writting

I really have nothing to writ about I am just procrastinating at work lol. It is the end of the month and in accounting language that is bad lol. I have tons to do but really dont want to do it. Also I need to finish reading my chapter and write my discussion this is the last week of this stupid class thank god. Oh and more wonderful news. I missed the deans list this time you need a 3.50 or better and I have a 3.49 god it just pisses me off that I could be so lazy that I missed it by that much!gggrrrr Personal news my step-son's baby was born on the 29th I was really hopin it would wait till tomorrow but oh well. He is so cute I feel bad that we just found out but my son and the girl are not on the best of terms right now. Hopefully she is out of the hospital by saturday and I can go see him. I dont really do hospitals so dont want to go there. Also I am toying with the thought of not going to my weigh in tomorrow. If I miss it I'm out and there is only two weeks left I just keep thinking to myself if I skip out on a weigh in this week next week I will loss 20 lbs and since I quit I could not win. Ok FYI I know it is impossible to loss 20 lbs in a week I am just writing down the crazy thoughts in my head lol. Ok well probably should be back to work or school one of them.

No Title

So I had a shitty 3 day weekend. It rained sssoooo much oh and snowed yea it was nice. My children were driving me crazy sunday. I exercised down stairs nothing outside though. The baby shower I went to was good. Love hanging with my friends but I just wish they new what their laying did to my self esteem and self worth. I am sure that gaining a lot during your pregnancy is hard but it is also hard on my when your stomach is hanging over your pants oh and your pants are not even done up and you are walking around bragin that you are in a size 7 WTF I am a size 7 and ppplllleeeeaaassseee tell me I look better than you. Ok I am sorry I know she just had a baby less than a month ago and I know that she is like 4-5 inches shorter than me but she has to be a good 20 lbs heavier and in a size 7. Then to top it off my rreeaallyyy skinny we are talking like 5 ft 3 in and 90 lbs friend informs me today she feels fat OMG are people trying to send me over the deep end?? and then tells me her legs hurt so bad from working why the hell is she working out. Fuck I am destined to be the fat friend in our little group forever. I have just been so pissed that I cant be skinny for like 2 days now and to top it off my fat ass has eat 900 cals in trail mix today jesus jack ass no wonder you are fat. I need to figure out WTF my problem is. I am going to the store tonight and buying apples enough so that if I eat at work I only have 2 apples a day and if I eat more that the aloted two then I have nothing else I can eat. I can do this I only have a few days before my b-day (sorry guys I am sure you are sick of this) and i would lllooovvvveeee to see 139 on the scale friday morning!!

Another Wasted Week

I am lost I feel like I am just watching the world though a large window. I am not happy really I am not sad to the point of crying I am just here. I know I need help but without insurance I cant get it. I try and talk to the few friends I have but really they try and help but I dont feel any better after I am done. Hubby and I never talk about things like this well so we have fought enough and I just try to put on a happy face and go about my business, I think I am failing at it though. Weight wise I suck ass as usual!! I am not even going to get into it cause basically it is my fault if I am going to eat and not exerciser then this is what I deserve! I was doing some reading about how quickly calories in food affect your weight and how quickly exercise does too. I really know no more than when I started reading but do to how dead it is here at work it killed time. I did find one articular that pissed me off. http://www.sharecare.com/question/how-do-calories-affect-weight Please See Academy of Nutritions post. Obviously this person have never starved for days exercised their self to the point of near death and work up the next time and weighted more...Yes bitch weight loss is a magic trick and my assistant sucks lol. I have to go to a baby shower/BBQ tomorrow I think I will bypass the food and just drink my dinner. This is what I have been doing a lot lately. I guess if I cant afford a therapist I will self medicate lol. I really have nothing else to say so I am going to go find something at work to make it look like I am busy before I get into trouble. Hope you all have a great weekend!!

Help with new Blogger

I am not even going to talk about my weekend yea that bad ggggrrr So I found a few new blogs I wanted to follow but can't figure out how lol. the follow button is gone from the top of my page can anyone tell me how to follow them now. god why cant people just leave lay outs alone??? or give people the option not to change??? Hope you all had a great weekend.

The weekend ggrrr

It is the weekend. All this means to me is a different kind of work. I need to clean my house do the laundry yard work ect. Why do people look forward to the weekend??? It also means access to the kitchen. I do pretty good most the time but then there are other times I just cant keep my ass out of it. I should be working on a really stupid paper about films for a really stupid class called eng 225: Intro tho Film I have no idea why I have to spend $1200.00 on this class when in no way will it help me get further to my criminal justice degree??? Other than it is a stupid general class that everyone must take...WOW could I have used the word stupid anymore there lol. So there is only one light in my kids bathroom cause the other one burnt out so no pics today I have to go to town later so I will get a few and post tomorrow. My measurements for the last two weeks of year 34 in my life are as followed. I lost my measurement book so I cant tell if I have lost any I was going to look back though my post but I think I have lost like 1/2 in most places. Thigh Left 21 Right 21 Calves Left 14 Right 14 Waist 29 Hips 37 I need to do something about my ass it is huge and flabby. I am thinking by next month we can start goin to the lake and this year I was goin to try and not wear shorts over my bottoms but I think I might end up with them on anyways lol. Ok I think I am goin to try and work on my paper before my kids get up will be on and off here all day looking for more blogs to read have a great saturday all!!!

I think I am crazy lol

Have any of you ever went back though your blog and read your own post??? I did this morning...OMH I am psycho lol. If a sane person was to read these they would be like lock that bitch up and keep her away from us lol. So been doin Jillian Michaels 30 day shred for 5 days now and guess what yep I gained weight are you fucking kidding me I am so sick of this shit!!! ok I am sure my half a PB&J sandwich did not help but I can't help it I love them!!! I woke up late this morning so only had time to exercise did not get my measurements taken but hubby works tomorrow also so I will do it tomorrow. I have 4 weeks left of this stupid weigh in so hopefully I can pull a miracle out of my ass. I think if I fail this one also I will delete this blog and never use the words ED or eating issues again because obviously I do not have any. Sometimes I wish I was overweight again or young because it was much easier to loss then. Not much else goin on hopin someone post something soon so i can read it lol. I will write tomorrow.

What a day

I am so unsure anymore it all started friday night...We went out with some friends and I was talking to this guy that I have known forever anyways we were talking about kids marriage just life in general this b-day thing is really kicking my ass this year. anyways his wife is always going somewhere without him or their boys. She takes "girl" trips to vegas, oregan ect. and I made the comment that I envy her for getting to do that. shit I barely go to the movies with my girl friends cause for some reason it just doesnt feel right to me. and he said why dont you take time for yourself then he asked me who are you. I looked at him for a moment and said I dont know. since I was 17 years old I have been a wife to someone and a mother. thats who I am. He said you need to find yourself because someday your children will be grown and your husband is not a guarantee either. So all weekend I just keep thinking to myself...Who am I. sad thing is I dont know and I dont know how to find myself. It kinda reminded me of the movie run away bride with the egg scene except I dont even know where to start looking. It seems odd to me also that in just a few weeks I will be 35 and really I am a nobody. When do people find themselves how did I miss this what I am now thinking is a very important part of life and how is this goin g to effect me in the future? Is this one reason why I am never happy longer than a few hours? I really should just stop thinking about what he said and put it behind me but I cant. Sorry for my psycho babble it is just really bothering, and maybe I am also bothered because my husband now has never let me feel ok with having a me moment. He does things. He goes hunting, drinking with his buddies I mean really anything he wants to do he does it. why do i feel not ok when I even think about it? I am so lost.

Plan or so I hope

I am such a freak I spend way to much time making this "plans" thinking this will help me and they never do but due to my OCD I always think I need a plan I need to have things drawn out and writen down. So here is my new plan lol From now till at least July Tuesday is an official Fruit and Veggie fast day. Nothing but fruit and veggie. Then on Wednesday it is a coffee and water fast day. I am hoping this will decrees my cal intake enough to see the progress I want to by June. Also starting to morrow is the Jullian Michaels 30 day shed. As far as my weight loss challenge is going well lets just say it is not really going that great up some how I lost another pound I was actually lighter at 12:30 today dressed than I was at 5:30 this morning naked??? I dont know what the hell is goin on but I will take it. Also I want to say Hi and thanks to the few new followers I have gotten. It is nice to hear from you. And to Winter the pants are nothing special actually you will all look at the pic and be like really lady lol. What makes them so special to me is I bought them last year thinking they would fix me. They are destroyer jeans so I cant tug and pull them on you I could rip them where they shouldnt be ripped. I just want to wear them that is all. I hope you all have a great weekend. Stay strong and take care.

Just a Wedmesday???

Nothing new is going on with me. I am still here fat depressed and moody lol. The last word is my husbands definition of me hahaha. He is right though I am a moody bitch I dont mean to be and I even get upset with myself over it. So I am trying to eat small low cal things my new found snack is Blueberry frosted shredded wheat with no milk. I put two cups in a bag and slowly snack on it all day at work I figure that has got to better an chips or crackers. I think on the 17/18 I will take my measurements and some pics just to see what I looked like the last two weeks of 34. I dont know how I am feeling about turning 35 it is just a crazy number to me. I am right in the middle of being old lol...I dont feel old and not that I am any judge but I dont think I look old I just dont know if I want to be 35. I am sorta sick today on the way to work I started to feel like I was going to thow up. I took some diet pills I had found in the cupboard. It is weird how a not forced thow up feels. It has been a while since I had anything like the stomach flu and just found it odd to be over a toilet without a plan...sorry I am sure that makes no sense at all. purging is the worst thing in to world but to be throwing up and not have to induce it is crazy and I was kind of scared cause I was not controlling it. I hate the stomach flu. Oh bouncing around sorry. When I take my pics I will also take a pic of the pants I HOPE to be wearing on June 1 ppppllllleeeeaaaasssseeeee lord just let me squeeze my fat ass into them!! ok well I am off to go stalk tumbler thinspo accounts, maybe someday I will make my own but for now I will just look at all yours lol

New me by 35!!!....or dead lol

Ok just kiddin about the died part but I will be a raging bitch forever and my loved ones will probably plot my death many times lol. So I have a month to be the person I want to be before father time sticks one more notch in the b-day tree. Starting today I will not be mad at the world I will confront who or what is bothering me and take care of it like a normal person. I will no long hold resentment towards hubby I mean shit he cant change the past any more than I can and if I said I forgive you I should mean it or move out and on (which I dont want) and the big one...drum roll please....I will be 130 lbs by my b-day. I want to wear the pants I bought last year that I can not get over the top of my thighs let a lone my ass. My day would be even better if I could get into the pants I purposely bought to small but baby steps right??? So I have 29 days to loss like 13-15 lbs can I do it...Yes I can sorry Bob the Builder flash back lol. No more shoving shit in my face stepping on the scale later and wondering my I gained DDDUUUHHHH fat ass stop eating shit!!! so I am pumped excited and all that jazz. I am not fasting or anything cause usually that leads to a major binge later but my food and all that will be carefully planed out. Today I brought 2 cups of blueberry shredded wheat dry (380 cals) a string cheese (100 cals) I am feeling a bit hungry have not eat the cheese and only had about 5 blueberry things it is almost lunch and I just seen a new salad at Taco time. it is only 226 cals. I think I will go order that at lunch. I will post more and let everyone now how it is goin. Stay strong ladies and talk later.