Just a post

Haven't posted in awhile I have been here reading blogs comment getting excited about all the weight you all are losing but just haven't posted anything myself. I am totally losing my shit for sure. My 14 year old daughter is finding it funny to play me and her dad against each other keep us mad at each other so we really are not talking but the other night we did and we realized god we are fools. So her plan has now back fired on herself and she is left with no friends being allowed over and very little privileges. We have promised each other if we are going to help her grow up right we need to start making sure what she is saying is what is really going on. I can deal with her I hate you and wish you were not my mom texts but when she starts say that her dad has said she could do things that I dont want her to do and visa verse we need to check it out before we get mad and just let her do things. My son got a job but his truck keeps braking it is so stressful and I am just about ready to blow his truck up lol.
Weight wise I am still stuck but I am pretty sure it is due to the large amounts of beer I drink at night just to try and stay sane which Monday night did not work. I total broke down and one of my hubbys friends had to see that OMG I hope I never see that guy again could men dont get that sometimes all there is to do is cry and cry and cry lol. I was planing on going to the lake sunday but do to money issues we can't maybe next weekend I hope.
Thanks for all the advise on my computer. Kitty I am not computer smart the new hard drive cost me $50.00 then 2 hours of labor at $80.00 per hour so total bill $220.00 a new computer would not have been cheaper. I paid $500.00 for that laptop last year. but it is pretty close lol. I downloaded a 60 free trail to office 2010 but will definitely go check out that other program!! As for my dream job or at least what I am spending an ass load of money on is a juvenile probation officer. My childhood sucked. I was sent away to girls homes and stuff so I want to help children who grow up like me. I was not a bad kid just needed some guidance that I did not get. I think with my history and mounts of past problems i would make a pretty good one I hope.after 21/2 more years of college we will see.

The whole I cant control or fix everything thought is not working for me. I am a control and that is all there is to it. lol
ok I am off to read more blogs just wanted to stop by and say HI.

I'm trrying

I am trying a lot of things. Fristly I am trying not to dwell on the number i seen on the scale today and trying to focus more on how my pants are fitting today. The scale said 145.6 but these pants are loser than they were last week. I am trying to not hope of a miracal with the pills I bought last week. I am feeling better and they are pretty healthy so if nothing else I am at least getting vitamins in me. I am trying not to eat when I am bord at work this is very hard for me. I need a different job lol. I am trying to take it easier when things do not go according to plan and in my life this is always my husband says I am going die of a heart attach before I am 40 at the rate I am goin. I am trying to remember that my son is only 17 and needs to enjoy life while working this summer and not to put so much stress on him to be donald trump by the end of the summer.

Ok switching gears. My computer should be home soon. did you know hard drives just fail?? It was nothing anyone did it just failed. 3 weeks after my warranty was up lol. See day late and dollar short every time hahah. So total bill to get fixed is $210.00 plus is I can not get a hold of the company I bought my office 2010 program from I will have to buy a new program cause I can not find the email with the product key ANYWHERE. This is driving me crazy!!
Hope you ladies have a great day!!

Monday???

Oh lord how I love Mondays NOT. I hate going back to work after the weekend. I hate dealing with idiots I just hate it all. So I started jogging last firday as of this morning I have cut 10 minutes off my run. The good thing is I am able to run more of it but the bad thing is it is not long enough now and will have to find a new routine. Still refraining from weighting well i unofficially weighted Saturday just could not take it. Dow 2 lbs from Tuesdays weigh. I was so proud of myself saturday. I was able to stay busy with washing my truck, yard work and helping the kids "worm" I forgot to eat. at 5:30 it dawned on me that I had not ate all day did a little happy dance in my head...but then I sssooo made up for it yesterday. I a weak and nasty. Started with my coffee then went on my job. Needed to fold clothes so while doing that I decided to grab some dry shredded mini wheats. ate them. then before my hike yesterday with the twins I made tuna fish sandwiches and ate 1 1/2 of them. Then after our hike we had some frozen yogurt and came home finished dinner and ate that. (Pork Roast and rice a roni) Then later after I put the kids to bed I was craving something sweet and since I do not keep cookies or candy around I headed for my next best thing. PB&J only have 1/2 of one of those. then I said enough is enough. was pissed at myself and went to bed so I could not eat anything else. GOD my do I do this:???

Oh and Winter about your comment unfortunately my hubby was home the day someone crashed the computer bad think is I think my 8 year old daughter is more responsible than him. sad I know. lol

Thought I would stop by and say hi no computer at home

OMH We are only a week into summer vacation and I am sssooo ready for my children to go back to school. I am a scheduler, planner, and commander of peace and my children are free spirited, at will people this is not working for me. And like my title says I have no computer wanta know why?? Cause on tuesday I dont know and it wasnt me crashed my hard drive. I got home after work and there were like 15 freakin kids at my house. I will need to tell my children we are not the local hang out joint!! anyways some how some one crashed my computer. The local internet/cell phone company here is fixing it but lord knows when I will get it back and this has messed my schooling all up. I am trying to complete everything at work which is hard when you have a 3 page paper due Monday.
Weight wise I have no idea were I am at. I have refrained from weighing since Tuesday cause for those Raspberry diet pills I am taking. I figured if I wanted I would see better results and not be so upset when nothing was happening. I did a run this morning it was very nice. I need to start waking up early and doin one every day no excesses!! Tomorrow is suppose to be really nice here so I think I will lay out and get some sun. I can log on to blogger with my phone to keep tabs on all you fine ladies but hate typing on my phone so if I dont leave a comment it doesnt mean I am not reading. Talk to ya all Monday hope you have a great weekend!!!

Updates, Welcome New Followers, and Asnwer a few questions

So an update. my weight is stuck at 145 lbs even with the binge and purge the other day I am just stuck. I am not going to sit here and whine cause frankly it is my fault. I am getting very lazy I use the excuses I dont have time or I am to tired to wake up that early. well fat ass if you are not going to do anything about it do not bitch...that is my theory on life!! I did skip out on my last weigh in I just could not do it. I am so week and nasty right now I am going to have to start doing something though cause I am hating myself more and more every time I step on the scale. I again ordered pills. I dont know why I do this. I am such a loser when it comes to diet pills. When I was at my heaviest I had great success with green tea tablets, but now they cause bad kidney and bladder infections when I take them. But these are recommended by Dr. Oz...Raspberry Ketones. Hope they do something for me. They are at the post office now so cant wait till lunch to go get them!!

Camping went well...Ok as well as expected with my 14 year old daughter that hates me. she is not afraid to show it either. I basically just stayed in the camper away from her. I was thinking to myself yesterday Damn I wish I had a book. I am not a reader. Just never have time to fit it in (OMH here I go again lol. But I spent a lot of time alone this weekend and a book would have been great. I went on a few small walks but the wind blow the whole time and it was really cold out most the time. Hoping to get at least two more trips in before school starts again. Speaking of school I passed my stupid Intro to Film class with a 89% I am actually ok with that grade cause the instructor graded pretty had. On to a new 5 weeks of Phi 103 so far I think I will do ok in that class but the first weeks grades are not posted yet so we well see if this instructor grades hard.

Finally hello new followers. and to answer a few questions
Me Desruet...I stopped using Meth in the fall of 2006. We lost our house and thought maybe I should pull my head out of my ass before I lost everything else too. That is when I started gaining again. In Oct 2006 I was about 110 in April 2007 I was almost 170 lbs it was discussing!! I did not have an FB at this time. Not sure why it got deleted, it was my ED one. Not sure if I just got picked on the scan. I am not really sad I have been blogging for almost a year now and love it here. I look forward to reading what you guys have wrote every day.
Katie Elizabeth...Hope the weekend treated you well I have not gone to read your blog yet but headed there shortly. I would think I was pregnant if it was a constant bloat. It comes and goes and since I have been pregnant a few times before unfortunately your belly is there to stay for a while lol. Thanks for the laugh though.

Ok Off to catch up have to start clear back on Friday afternoon so a lot of reading to do. Take care ladies and Thanks so much to all of you for your comments, words of wisdom and letting me know you are there!!

***TRIGGER POST**embrassing the B&P

So for some reason today I felt like I was starving and needing tons of nicotine??? IDK. I tried to fight it. Had an apple, a string cheese and an otter pop but still the urge to just eat like there was no tomorrow was over whelming so I gave in. At lunch I jumped into my truck and hauled ass to Maverik. While there I bought the following items
1 Bahama Mama (this is a very large hot dog
Bun
Mayo/Ketchup
Sauerkraut
Relish
1 Large sugar cookie with pink frosting
1 Large Cranberry and Walnut cookie
1 King size peanut butter twix
1 King size bag of peanut butter M&M
1 Snack size bag of chili cheese Fritos.
1 Bottle of water
Grand total $11.84

I drove to the park up the street and started my eating fest I got the hot dog down and started feeling full, pushed though to the sugar cookie and that was it had to call it good. rushed back to work and headed straight for the bathroom. I am sure we all know what happened next. So clocked back in started working. Then later the crap that I still had left from the store was calling my name so I then had the cranberry walnut cookie and the king size twix. and then again headed to the bathroom. I am glad I did not polish all that food off at once but then again I hate myself for giving in to the binge to begin with. I remember 10 years ago this would not have even crossed my mind. When I was a drug addict I was so cheap when it came to buying anything but drugs I would have never spent that money on a binge. I hate that I use MIA as a back up plan also. I have got to break this cycle of eating and purging eating and purging. I can't even call it a binge really cause I dont eat that much in one sitting.
I suck and cant wait to see what the scale says tomorrow.

I thought it was friday

Damn there is nothing like ruining your friday by realizing it is only wednesday lol...I am really looking forward to this weekend. I am going camping. I love camping. No phones no tv my kids can not fight over the laptop because we dont have it lol. Nothing just relaxation, 4-wheeling and fresh air. I am nice a kid waiting for christmas and to top it off I LOVE my camper. we bought it last year it is so homey feeling and I love the inside. I randomly go sit in it to escape from life lol...I know I am weird. So weight challenge ends this week I am going to skip out on the last weigh in i have lost nothing and dont want to have to look at that shit. I am starting to worry actually. For the last few days I have felt very full even when I really do not eat anything. and if I do eat my stomach bloats up so much I have to unbutton my pants and I look VERY pregnant. I think I might look into glutton free food I have been looking on the internet and this seems like something I should try first. Today is going so slow and all I want to do is smoke and eat lol. I can't do either and I think it is making it worse. I think I need to look into some kind of vitamin also cause I just feel so blah and tired. Ok I better get back to work. Talk to ya all later.

**Waring HUGE RANT might not want to read**

Just to start I will be whining bitching and moaning so if you do not want to read feel free to leave I will never know lol...

Ok I have never been one to make a big deal out of my b-day. I do not start a month early dropping hints to everyone I know. My co-works have no idea. I dont even have it showing on FB. I just dont care. I dont want gifts if I want things I just buy them myself. I know I will get a present from my grandma. My sister always buys me something very nice that I know she really couldnt afford, (makes me feel even worse) and a call. and my mom usually calls that day or within the week depending on if she forgets. This is fine with me. it is how it has been for years and it works. My hubby is not good with dates and bdays I know this. and again I am fine with it. I tend to secretly make plans with myself just to have my own special day. This year it was going to be Italian chicken and rice pilofe for dinner. My BKEs were to arrive from ebay and a lllooonnnnggg hot bath to end the day.

I need to start on thursday night cause this is were it all started. Like I posted my steps sons baby was born and I only got to see him for a few minutes on thursday night before I was going to get in trouble with the babysitter for being to late, so I planed on running home cooking dinner really quick and grabbing the grandpa so we could run back up there. Well since my hubby thinks his friends are the most important thing he has we never made it to see the babe. He went to the bar and was very insistent I do not go. This got my paranoia running wild and I ended up at the bar about an hour after he left. Nothing really bad but just some small what I would call flirting (he disagreed) with a really ugly chick he works with. I leave the bar at 12 cause I had to work friday and guess what time he got home 4am a freaking clock??? FYI our bars close at 2 am. I was not all that freaking happy he has been doing this a lot lately and I am trying really hard not to read into it.
So at around 10ish friday morning he called me at work to wish me a happy bday I was very short with him due to what time he got home. hung up the phone and started feeling bad about the call. I mean after all he did remember to call right?? So I text me that i was sorry and thanked him for the bday wish. Later that day I got a text from him telling me he was going to take me to dinner and we were going to go see the baby. I was very excited usually I make the plans and he just goes along. I decided to order the kids pizza no scene in cooking for them and then going out. I got home a little before 6 walked around the shop and yard looking for him ( both his trucks were there) but he was not home. No biggy I thought to myself I will just start getting ready it takes me longer than him any ways. As I walked in the house I grabbed a beer and my brother was calling so I started talking to him. He was at my moms so she told me happy b-day on time for the first time in years lol. So talked to them for like 45 minutes, when I got off I wanted to try on my new pants. Now mind you these pants were a present to myself they were suppose to fit! when I searched for them I typed in my size not the size I want to be, not my skinny day size MY SIZE. so I head to my daughters room lazy and dont want to go down stair I attempted to put them on. it took forever to get them to my hips and there was no way on gods green earth they were going any farther. I started to feel like shit OMG what the hell I bought 29's my 28's are tight but they fit. So I prey them off of me and look at the tag 25's??? WTF I thought for sure they had just sent the wrong size i got on ebay to look the post over. NO the dumb bitch decided she knew more than the BKE company used a tape measure to size the jeans. In her defense she did post this stupid statement at the end of her sale page. So getting a little pissed due to no hubby and it is after 7:30 and nothing to wear now I grab another beer (I might have actually been on 3 or 4 at this time not sure). Phone rings again it is my sis I needed to vent a bit so I answered it. talking cry yelling and drinking I finally hear a car pull by yep it is my hubby and hey it is only 8:30 at night now. Oh and I had a lot to drink by this point. he walks onto the back porch and ask if I am ready. I told him that I was not going. I was a little mad a lot drunk and not going. he told me he was working and that I was being a bitch that he had to run up the road and be back later I told him fine. So since everything else was going wrong in my day I decided to salvage it with the lllooonnnggg hot bath i planed for myself. FYI when you are already drunk DO NOT sit in a bath full of water that is at least 100 degrees and drink 2 more beers. lol So after my bath I decided to get a few things off my chest.

Here is a little foreshadowing... My hubby has remembered my bday 3 times in 16 years. The first time...First year we were dating. My friends and I planed a big party/fire out in a field close to our house hubby got mad at me for something not sure just now we were fighting. He went around to all our friends and any one he thought I had invited and told them the party had been moved. needless to say no one came to the house everyone believed him, Second time...We live in a small town not a lot of restaurants and things dont stay open to late. He again was going to take me to dinner but something (cant really remember what) happened and we got all dressed up and ended up eating at the drive end in the car. and this time was the third and if you are still with me well you know how this one ended.

So after my bath I headed up stairs and I just laid into him. I told him he was free and clear of ever having anything to do with my bday ever again. I did not even what to hear those words out of his mouth. I also told him that if he was out working with someone fine but I figured I deserved a text or call letting me know that (he claims he told me the day before). I got a few other things off my chest, we yelled, talked I cried a lot which I hardly ever do must have been all the beer lol. We went to bed. I am a bit better now still really hurt that I let myself get excited for my bday and then let myself get hurt because of it. I dont hate him just hurt. As far as the pants go I gave them to my daughter and I had Italian chicken Saturday night.

If you read all the way though this thanks and sorry it was so long. I will post later.