If just for a moment

Ok I am fucking crazy that is all there is to it. I have been so messed up the last few days I dont even know who I am if you dont have much time or just dont want to read how I complete fuck up reality and made this psycho alternate universe where everyone is against me stop reading now!!!

If you are still with me we need to go back to last week. I believe it was Wednesday. I get home from work and of course my daughter and lets refer to her a C (daughters friend) where being their normal teenage do what I want selves. My hubby told me the neighbors had invited us to go down and drink a few beers with them for a b-day celebration I said great but I told C's mom I would go up and talk to her so let me do that and then we will go. The talk went ok I found out a lot of stuff about C that I thought I could help her work on. learned a lot of stuff I was scared to know but over all it really helped us moms connect a bit more. So went to the b-day party and had a pretty good time until we came home... Got home about 12 I had to work so headed to bed hubby was on his 7 off so he decided he would stay up and hang out this the girls as I laid there in bed wondering what was wrong with me I think something must have snapped in my brain and the craziness began. I started thinking I had been replaced by a younger, skinnier, and prettier model I made up all this thoughts that hurt so bad I cried myself to sleep.
Thursday...So after speaking with me I guess C's mom decided she needed to be sent away. I think it was more than that but I got used as the scape goat in this. C was pissed at me text me all sorts of shit and I trying to be the adult was pointing out how many times she had lied to me alone and if she was doin that to me who else was she lying to??? Then at about 2 in the morning cause I could not sleep cause I again was thinking of unbearable crazy thoughts of my husband and a 15 year old, his phone went off I snuck out of bed to read the text it was from C saying how she was going to miss him and loved him and she would hurry back to be with him and she wanted him to wake her but before he left for work at 5 to tell him good by properly blah blah blah well guess who did not sleep for the rest of the night because she was to busy crying and hating herself to the point of suicidal thoughts YEP ME. And this was really the last day I ate any normal amount of food.
Friday...I made sure to get up at 4 in the morning to prevent my craziness from taking me completely over the edge I checked his phone when he went to the bathroom to see if he had wrote her back. The message was gone so then all day I wondered what he wrote her. I was feeling a bit better cause I thought she would be gone for at least 30 days. I could win him back loss weight and be safe from crazy thought. At 4 my daughter calls me to tell me C and her mom have worked things out and she does not have to go anywhere. I lost it started crying so hard I had to leave my office so no one could see me. That night when I got home my daughter came up to my husband and I and said oh dad I read what you wrote C that was so nice and I know she loves you too. WTF insanity hit over drive at this point. Just to get that bitch out of my house I let my daughter go to this teen dance club with C and some other friend. My daughter told me she was getting a ride home so I did not have to worry about her. So I went to bed around 11-12 on the couch hubby work me up around 3 and I went to bed.
Saturday...I got up before my husband his phone alarm was going off so I got his phone and shut it off. then I seen the text that almost did us in it read as followed
Hubby: Were r u
C: Almost home
Hubby: I am waiting up for you
C: AAWWWWW
holy mother of god really again the tears and suicidal thought rushed into my head I didnt know what the fuck to do. Hubby got up shortly after that looked at me and asked me what was wrong I said nothing (ok this tends to pose a problem in our relationship when I say this and I know it) it dont matter and I would work though my problem. He kept hounding me and I thought are you stupid you are in love with a 15 year old and I am nothing but the house keeper, cook and nanny. I went down stairs ripped my sheets and pillow cases off and throw them away. turned to mattress and sprayed everything I could find with lysoal. The car show was that day. I got the kids and myself ready to head down town. I kinda told him a little of my problem I told him that C's presence was making me crazy and I could not take it any more. he told me to stop being stupid there was nothing wrong and it was all in my head. We took separate cars there and I started drinking at 1 not the best idea. It sucked we barely talked and everyone around us knew something was up. The PBR bull riding started at 7 so I went home we cleaned up and got ready to go to that and shit started to hit the fan there. We composed our self and headed to the PBR. I met up with some friends there talked about what was going on and ask if they would go out with me later because I did not want to be home. Oh and did i mention I was still drinking like there was no tomorrow. By the end of the PBR we were in a full blown fight he said he could not believe I would think he would sleep with a 15 year old and I told him he has given me no reason to think other wise. He walked away and got a ride from my step so. I got home to drop the kids off and shit really hit the fan I told him he could sit here and wait for his precious 15 year old skank to come and have a wonderful night with her our fight moved to the front lawn where we were screaming and the top of our lungs. He took my keys and I told him I would just walk then did not give a shit he went to grab me to stop me from going I fell back (I am sure due to the amount of alcohol I had had) and as I hit my head on the ground I said the worst thing someone could very say I FUCKING HATE YOU I dont hate him I was just so mad by this point it just came out. So started walking to the bar waiting for my friends to come get me C's mom called wanting to know what was going on. Apparently C told her I walked out on my husband and kids earlier that day that she was at my house taking care of my kids and she missed the PBR due to it and would not be home. I told C's mom that I did not walk out on my family that I was just in town with some friends and her daughter did go to the BPR cause I was there and seen her!!! I drank way to much and got home way to late
Sunday...I cried a lot thinking about what I had done and maybe the knock to the head loosened the crazy streak I was heading down. I sleep ok not really but laid in my sons room that night.
Monday...I went to work had to take my son to court that afternoon got home and tried to stay away from my husband. And again cried a lot. That night he came in the room and told me if I hated him that bad that he would build an apartment in his shop and live there I told him no I couldnt and wouldnt live like that. I could not sit here while he went on with his live. I told him deep down i didnt logically think he was sleeping with C but that I felt out of place and not wanted. and how it hurt that it seemed he was always protecting her not me. I headed upstair to sleep on the couch and cry myself to sleep. Then my daughter came in and asked me if her and C could sleep on the trampoline I was upset and exhausted and said I dont care. At about 12:30 my dogs started barking really bad so I got up to see what was the matter. hauler at my daughter to ask her what was going on but she id d not answer from the tramp. I walked over there and found blankets but no girls I was pissed this C had convinced my daughter to sneak out. really could this girl not see what she was doing to my family and now this!!! I went to the couch and laid back down at 1 30 I heard the dogs again thought yet they are home I got them. but no then at 3 I heard the dogs again went outside but still no. So I took their blankets thinking they would have to come in then and i could catch them. I also wrote my husband a note to check the tramp when he got up at 4. He ended up waking me up so I told he what was going on he was pissed!!! I had tried to call my daughter and now he was of course no answer. He told me he did not condone this and it was not going to happen again that C would have to go. now I know this should not have made me as happy as it did but honestly it was in a bad way the awnswers to my prays.
I actually looked forward to goin home last night A weight feels like it has been lifted and hubby and I are working on it. He told our daughter that C was to never spend the night again and would not be over for a very long time if ever. I think I can work on my issues so that if down the line she dose start coming over I can tell my hubby when I start feeling bad about myself. This morning I woke but stepped on the scale and seen 139.8 OMH days of not eating paid off I was so happy i ran upstairs to get my phone to take a pic for you guys must have stuck in to much air cause i stepped on the scale again and it read 140.4 NO I thought oh much be the weight of my phone lol put the phone down stepped on but again it read 140,4. Hopefully by tomorrow I can take the pic. funny thing is I really have not even been hungry. Ok sorry for the extra long psycho babble post. I am thinking maybe I should have wrote some of this down a few days ago and let you all tell me to grow up and stop maybe I would not be trying to fix my relationship now. Ok I have to go back to work now so talk to ya all later.