Why cant I just get it

I consider myself a some what bright intelligent person. I have my issues but over all I think I get it in the brains department so WHY is the number on the scale my unicorn. I mean when I buy clothes I am not shopping in the plus size section. depending on the store (which really gets to me lol) I wear a 28-29 or 3-7. I know I will never be a size zero I do not even have that size as a goal. mine is all about the number on the scale I see 140 anything and feel like the Pillsbury dough boy. Me and my 14 year old daughter wear almost the same size in pants. she is just a little smaller than me and in shirts since she was gifted with boobs from where i dont know lol. I wear a smaller shirt than her. I do not think she is fat in any way so why do I see myself as fat. huge jumbo thunder thighs that shake the ground when I walk?? Also I hate myself almost every morning, the night before I will have these big plans to exercise for a certain amount of time. I plan the work out then my alarm goes off at 4:30 and some days if I do get up it is after I have hit snooze 3 or 4 times so then I have to cut my work out short and I bitch at myself all day for not getting my fat lazy ass up and working on fixing my problem I would rather lay there and collect more fat cells. I try and reason some sense into myself but I still end up with the same conclusion all the time. Then I wonder what is it that I want exactly. What weight what size what measurements would make me happy. and for being 5 ft 8 inch 35 years old with 3 full term pregnancies (one was twins) I cant except to look like a VS model can I.. Sorry for my babble I just am sick of this thoughts that I can not make any sense of and I should be able to.

I know we all have these crazy thoughts about perfection what do you do to suppress them or work though them