Monday, July 30, 2012

Holy Hell I am sore!!!

So thanks all for your support on my last post nice to know that others feel the way I do about the situation and I was not complete off my rocker lol. And to winter A I have many of my childrens friends numbers in my phone as does my hubbies just so that if we can not get a hold of our children we have back up numbers to start hunting them down. I have had to take this approach before to locating them. Hubby and I are still walking on egg shells a bit with each other and we are like wild animals with sudden movement (attach and defend at will) not the best but we really are working on it and I this that communication class I am in could not have happened at a better time I am trying to apply what I am learning to better my communication issues which are HUGE lol.

So saturday was our derby and if any of you were following me last year I won this year I did not :( but it was still fun hubby came in 2nd so at least we keep it in the fam. I tried to post the vid on here but couldnt if any one is smarter than me at this feel free to tell me how and I will try lol

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

If just for a moment

Ok I am fucking crazy that is all there is to it. I have been so messed up the last few days I dont even know who I am if you dont have much time or just dont want to read how I complete fuck up reality and made this psycho alternate universe where everyone is against me stop reading now!!!

If you are still with me we need to go back to last week. I believe it was Wednesday. I get home from work and of course my daughter and lets refer to her a C (daughters friend) where being their normal teenage do what I want selves. My hubby told me the neighbors had invited us to go down and drink a few beers with them for a b-day celebration I said great but I told C's mom I would go up and talk to her so let me do that and then we will go. The talk went ok I found out a lot of stuff about C that I thought I could help her work on. learned a lot of stuff I was scared to know but over all it really helped us moms connect a bit more. So went to the b-day party and had a pretty good time until we came home... Got home about 12 I had to work so headed to bed hubby was on his 7 off so he decided he would stay up and hang out this the girls as I laid there in bed wondering what was wrong with me I think something must have snapped in my brain and the craziness began. I started thinking I had been replaced by a younger, skinnier, and prettier model I made up all this thoughts that hurt so bad I cried myself to sleep.
Thursday...So after speaking with me I guess C's mom decided she needed to be sent away. I think it was more than that but I got used as the scape goat in this. C was pissed at me text me all sorts of shit and I trying to be the adult was pointing out how many times she had lied to me alone and if she was doin that to me who else was she lying to??? Then at about 2 in the morning cause I could not sleep cause I again was thinking of unbearable crazy thoughts of my husband and a 15 year old, his phone went off I snuck out of bed to read the text it was from C saying how she was going to miss him and loved him and she would hurry back to be with him and she wanted him to wake her but before he left for work at 5 to tell him good by properly blah blah blah well guess who did not sleep for the rest of the night because she was to busy crying and hating herself to the point of suicidal thoughts YEP ME. And this was really the last day I ate any normal amount of food.
Friday...I made sure to get up at 4 in the morning to prevent my craziness from taking me completely over the edge I checked his phone when he went to the bathroom to see if he had wrote her back. The message was gone so then all day I wondered what he wrote her. I was feeling a bit better cause I thought she would be gone for at least 30 days. I could win him back loss weight and be safe from crazy thought. At 4 my daughter calls me to tell me C and her mom have worked things out and she does not have to go anywhere. I lost it started crying so hard I had to leave my office so no one could see me. That night when I got home my daughter came up to my husband and I and said oh dad I read what you wrote C that was so nice and I know she loves you too. WTF insanity hit over drive at this point. Just to get that bitch out of my house I let my daughter go to this teen dance club with C and some other friend. My daughter told me she was getting a ride home so I did not have to worry about her. So I went to bed around 11-12 on the couch hubby work me up around 3 and I went to bed.
Saturday...I got up before my husband his phone alarm was going off so I got his phone and shut it off. then I seen the text that almost did us in it read as followed
Hubby: Were r u
C: Almost home
Hubby: I am waiting up for you
C: AAWWWWW
holy mother of god really again the tears and suicidal thought rushed into my head I didnt know what the fuck to do. Hubby got up shortly after that looked at me and asked me what was wrong I said nothing (ok this tends to pose a problem in our relationship when I say this and I know it) it dont matter and I would work though my problem. He kept hounding me and I thought are you stupid you are in love with a 15 year old and I am nothing but the house keeper, cook and nanny. I went down stairs ripped my sheets and pillow cases off and throw them away. turned to mattress and sprayed everything I could find with lysoal. The car show was that day. I got the kids and myself ready to head down town. I kinda told him a little of my problem I told him that C's presence was making me crazy and I could not take it any more. he told me to stop being stupid there was nothing wrong and it was all in my head. We took separate cars there and I started drinking at 1 not the best idea. It sucked we barely talked and everyone around us knew something was up. The PBR bull riding started at 7 so I went home we cleaned up and got ready to go to that and shit started to hit the fan there. We composed our self and headed to the PBR. I met up with some friends there talked about what was going on and ask if they would go out with me later because I did not want to be home. Oh and did i mention I was still drinking like there was no tomorrow. By the end of the PBR we were in a full blown fight he said he could not believe I would think he would sleep with a 15 year old and I told him he has given me no reason to think other wise. He walked away and got a ride from my step so. I got home to drop the kids off and shit really hit the fan I told him he could sit here and wait for his precious 15 year old skank to come and have a wonderful night with her our fight moved to the front lawn where we were screaming and the top of our lungs. He took my keys and I told him I would just walk then did not give a shit he went to grab me to stop me from going I fell back (I am sure due to the amount of alcohol I had had) and as I hit my head on the ground I said the worst thing someone could very say I FUCKING HATE YOU I dont hate him I was just so mad by this point it just came out. So started walking to the bar waiting for my friends to come get me C's mom called wanting to know what was going on. Apparently C told her I walked out on my husband and kids earlier that day that she was at my house taking care of my kids and she missed the PBR due to it and would not be home. I told C's mom that I did not walk out on my family that I was just in town with some friends and her daughter did go to the BPR cause I was there and seen her!!! I drank way to much and got home way to late
Sunday...I cried a lot thinking about what I had done and maybe the knock to the head loosened the crazy streak I was heading down. I sleep ok not really but laid in my sons room that night.
Monday...I went to work had to take my son to court that afternoon got home and tried to stay away from my husband. And again cried a lot. That night he came in the room and told me if I hated him that bad that he would build an apartment in his shop and live there I told him no I couldnt and wouldnt live like that. I could not sit here while he went on with his live. I told him deep down i didnt logically think he was sleeping with C but that I felt out of place and not wanted. and how it hurt that it seemed he was always protecting her not me. I headed upstair to sleep on the couch and cry myself to sleep. Then my daughter came in and asked me if her and C could sleep on the trampoline I was upset and exhausted and said I dont care. At about 12:30 my dogs started barking really bad so I got up to see what was the matter. hauler at my daughter to ask her what was going on but she id d not answer from the tramp. I walked over there and found blankets but no girls I was pissed this C had convinced my daughter to sneak out. really could this girl not see what she was doing to my family and now this!!! I went to the couch and laid back down at 1 30 I heard the dogs again thought yet they are home I got them. but no then at 3 I heard the dogs again went outside but still no. So I took their blankets thinking they would have to come in then and i could catch them. I also wrote my husband a note to check the tramp when he got up at 4. He ended up waking me up so I told he what was going on he was pissed!!! I had tried to call my daughter and now he was of course no answer. He told me he did not condone this and it was not going to happen again that C would have to go. now I know this should not have made me as happy as it did but honestly it was in a bad way the awnswers to my prays.
I actually looked forward to goin home last night A weight feels like it has been lifted and hubby and I are working on it. He told our daughter that C was to never spend the night again and would not be over for a very long time if ever. I think I can work on my issues so that if down the line she dose start coming over I can tell my hubby when I start feeling bad about myself. This morning I woke but stepped on the scale and seen 139.8 OMH days of not eating paid off I was so happy i ran upstairs to get my phone to take a pic for you guys must have stuck in to much air cause i stepped on the scale again and it read 140.4 NO I thought oh much be the weight of my phone lol put the phone down stepped on but again it read 140,4. Hopefully by tomorrow I can take the pic. funny thing is I really have not even been hungry. Ok sorry for the extra long psycho babble post. I am thinking maybe I should have wrote some of this down a few days ago and let you all tell me to grow up and stop maybe I would not be trying to fix my relationship now. Ok I have to go back to work now so talk to ya all later.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

LouLou this one is for you

Loulou thanks for the comment and love the name that is what I call my 8 year old daughter hehehe.
I wanted this post to catch you eye and explain myself a bit. I dont want to to take me wrong.
Everyone knows it is horrible no one is saying it isnt but there is a good chance in life that if you suffer from some sort of eating issues and were a huge raging slut as a teenager/young adult you were more than likely molested repeatedly as a kid. We all just know this in our community. I will admit I loved hearing how skinny I was as a teen and I loved making older men look at me. FUCK UP YES!! I dont know why. and honestly some small part of me still loves a good look over from a man married or not.I often wonder if she wasnt molested I am telling you I am staring at a rerun of my childhood looking at her. I have calmed down a lot since this post I come here to vent get things off my chest so that I can handle then better later. My concern for her well being has become over whelming and I will be meeting with her mom this week I dont know how that will go I tend to say things to blut or wrong when I try and help for fingers crossed I dont mess this up.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Very Positive weekend

Hello all I hope you all find yourself well and ready to take on another week remember it is a fresh start to a new plan!! Also thanks everyone for the support with my daughters friend. I am going to assume since her mother gave my husband $60.00 the other day that is our child support and do not see her or her dog going any where any time soon GREAT!!!

So on to more positive things. On Saturday I went to see my sis. Even though we only live about 70 miles from each other we hardly see each other other than our skypeing coffee time lol. So she wanted to take me on this killer hike that she does I was down for it. it turned into a much longer hike when a mommy and baby moose were in the path after we had hiked for about an hour and were almost done so we had to back track and find a new route lol. it was pretty nice thou had great quality time. After we got home she got called into work so I had to leave earlier than planned I was kinda bummed. But since I had nothing but a few cups of coffee before I left and the twins wanted to go to McDonalds to eat (we dont have one in my town) I got a big mac man I love those lol so that and a Rolo Mcflurry and that was it for the day not even a beer cause I was pissed my hubby and his friends were going though an 18 pack a day at our expense. Yesterday I figured I needed to get out and start chopping and stacking the wood that is piling up. My hubby trades mechanic work for wood to heat his shop in the winter. So all day I chopped and stacked wood. did have a few had fulls of Cheetos here and there and had a meatloaf sand on wheat bread last night. I figured I would be ok. This morning I stepped on the scale and seen 142.6 I was so happy since for the last few weeks I have seen 145 or greater. Oh and I got an OLD SCHOOL stair climber of $10.00 that thing is kickin my ass lol. Here is a pic I did not know it had a control panel mine did not maybe I can search for one dont laugh when you see the pic remember I only paid $10.00 lol I hope to keep down down in numbers I do have to say it was a great way to start off my day. Oh and the diet pill of the month is the FULL PILL. I guess you take this pill it expanse in your stomach (safe I know lol) and you feel fuller than you really are. I dont really eat cause I am hungry I eat at work cause I am bored so I am hopin this will work and I will not want to head to the venting machine all the time. Ok so pic below and hope you all had a great weekend.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/archer42/5444438782/in/set-72157625920018319/

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Is it to much to ask

First before I get into my psycho drama filled post I want to tell you all thanks so much for the great comments. They helped me out this morning when I really needed to feel ok about myself. THANK YOU ALL so much!!!

I am so freakin pissed right now. My daughter has a new friend she is 15 almost a year older than her and I really dont like her. she sleeps around and hangs out with much (in their 20s) old boys not for my daughter. She makes me feel very uncomfortable and insucure really not what I need in my own house. I think my main problem is she reminds me of when I was young. I thought I was only good for a piece of ass thanks to the uncle that started molesting me at 5. I think of her as my karmic punishment for making older women feel bad about themselves when I was a teen and for sleeping with their husbands and boyfriends since I was 5. So to top it off I was having my coffee this morning and scrolling though facebook and I see her skanky fucking ass in my swim suit bottoms are you fucking kidding me. you had the balls the nerve to go in my bathroom at my house wear my bottoms next to your nasty fucking over used crock and post a pic of it on facebook. I am just apauled really. so I wrote her a nice little note left it on the table along with the top and told her to enjoy MY suit!!! It is on I will be skinny I will be hot so my husband looks at me and not her. really with the way my life is going I do not need to feel this way about myself right now. And the worst part as if I do not wake up every morning feeling fat and disgusting it is a million times worse now. and I have done nothing but cried since I seen that pic. God I really hate myself!!

Monday, July 9, 2012

I want to look like her at 42

I know I just posted a while ago but was on skinny vs. curvy one of my fav cleb sites of all and they did a piece on Jennifer Aniston OMFG I want to look like her when I am 42. Shit I would love to look like her now!! I posted pics from the articular below.

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Some reverse thinspo to start the week

Sorry I have not posted in awhile I am on here just reading and commenting but really have nothing new or even positive to say so as the saying goes if you dont have nothing nice to say do say anything at all. Man it has been hot were I live up in the 80 I know most of you have just read that and are like WTF really but that is very hot for were I live. We have a huge forest fire about two mountain ranges from my house kinds scarey I check on it like 10 times a day to keep updated. We have a fire ban where we live right now so we did not get to do fireworks on the 4th kinda a bummer. So I finally got to go to the lake yesterday it was amazing I love going to the lake.
So below is a little reverse thinspo for you all. Well I am the other two are some of my skinny hot besties. see what I have to deal with when we go out yep the fat friend that is me in the blue. So if I can very remember to bring my bag of salad from home to work I will try and only eat that. My sister has been doing these shake things and says she has lost like 10 lbs so far I think she has been doing it almost a month. She has not had any solid food the whole time she has been doing this. I am going to go see her saturday so I think I am going to get some for sure I have got to do something and since I think I am to good to exercise starvation seems like I only hope. Well I am off you catch up with all you lovelies!!

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