I hate change

Well it happened to me also...Blogger decided to change my layout too. My do companies do this why cant they just leave shit alone. I mean if they took a survey I think they would realize people HATE change!!! My moods really have not changed I can feel myself slipping further and further from the world. I go though phases like this one minute I am the social butterfly of the town and the next minute I just want to be left alone and not have anything to do with anyone. I am trying to not let myself go there but it is an exhausting emotional battle. Thank you guys for your comments. As for talking to someone no I have no one that would understand and I dont want to tell the people I know about this they will think I am crazy. I have no insurance so a consoler or someone like that is out of the question. I just have been taking long hot baths and crying to myself. I really dont know if that is working or not. Weight wise I have no idea what is going on. I swear my body just hates me and I think I will have to learn to live with that. My new love is tumble. I do not have an account up you can spend hours looking at other peoples post and pics. I have been doing this for 3 days now instead of working I hope I dont get caught lol. I wish my wraps for my thighs would get here it is the only thing keeping me going right now. I am warping my thighs in hopes to tone and firm them. The wraps are called itworks. you can google them at https://38732.myitworks.com I will let you know if they work when I get mine. I really have nothing else so off to read more of your blogs!!

same old shit

I do not know what to do. I can not shake this depressed mood I have been in for awhile. I have no interest in doing anything. I am easily aggravated and that is not working well for my hubby and I. I hate everything and anything and I am to the point I just want to start walking I dont care where I end up I just want to walk myself away from here. I feel very tired lately and almost sick like all the time. I hate feeling like this especially when I cant pin point what the hell is even wrong. I have nothing else to say cause it is just exhausting writing this.
I have a quick question...I think someone blocked me from viewing their blog. It still shows on my page but when I click on it it tells me I do not have permission to view. How do I unfollow her I did not do anything that I know of so dont know what is going on.

If life was any better I would wish I was died.

I am a bottomless pit of emotions right now. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I hate everything and anything. If I could just stay in bed or a hot bath I would. I hate that I am to poor to deal with my depression. I cant afford meds and I cant just sleep it away either. so then I get mean and moody. hateful and full of resentment. RSVP a spot at a pity party for one.

I hate hate hate the hospital. They are garnishing my wages which means 25% of what I make will be going to them for 3 months. Now dont get me wrong I know I have to pay my bill but fuck I didnt pay them for 2 months so that I could pay other bills that I had neglected then I send them my payment for april and 2 days later I get garnishment papers are you fucking kidding me. gggrrr To top it off I will get a huge lecture from my better than thou boss how married into money and does not have to worry about it. I mean shit she bought a lexus and had it paid off in two years. god i am sick of life. i am stick of everything. I work hard and work honestly and this is how i am repaid. frankly i think if a fucking hospital visit was not $500.00 a trip people would not have such a hard time paying them. and it is not like a run to the docs all the time. I even go as far as super gluing my childrens cuts closed first before i take them in. I mean really I have to resort to super glue??? god I am just in such a shitty mood now and do not even want to hear it from my fucking boss.

Morning

I all so after reading Mirandas post I got to thinking about my carb intake and even though I keep my cals low I never put much thought into the carbs, sugar, soduim ect. so logged back into myfitnesspal account and am going to do some tracking for a few days. Good God the creamer in my coffee just kills me. I will need to find something better or lower! About the pic of the shoes. It wouldnt load right. I have been tracking them and they should be here by the 20th. That gives me till the 23rd to get into this pants I have never gotten to wear. Not the ones I was talking about, but another pair I bought last year with the intentions of wearing but apparently a 7 in wet seal brand is not the same as hollister. I will take a pic of the new boots when I can fit into at least one of my "when I am skinny" jeans! So weighing in tomorrow hope I see a good number and can stay there or of course get lower!!

Respond to comments...
Kitty...thanks so much for writing all the time puts a smile on my face. I can not even begin to describe how completely fucked up my family is. I do not know how me, my sis, and one of my bros made it out so normal lol Well we all have our issues but at least we are not all sitting in prison like my other bro. My cousins are all living lies also and then my hubbies family makes my look good hahaha. My kids dont stand a chance lol
Miranda...I just love ya I can relate so much to things you write and you inspire me to work harder I think well hell if she can do it in her 30's then so can I lol
Sunshinechild...LOVE LOVE LOVE the site you posted spent have the morning in there reading and plotting my new attach on my thunder thighs lol
Girl with secret...I know that measurement wise I am holding my own with my friends it just kills me when they say how much they weigh and here I am two ton tina 10 or more lbs higher.

New shoes

I have been stalking these boot for months praying to the shoe gods that they will just get one more pair in for me and today I got some!!! I plan on wearing shorty shorts with them and I bought a really cute pair of destroyer jeans (to small of course) to wear with them so now that they are on their way I need to get my ass in gear and loss these thunder thighs I have!!! I need to buck it up and exercise I dont care if the only time i can find to do it is 10 at night it has got to be done now!! I will post a pic of them below I am sssoooo excited to get them!

Why

Just cause I am the tallest friend in our group why does that mean I also have to be the fattest??? good I make myself sick when I am with my friends!!

Sorry just had to get that random thought out of my head!

It is monday gggrrr

I hate how every monday work comes and interrupts my great weekend god why couldnt I have been born rich instead of so damn good looking lol

This weekend was ok spent saturday cookin dutchoven chicken I have taken that over the last couple years it gets me out of eating and my grandma does not hound me so bad about it. hubby and I are still on...the only word I can think of is weird terms. My sister said she has heard of what we are goin though a lot. The women tries and tries for so many years finally the man is on that level the the women just doesnt care any more and gives up. that sounds about like us but I know I am not really to completely give up just feels like I have tried for so long I just go with it now.

Yesterday was good. I set up my childrens new trampoline, raked the front and back yard and sat in the sun it was great.

Weight wise I lost everything I gained last week. maybe it was all the sunflower seeds I ate last week.

I will write more later.

What eating issues???

Sorry I have not wrote in awhile I am and emotional and mental wreck right now.

Lets see where to start on lets just get this bull shit weigh in challenge out of the way. I think I should just drop out I mean I am weak I have no will power and frankly just destined to be fat for the rest of my days. Weighed in two weeks ago at 145.6 and guess what my fat ass weighed today yep 145.6. I have no one to blame but myself. My sister took 3 of my children this week so all I did was sit at my house and eat chips and drink beer if I was not at work. all i keep thinking is ED my ass.

So this weekend we are having a fam get together cook out thing. My mom will be there. My mom had me at 15 so we really have more of a sister sister relationship rather than a mother daughter one oh and did i mention she is a raging alcoholic. So the more she drinks the more she tries to convince everyone she was a great mother and our childhood was perfect. It just pisses me off because HELLO we were all there sober I think I would remember how it went. I go have to say I am very relieved to hear that my cousin that I HATE will not be coming tomorrow. I hate to be that way but let me give you some insight on her. She has been bulimic for years even went to treatment when we were teenagers. I was baffled by this because she was fat and here I was eating like one yogurt a week weighing maybe 100 lbs and no one cared to help me. anyways after she came back I guess everyone figured she was cured. So when we have this family things she will load tons for food on her plate while I am doing everything I can to not get noticed that I just am not eating and then she runs to the bathroom and spends like 15 minutes in there while my aunt and grandma are still hounding me about what I did not eat. i just want to tell them look people get off my ass if you want to save someone go save the bitch that is throwing up in the bathroom. (sorry if I just offended anyone that was not my intention)
To make matters worse I also have in laws this weekend. I can not stand my father in law he is so immature he acts like he is 5 and thinks he needs to be the center of attention so he acts like a fucking jack ass to get it. hello dip shit no one thinks your funny!! I am going to sit in embarrassment when he is around my family because my grandpa hates people like that.
The hubby and I can not even be in the same room with each other without plotting each others death right now. I really have no idea why either it is awful and I hate it but have no idea how to stop it. my depression has been sky high is last week also so maybe that is why I want to kill him and bury im in the back yard lol (that is marriage humor promise you will not see me on snapped hahaha)
Oh and let me tell you what my OBESE not even joking boss said to me today...He asked we where I was going for lunch (his wife is gone and she usually gets his lunch for him)I told him to the coffee shop like always. He said so you are just going to have coffee and bs with your friends I said yea. Then he said well that must be why you always come back from lunch and eat all afternoon...WTF are you kiddin me. IF IF i eat it is like a small bag of chips from the vending machine or this week I bought a bag of sunflower seeds and have snacked on them. It is not like a bust out a 8 course meal at three o clock and eat it at my desk. Fuck his fat ass!!!
I really should start writing more often so you guys do not have to read an 8 page rant sorry. If you have stuck with this there is 2 hours of your life you will never get back lol and thanks for sticking with it. so I am off to finish writing my 3 page paper about assisted suicide right or wrong for school. only a page to good YEAH ME!!!
take care and I will probably write again sunday and let you all know if I survived this hellish weekend!!!