WOW what a year

Hi all,
Thanks for the comments of concerns I received sorry I bailed. I bailed on everything tried to run away from it all. I do not know how I got so lost so fast. I have done a great job for many years keeping a mask of normalizes on but I just could not keep it together this year. I want you all to know that I did get on randomly and check on you all Hey lets face it reading others problems helps you not to deal with your own. I will run though why I left and why it took so long to come back but please I am still very sick and DO NOT need to be judged for what I have done I have to deal with it every day I dont need you to make me feel worse.

So when I left you I was convinced that my husband was in love with a 15 year old. I am still not completely over that but the girl ended up move to her dads in a different state so it has help with my crazy everyone hates me way of thinking and I could try and focus on things clearly. September was a roller coasted One night my husband and I got into a fight I told in that I would leave he asked me where I was going to live I told him where I was going I did not need to pay rent we fought some more and he throw me a gun out of our closet. I have to say I knew the gun was empty because I had just checked it a few days before. He told me if that is what I wanted to do here was a gun to get it over with. I raised the gun to my head and pulled the trigger. even though I knew it was empty and I was going to be fine I was not scared at all it was the weirdest claiming feeling. My husband freaked screaming more telling me I had problems (Well duh fucker) it was bad. After that it really sucked at my house and my husband was a t a loss. later that month I took a box of sleeping pills and 3 bottles of wine to try and end everything. I was found by my husband in a puddle of puck the only thing this did was landed me in a hospital lock down for 2 days. My children thing that i just got really sick and I promised my husband that if he never told them why I was there I promised I would never do that again. I also got 4 free visits to a really shitty consoler yeah me. She basically told me that I was fucked up and really to far gone for any help that any place could ever offer. October came and I was really trying to hold it together. My 14 year old daughter knew I was losing or had lost my mind and she did everything in her power to either upset me or get her dad and I to fight. My husband was hunting one night and my daughter started to teenage drama screaming at me shit and I slapped her. Just once I did not punch her or hit her repeatedly but the next day she went to school and called the cops on me. In the state of Wyoming it is legal to open handly hit your child once and not leave marks which is what happened so I was not convicted of anything. later that month I realized I had not had a period in awhile so I took a test yep just my luck on top of everything else I was pregnant. I freaked. I terminated the pregnancy in the beginning of November. My husband was really there for meat first but after about 3 days I got nothing. I am not sorry for what I did I just wish I would have never had to do it. Then a few days after thanksgiving I received the worst call of my life. My grandparents the people who have raised me helped me and consoled me when I needed it were in a car wreck. While my grandma was not injured to bad my grandpa sustained major head trauma which caused blood to fill in his brain. He was on blood thinners for his heart problems so to fix his bleeding the doctor started thickening his blood. His blood ended up clotting and the bleeding stopped but now we have to worry about strokes and blood clots until we can get his blood thin again. He got pneumonia from all of this also and will need to wear oxygen for the rest of his life now. I am so glad they are ok I think I would die if an
My life is so up and down good and bad. I just cant keep this up. I hate myself my life and everyone that is in it. I try to be happy and thankful and positive but for the last 6 months it seems like if anything starts going right for me something happens and I just fall farther down my deep dark pit of hate. I am so tried of feeling this way I know it is not normal but maybe that consoler was right, maybe I have been so fucked up for so long that this is me this is life deal with it.
I am off to try and catch up will you all hope I can be able to stick around need support from people that understand thanks everyone that read this.