A day late and a pound to much

So my cousin got back to me and the day she wanted to do the photo shoot I will be at my husband fam reunion DAMN IT!!! She said on her next trip though she would get ahold of me. Oh well I dont take good photos anyways.

On to food gggrrr I swear I like to ruin myself. I was at the store the other night and thought I should buy some yogurt for work, maybe I will keep my ass away from the evil vending machine so I bought a few and on my way to the register I pasted by a bin WOW Twizzlers 2 for $4. I stood there forever looking holding putting it back and guess what the shit ended up in my basket anyways so now for two days I have been eating candy way to buy the yogurt to keep from snackin uh???


My derby truck is almost dont OMG I cant wait alittle scared but should be tons of fun lol. A post I follow mention a bracelet and it got me thinking about when I use to wear a red one. It totally kept me in check like I have to follow some unwritten rules to wear it and be worthy of it. I have to go to the store today for some b-day presents Oh reminds me my fat ass has to have cake tonight gggrrr can not win for losing right ggrrr. sorry got side track anyways bottom line goin to look for a bracelet tonight at te store maybe it will help.

Just wanted to thank the 3 followers I have it is nice to see a number other than ) lol.

Talk later.

Sunflower Seeds and Snow Cones

That is my food for today lol...So I have a simi-distant cousin setting up a family page on FB today I posted a few pics of my fam and I get a message after??? So I go to it she is asking if I will model for her next week for a few photo shoots are you effing kidding me??? I wanted to be a model so bad when I was younger. I am not sure if any of you know the Barbarazon (sp?) handbook of modeling but that was my bible lol...

Dont get to excited for me though my family is not full of super models by any means so really there is probably not much to choice from lol.

So I have set something up for the 3rd or 4th and will starve and work my ass off till then. I still cant even process it fully lol.

Getting Crazy

I dont know why I go though this phases??? I feel like everything is so out of control life school kids ect. when really if I take a long hard look it is no difference than any other time in my life. I hate the word control I swear in the dictionary there is a pic of me losing my mind under that word. I just always feel like I am losing the fight. It feels like a slow painful death.

In other news the derby trucks are almost finished I am so excited about that. I am worried I will die though. Guys are ruthless when a girl enters anything like this I know I have done it before. If any of you are wondering what I am talking about go to youtube and type in truck Derby and just watch. lol...

really nothing else right now just wishing school would start again I hate the chaos that is all around my house during the summer. As far as weight I have not even got on the scale since last week. I have been avoiding it like a puke spot on the floor. (sorry to graphic I know) I feel fat there for I am fat end of discussion!!

Wish I knew what was wrong with me

WOW I just can not shake this completely tiered feeling. and not like I have not gotten enough sleep tired but like it takes ever ounce of strength to hold my head up raise my arms or just breath. I hope it passes soon cause I feel so lazy because of it. Had a pretty good weekend I entered my duramax into a truck and tractor pull took second everyone says pretty good job for doing it wrong lol. then we hit the bar after I just love the social seen really I could be like Paris Hilton and love life lol. Just wanted to tell Maggie thanks for the help and the comments it is nice to get feed back from people.

Another Day

So yesterday I spent most the day watching Supersize vs. Superskinny very productive lol...I will be so glad when school starts again. There will be less chaos and kids running all over my house. Tomorrow I drop my twins off to my grandparents so they came go camping till next Wednesday I am sssooo looking forward to that. Next week I am going to get up earlier and go my running since my blister is healed. My blahs are slowing passing period is almost over thank god. Nothing else really goin on right now.

Overwhemling

OMG I am an emotion wreck these last couple days. my period (or lack there of) is just got me all messed up. I have actually had to work at work this week which is killing me on homework I feel like I need to move at the speed of light but am stuck in tar. I am very lazy this week also instead of getting up with my husband at 4:30 am I have been sleeping till 6 so no exercise which is bothering me also cause I love my exercise time. on a positive note my grandparents are taking the twins camping from Saturday till wednesday so I will only have to deal with my teenagers for a few days really looking forward to that!!!

So as i have said before I am new to the blog thing and have noticed that when I leave a comment on someones blog it says "unknown" if someone could tell me why and what I need to do to fix it I would be very grateful!

Ok well I need to get back t work lots to do I just need a short brake.

Its bad

So I get home last night and my children have turned my husband against me. I have had it with their ling, deceitfulness ect. I am done. I am now the maid cook and laundry service and that is it. I think it has sent my depression deeper also and I feel like crap. I was having major digestive issues last week and gained over 10 lbs due to it. I weighed in this morning and am back to 140 and can not even be happy about that. I have really never been a cutter but last night I had two solutions to my problems either cut my legs and arms till the pain went away or get in my car and drive till i forgot. i did neither. I sat on the back porch crying smoking and drinking beer all night till I could not stand myself and went to bed. I sit feel blah this morning trying to find a mask to wear for work but it is hard. I have nothing else.

Life

Sorry for the crappy title really was not sure what to put. So I made it though another weekend. I hate weekends I have access to all this crappy food and the tv so it is a fight every second of the day to not give in. I did really well this weekend though focused on cleaning my truck. I spend half the day saturday and half the day yesterday washing waxing polishing ect. then of course it rained all night long lol...I am at work now I hate my job well not really my job just where i work if that makes sence. Not much else right now If anything changes I will let you know.

Getting Started

So I was reading a lot of blogs and thought this might be a safe place to post and maybe get some feed back. Until Wednesday I had an ED page on FB but I got deleted, Now this make twice on Myspace and once on FB I was deleted do I really want to keep goin though that??
Not sure were to start. I am 34 just turned 34 last month it was kinda ruff on me actually everything since my 30th b-day has been ruff. I have had issues with eating, depression, drugs, alcohol, relationship, and life in general for as long as I can remember. I dont even do the high weight low weight thing any more it has gone up and down or stayed the same for so long I just take it every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday (those are my mandatory weigh in days) at a time. I generally weigh in everyday up those days count. Crazy bs ED rules anyways.
I have two daughters that I fear with catch this stupid deadly disease from me. I try very hard to hid what i can from them and what i cant hid I try and look like it is normal lol.
Not sure what else to write at the moment. Feel free to ask questions I might answer I might not no guarantee.