So I am back vegas sucked ass. It was so cold the wind was blowing so hard all the time. Stupid me did not pack clothes for it so I had to buy some while I was there. We had lots of fun at the wax museum and the body excibite was CRAZY and we got to get away and spend so time with each other so I guess that was the high light since the weather wasnt. I ate so much and drank twice as much while we were there and ever since I have been back I feel so hungry and end up eatting a ton. this mornign I was 149.2 WTF when I left I was 142.3 god I am so gross!!!
So I have a little bit of money coming back from my excess school funds and I am going to do this boot camp thing that is done by a female body builder that lives here. It starts May 20th. It cost $200.00 and last 5 weeks but I am really excited I know a few people that have had amazing results and took away awesome exercises that helps them maintain their weight loss if they stick with it and for $200.00 you can bet your sweet ass I will be! Today I made me a circuit training work out I have to do something with myself so we will try this. I have about 4 pairs for pants that I have purposely bought to small over the last year thinking that would give me incentive to get skinny so I have told myself that if they do not fit by the end of this boot camp thing in the middle of june I will sell them and just face the facts that I am fat and will probably remain that way till I die. Not much else is going on I am way busy at work since I missed 4 days last week so I better get back to work just want to say hi. :) talk to ya all later!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
Lots to do no time to do them and I am still fat
lol wow I leave Monday. I can not decide what to pack and I hate not having things done early. I still have to do my homework for next week so all i will have to do is post it when I get home thursday and instead I am here and on FB playing guess my word lol. The weather has changed alot since I booked our trip and it looks like laying pool side in 90 degree weather is out just my luck but on the other hand it will be 40 degrees warm than where I live so I think I can still manage some pool time!
Yesterday I had a huge binge fest I made myself sick it was so bad. but could never find time or privacy to purge so I took 4 colon cleansing tablets and am hoping for the best. God I still have tons of laundry, house cleaning, packing for me and my children, one more tan session, and school work to do all by 8:00 monday morning. Ok I am off to do something productive probably write more later.
Yesterday I had a huge binge fest I made myself sick it was so bad. but could never find time or privacy to purge so I took 4 colon cleansing tablets and am hoping for the best. God I still have tons of laundry, house cleaning, packing for me and my children, one more tan session, and school work to do all by 8:00 monday morning. Ok I am off to do something productive probably write more later.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
P!nk - Just Give Me A Reason ft. Nate Ruess
I love Pink. I swear she has a window to my world and releases songs at just the right moment for me lol. I know stupid thought but I really do love all of her songs!! I have heard this song every time I have gotten in my truck today. I am in love with the lyrics and swear this could be written for me and my hubby. I love the line I'm not broken just bent. I will tell myself this from now on! you can straighten bent but there is always a crack in broken.
Have to ask
Is anyone else having trouble seeing the Blogs they are following? It is really starting to piss me off. I hated this new lay out the first time found a way to change it and then they fixed it so we all had to have it again. I really hate change (unless it is my weight going down lol) and then when the change doesnt work right it really makes it worse. Am I doing something wrong is it just me? HELP lol
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Why cant I just get it
I consider myself a some what bright intelligent person. I have my issues but over all I think I get it in the brains department so WHY is the number on the scale my unicorn. I mean when I buy clothes I am not shopping in the plus size section. depending on the store (which really gets to me lol) I wear a 28-29 or 3-7. I know I will never be a size zero I do not even have that size as a goal. mine is all about the number on the scale I see 140 anything and feel like the Pillsbury dough boy. Me and my 14 year old daughter wear almost the same size in pants. she is just a little smaller than me and in shirts since she was gifted with boobs from where i dont know lol. I wear a smaller shirt than her. I do not think she is fat in any way so why do I see myself as fat. huge jumbo thunder thighs that shake the ground when I walk?? Also I hate myself almost every morning, the night before I will have these big plans to exercise for a certain amount of time. I plan the work out then my alarm goes off at 4:30 and some days if I do get up it is after I have hit snooze 3 or 4 times so then I have to cut my work out short and I bitch at myself all day for not getting my fat lazy ass up and working on fixing my problem I would rather lay there and collect more fat cells. I try and reason some sense into myself but I still end up with the same conclusion all the time. Then I wonder what is it that I want exactly. What weight what size what measurements would make me happy. and for being 5 ft 8 inch 35 years old with 3 full term pregnancies (one was twins) I cant except to look like a VS model can I.. Sorry for my babble I just am sick of this thoughts that I can not make any sense of and I should be able to.
I know we all have these crazy thoughts about perfection what do you do to suppress them or work though them
I know we all have these crazy thoughts about perfection what do you do to suppress them or work though them
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Hello Again and Happy Easter
WOW two months have gone by again. I did get on here a while ago but got caught up in superskinny vs supersize (lol thanks kate) and other you tube post and before I knew it I had to get some work done so had to log out. Lets do an update.
So filed my taxes on the 15th just like every student was suppose to and I used H&R Block well after 17 years that will never happen again. I was one of the thousands that got their returns messed up and it too eight weeks to get it. I was really stressed and pissed by the time I got it. One of my New Years Resolutions was to start counseling again. I was actually pretty excited thought I would get the help I needed and thought maybe after 35 years of being messed up I could see that I did not need to live like this. So the only counselor that was available was a young just out of school girl. My first session started with her telling me my rights as a patient her responsibilities as a counselor basically everything the lady at the front desk did just took her longer. Then we did a brief and when i say brief I mean brief history. I was not an open book maybe I should have been but hey that is one of my issues. So I think we maybe got to age 12-13 and of course I was not going into great detail as it was. When I left I was a little disappointed but thought this will get better as time goes. We will have more time next week and things will start looking up. So next week came and all the sudden she wanted to start doing all these emotion exercise and stuff, i thought hey slow down you still know nothing about my life you never asked me if I was ever on drugs or if I had ever been molested and if so how many times. (not that I would have told her everything anyways). How can you help someone if you know nothing about them??? Maybe part of it was my fault maybe I should have let my walls down and just let it out but I cant. So that session was my last. I hate myself for not going but I just felt like I was not a classic text book case and she would have never gotten it.
My life is still full of ups and downs. We are trying to remold our house it is all tore apart and we are doing nothing to put it back together it is driving me crazy. Hubby and I are our usual selves we look like the perfect couple but behind closed doors it is another story. and I swear he just keeps pushing my buttons to see how much I can take before I break and I have broke often.
A positive note my oldest son graduated from high school last thursday. he is the first one out of 3 older kids to do this I am very proud of him!! My step son is still sitting in county jail waiting to go to prison it is really stressing him out and he calls his dad crying all the time. it is hard because there is nothing we can do for him. no amount of money will save him. it is hard to deal with.
It is time for hubby and my annual trip he picked vegas again. So we are going on the 15th of April and since it will be really warm I choice to stay at the Hard Rock for their pools. I am not very savoy on the lay out and the more research I do the more I think we screwed ourselves and stuck us in the middle of nowhere. I will hear about that forever now. So I have been trying to get my bikini body on and I can not get below 140 why why cant I since my twins have been born I have never been able to do this it drives me freakin crazy!!! I still have 15 days to work my ass off so maybe who knows. I will not be as tan as I would like also cause I did not realize how seen our trip was when I bought my package. days just go to fast for me.
School is still going ok I am in a lot of my criminal justice classes now and am really liking them. I just hope that someday I can find a job where this schooling pays off.
My twins have been up since 6 am to see their baskets and look for eggs they are now bored and jacked up on candy and hard boiled eggs lol. I think I am going to lock myself in my bathroom take a long hot bath and hope they do not kill each other hahaha. Happy easter all I will check in more and need to catch up on more blogs. Wish you all the best today!
So filed my taxes on the 15th just like every student was suppose to and I used H&R Block well after 17 years that will never happen again. I was one of the thousands that got their returns messed up and it too eight weeks to get it. I was really stressed and pissed by the time I got it. One of my New Years Resolutions was to start counseling again. I was actually pretty excited thought I would get the help I needed and thought maybe after 35 years of being messed up I could see that I did not need to live like this. So the only counselor that was available was a young just out of school girl. My first session started with her telling me my rights as a patient her responsibilities as a counselor basically everything the lady at the front desk did just took her longer. Then we did a brief and when i say brief I mean brief history. I was not an open book maybe I should have been but hey that is one of my issues. So I think we maybe got to age 12-13 and of course I was not going into great detail as it was. When I left I was a little disappointed but thought this will get better as time goes. We will have more time next week and things will start looking up. So next week came and all the sudden she wanted to start doing all these emotion exercise and stuff, i thought hey slow down you still know nothing about my life you never asked me if I was ever on drugs or if I had ever been molested and if so how many times. (not that I would have told her everything anyways). How can you help someone if you know nothing about them??? Maybe part of it was my fault maybe I should have let my walls down and just let it out but I cant. So that session was my last. I hate myself for not going but I just felt like I was not a classic text book case and she would have never gotten it.
My life is still full of ups and downs. We are trying to remold our house it is all tore apart and we are doing nothing to put it back together it is driving me crazy. Hubby and I are our usual selves we look like the perfect couple but behind closed doors it is another story. and I swear he just keeps pushing my buttons to see how much I can take before I break and I have broke often.
A positive note my oldest son graduated from high school last thursday. he is the first one out of 3 older kids to do this I am very proud of him!! My step son is still sitting in county jail waiting to go to prison it is really stressing him out and he calls his dad crying all the time. it is hard because there is nothing we can do for him. no amount of money will save him. it is hard to deal with.
It is time for hubby and my annual trip he picked vegas again. So we are going on the 15th of April and since it will be really warm I choice to stay at the Hard Rock for their pools. I am not very savoy on the lay out and the more research I do the more I think we screwed ourselves and stuck us in the middle of nowhere. I will hear about that forever now. So I have been trying to get my bikini body on and I can not get below 140 why why cant I since my twins have been born I have never been able to do this it drives me freakin crazy!!! I still have 15 days to work my ass off so maybe who knows. I will not be as tan as I would like also cause I did not realize how seen our trip was when I bought my package. days just go to fast for me.
School is still going ok I am in a lot of my criminal justice classes now and am really liking them. I just hope that someday I can find a job where this schooling pays off.
My twins have been up since 6 am to see their baskets and look for eggs they are now bored and jacked up on candy and hard boiled eggs lol. I think I am going to lock myself in my bathroom take a long hot bath and hope they do not kill each other hahaha. Happy easter all I will check in more and need to catch up on more blogs. Wish you all the best today!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Where the hell did this P&B fest come from
Sorry this might be very triggering read with coution.
I am completely embarrassed with myself right now. I was going to go to the store for some rice cakes and maybe a small plate of fruit or veggies for lunch. And for some reason I bought sweet and sour pork and 2 egg rolls, a LARGE brownie from the bakery, a bag of rice cakes, and have managed to eat it all and then throw it all up. I hate when I do this. I cant stand to have the food in my stomach it reminds me how truly week I am. Now my throat and stomach hurt so bad and I just want to go home. When I get home I will be taking 3 colon cleaning tablets to help with the major fuck up I did today good god I am discussing!! I was not even rally hungry so I have no idea why I thought I needed to do this. I hate that once I start eating I cant stop sometimes. :(
I wanted to share this with you all. I am still researching EDNOS fact or fiction. Sometimes I just dont get it but the What Not to Say to Someone with an ED is pretty good.
http://christianelaird.hubpages.com/hub/What-NOT-to-Say-to-Someone-with-an-Eating-Disorder
I am completely embarrassed with myself right now. I was going to go to the store for some rice cakes and maybe a small plate of fruit or veggies for lunch. And for some reason I bought sweet and sour pork and 2 egg rolls, a LARGE brownie from the bakery, a bag of rice cakes, and have managed to eat it all and then throw it all up. I hate when I do this. I cant stand to have the food in my stomach it reminds me how truly week I am. Now my throat and stomach hurt so bad and I just want to go home. When I get home I will be taking 3 colon cleaning tablets to help with the major fuck up I did today good god I am discussing!! I was not even rally hungry so I have no idea why I thought I needed to do this. I hate that once I start eating I cant stop sometimes. :(
I wanted to share this with you all. I am still researching EDNOS fact or fiction. Sometimes I just dont get it but the What Not to Say to Someone with an ED is pretty good.
http://christianelaird.hubpages.com/hub/What-NOT-to-Say-to-Someone-with-an-Eating-Disorder
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